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IVF #4 What’s the point :’(

13 replies

SquashPenguin · 13/05/2023 10:39

Currently down regging for collection number 4. I feel like I’ve lost all hope completely now 😢. I’ve had 4 embryos transferred, all fresh. Never made anything good enough to freeze. Got pregnant with my first transfer and lost it soon after. My AMH has gone off a cliff in the last year which doesn’t help.

I'm starting to feel this is so pointless, I’ll never get pregnant, never be a mum. I can’t bear it anymore. I woke up this morning and really felt like I just don’t want to live anymore. Almost 5.5yrs trying and no baby. Everyone else on MN seems to be able to plan the month they get pregnant to best suit any upcoming holidays, and instead I’m haemorrhaging money on injections that cost £160 a day.

Maybe this is the buserelin talking, I’m just so fucking miserable 😭 How do you keep going with this when the odds are so stacked against you?

OP posts:
WholeZebra · 13/05/2023 11:18

I’m so sorry to hear that you’re struggling :(. Fertility journeys sure can be heartbreaking and quite soul destroying. A girl I know had 11 transfers before she caught on the 12th round so try to have hope - although I know it’s hard to.

Have you accessed your clinics counselling? It might be beneficial to talk to someone. Do you have a partner or are you going it alone? Are they supportive if you do?

Garethkeenansstapler · 13/05/2023 11:21

I would post this in infertility, you’ll get less well-meaning-but-annoying responses 💐

anon12345anon · 13/05/2023 11:26

Hello.... I had to reply.... I hear you Sad

i had 2 failed ivfs and gave up, it was too much for me and my partner x

Is it possible for you to take a break? A proper 2/3 month break, and just enjoy life, yourself and your partner.... Looking back, for me , IVF was extremely intense, and in the grand scheme of things, what does delaying treatment for 6 months really do?!?

Wishing you all the very best xx it's shit ❤️

dikwad · 13/05/2023 11:29

Ah love, this was me a decade ago. I was 23 for my first IVF. We were initially told it was MFI and that because of my age and having no issues myself it should be a breeze. Except it wasn't, 4 ICSI's later and either BFNs or early losses I was the most bitter person you could wish to meet.

I had what was called Chicago Tests to see if I had any underlying issues with immune problems etc and it transpired that I did, so on top of normal treatment/drug costs I had immune therapy costs on top. Quite a few actually. So, my protocols were changed and cycle 5 arrived and yet another fresh transfer. BFN.

Now, by this point, our bank accounts were crying with us and I don't have enough words to describe just how floored we both were, it was physically and mentally exhausting. I hated everything and everyone. I avoided people at work, I wasn't happy for other people because in my mind they weren't going to bed crying into their pillows for me - I took the decision to preserve my energy on me and not being concerned about how my insular feelings would make others feel. We had spent tens of thousands of pounds, not just on the treatment but on vitamins, organic foods, supplements, acupuncture, you name it, we tried it.

Cycle 6, I went into with such a negative mindset because I had nothing positive left to hold onto. We drank (not extremely!!), we had normal foods, we went out and did everything the fertility gurus like bloody Zita West tell you not to do. It worked. First scan showed twins but at 10 weeks I lost one twin. I bled all the way through my pregnancy and they never knew why but in October 2011, our boy arrived and I promise you that every single penny, every injection, every crying fit and tantrum absolutely every shit part was worth it.

You will find the energy from somewhere, I don't know what position you're in financially but for us ALL money went towards treatment, nothing in our house was new. We did put any extra money towards holidays that we needed to get over each disappointment.

I genuinely truly hope you get there, unless you've been in the position of multiple failed cycles then you can't understand how desolate it can feel. You have all my best wishes and seriously, if you want to shout, swear and moan about the unfairness of it all then my inbox is open and there will be no judgement from me.

