Don’t want to tell partner

[8251peacock]

For context, I’m almost 42, partner 33. I have one DC, a teenager now. He has none. We have been together 5 years.

Last year I got pg unexpectedly. We were shocked but got over it and were happy and excited. He had always said he wasn’t bothered about having kids or not and I wasn’t keen on more at my age but we really were into the idea once it happened.

At what should have been almost 10wks I felt something was off, was really ill with DC but this time nothing. Kept waiting for sickness to start but it never did. So booked an early scan, no heartbeat was found and it was a MMC, had ended at 8+5. Had to have surgical management. We were ok about it, upset but it passed, we hadn’t planned it anyway so we moved on. We don’t ever talk about it now.

Period was 2 days late on Saturday so I tested. Positive. I didn’t say anything because, I don’t know why really. Have tested daily since then. Still positive, but line no stronger. Have had no bleeding at all, but feel crampy. Not majorly, but still.

I just don’t want us to go through it again. The loss I mean. If I knew it would all be ok I’d say something. But I don’t want him to have to do it again, think it’s going to happen and then it doesn’t. Again. I just can’t be positive about it at all. If everything is ok I’d be 4+5 today. So way too early to be able to check if all is ok.

Just don’t know what to do. My head feels a mess. He’s my best friend and part of me wants to tell him but I really don’t want the upset if it all goes wrong again, he doesn’t deserve that. And I’m almost 42 now so my odds have obviously got worse since last time so I just can’t but feel it won’t happen. Don’t know how to get through the next few weeks.

Not sure what I’m hoping for here but helps to put it down at least.

you could book a private scan for 2 weeks time when you should at least see a heartbeat?

I think you should tell him. i would certainly want to know!
If the worst happens and you lost this pregnancy too, you are going to what.. just keep that hidden foe the rest of your life? would he not be upset to find out you had hidden that for years if you accidentally ever let slip?

I remember feeling this way. I did tell my partner and he was insistint he’s never want me to deal with things alone .

I had a MMC last month and we'll be trying again soon and part of me has been thinking, if I get a BFP, will I tell DH again straight away or wait until we're through the danger zone a bit more. But really, although I've thought about it, I know I would tell him. For a start, it's his child too and he deserves to know. Secondly, he is my best friend and best source of support and I know I'll probably be an emotional mess (!!!) So he would no doubt pick up on something anyway but also he would want to support me. If it's another loss, we will deal with it together. Why should all the sadness and burden be on us to bear alone? And would our partners really want us to?

Is it possible there's a bit of you managing to cope better with anxiety etc by not letting it become more real? And the minute someone else knows... It's more real.

I really do get it but I think you owe it to your partner and yourself to share the news and experience this journey together. However it pans out. Good luck ❤️

Thank you. I know I probably should. It’s just that once I do there’s no going back, and I guess some part of me thinks what if thinking we could makes him realise he really does want one, and then he’ll leave when I can’t give him that.

I don’t think I’m thinking straight right now.

@8251peacock how are you getting on? It's horrible how exposed and vulnerable all this can make you feel isn't it? I think that it's very normal for fertility concerns to also raise relationship worries for people. Scary as it is, it's often better to confront these things head on. Maybe you need to try and have a chat with your partner about whether not being able to have a child with you would be a deal breaker for him and let him know how anxious the previous loss has made you. Hopefully he'll be able to reassure you. Big hugs and hope all is going well. Xx

Thanks, the line on test got lighter, cramps got worse and turned into heavy period yesterday so was a chemical pregnancy I guess. Had mentioned I was late but never said I’d tested positive, and tbh I’m glad I didn’t.

Am going to try and use this experience to make sure I never test early again. Would rather not have known myself.

Do you think you’re gonna try for a baby? If not then maybe go on contraception to take the option off the table for you?

if you do want to try then maybe start taking the vitamins and other supplements to help?

I think when you know for definite what you want it gets rid of lots of issues in a way as you then just have one thing to focus on rather than a million different options and emotions around each option if that makes sense.

best of luck to you, I’m sorry about what you’ve been through xxxx

Honestly, idk. Sometimes it’s all I want. I hate that I could be the cause of DP never being a dad, and his mum never being a grandma (he’s an only child). I love the idea of us doing it together, I had a rough time when my DC was born and did it solo from 10 months on. So to do it all with someone I love, the way it’s meant to be, would be new and incredible and exciting.

Other days I think I’m too old, what would teenage DC think and how would it affect their life, do I want to start all that again aged 42 (or older), I’d be 60 by the time a new DC was 18.

Feel very mixed emotions and don’t know what I want. But also aware of the loudly ticking clock and worry that it’s basically now or never, and I don’t have the luxury of seeing how I feel in a few months time.

Okay. Then maybe work through these feelings and make a definitive choice and then take action.

because of your age you can’t really take the ‘go with the flow’ action as time isn’t on your side.

So start properly tracking ovulation and exploring options if that’s your choice.

If on balance you think your done then maybe work out contraception and with that off the table focus on enjoying your life as it is now xx