Unicorn2023 · 13/05/2023 12:23

@SquashPenguin I felt every single word of what you said! it’s the worst place in the world to be in and it doesn’t matter how much people say it will be ok just have faith that’s not how you feel because for most there is a happy story at the end and you feel hopeless it’s a never ending circle of heartbreak and feeling shit! I don’t have a positive story because I’m in the same position as you are 5.5 years IVF failed twice caught once and lost it and I’m also 39 this year so time is not on my side! I am sending you all the love and strength in the world ♥️🤗 I took a year off and it’s done me the world of good because emotionally I couldn’t take the heartbreak anymore and it was making me miserable when I heard people say oh it was an complete surprise not even trying it made me angry not that it’s there fault but the mind can be a terrible thing at times! Please take some time to heal ♥️ xx

Justsomehousestuff · 13/05/2023 12:41

I hope this cycle will work out for you.
It's terrible and cruel. Some people have to go to the wringer to become parents, others complain it took them three months to conceive, it's so unfair.
Don't lose hope ❤️

Justsomehousestuff · 13/05/2023 12:42

*go through

backinthefog · 13/05/2023 13:06

@SquashPenguin I hear every word. You're not alone and it's totally shit. I completely get it.

A counsellor said to me that research has shown that the grief that goes alongside a failed IVF cycle is similar to the grief you'd have if you lost a close family member - and that's before even adding the pain of miscarriage(s) on top. That really helped validate my feelings and helped me understand why I was feeling so awful.

I'd recommend counselling.

After 12 months going from miscarriage to IVF failure to miscarriage, I also looked back and realised how isolated we'd both become. I hadn't seen my friends or family really in ages. I had only been out socially once in 12 months and then found social events difficult. I think it did us the world of good having a few weeks of focussing on us, going out, trying to have some fun. So I'd also recommend taking a break - even if short - after this cycle whatever the outcome.

I hope your current cycle brings some positive news.

Feel free to message me if you need to rant!

MK85 · 13/05/2023 21:52

@SquashPenguin I'm so sorry your going through this.
It's incredibly hard isn't it. We've been desperate to start a family for the past 18 years and except for one loss, I simply just cannot seem to get pregnant. It's so fustrating when everyone around you is getting pregnant with zero effort. To be honest , the only way I got through it was just to block it out and I did successfully for many years . I'm currently trying harder than I ever have , simply because time is not on my side and I'm honestly panicked. I can say these past few months dealing with it month after month is so much harder and causing me a great deal of anxiety. I've found talking to people going through the same thing has really helped me.i don't have anyone that I can relate to in real life . I guess the easiest way to handle things is to just keep hoping one day a miracle will happen. For me it finally did in december,after all these years I got pregnant bit I lost it . It was only for a moment in time but its something I'll always remember. I'd give anything just to feel that again

Hopingforamiracle12 · 14/05/2023 00:23

@MK85 oh my god 18 years that crazy. I dint think I could be that strong. Hope your get your miracle

SquashPenguin · 15/05/2023 09:38

Thank you to everyone who replied, your replies were so nice they made me cry and smile on equal measures 🥹

I managed to put it all out of my mind for a few hours on Saturday night and enjoy Eurovision, which I needed. I’ve woken up for work this morning feeling like I’m ready to kill someone so it’s definitely my hormones (or lack of!) driving this!

It’s so easy to forget there are others in this position too, especially in a world where baby making is made to look so easy. I’ve been really blaming myself for it all not working and I know I need to stop. I know just have to soldier on xx

OP posts:
SquashPenguin · 25/07/2023 18:10

Just wanted to update this thread in case anyone scrolls by- we had four eggs, none of which fertilised so nothing to transfer. Whole thing was shit start to finish. My Nan passed away during the stim stage and her funeral was 5 days after the transfer that never happened. It’s been a very very difficult time.

My consultant has indicated my chances of success with another round are likely less than 5% now. It’s just unbearable 😭

OP posts:
worldwidetravel2017 · 25/07/2023 18:15

So sorry to read this
A good friend of mine was lucky on attempt 5.
( she's based in oz and her little one is now earth side - i know it was 5th attempt tho)

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