Need advice, have a massive dilemma

[tootiefruitie6]

Hi, I have two young children, both conceived through IVF and who I adore. I have recently discovered I am pregnant again though which is a massive shock as I have never fallen pregnant naturally and I am feeling totally anxious and stressed about it and very guilty as I really don't think I want to go ahead with the pregnancy. I have only just gone back to work after two maternity leaves close together and I am enjoying being back and working again. I am constantly tired juggling everything and feel like I am only just managing to stay afloat and keep on top of everything having two children, and with no family nearby I don't really have much time to myself. My husband feels like this is a little miracle and would like us to keep the baby so it is causing real tension and I just don't know what to do. I wish so much I hadn't got myself into this situation and either way it feels like there will be tough consequences. I am worried I would not be able to go through with a termination, and I am scared of the process, and also of having regrets and guilt afterwards, but the thought of going ahead also terrifies me when I think of coping with three children, how much more tired I would be, and even having to tell work I am pregnant yet again. This situation feels impossible. Once upon a time this would have been a dream come true and now, especially after all I went through to have my two children I feel so ungrateful and cold and shocked at myself for how I feel towards this pregnancy. But the nausea has already kicked in and I can't help panic that time is going by and I need to decide quickly before it forms anymore. Has anyone been in a similar situation and what did you decide? If you ended it did you have guilt or regrets afterwards? I feel so lonely as I don't want to tell anyone and I tried to talk to my husband earlier but it didn't go well.

Hey I didn’t want to read and run. I haven’t been in a similar scenario but can imagine that this has thrown you for a loop. I hope some people stop by soon with some
good advice. Do you have a close friend you could talk it through with?

My only comment (and coming from someone who has tons of anxiety and worry about the work dynamic with having children) but I would really really try and remove any concern on the part of the business from your equation. In reality , maternity leave is a short stint and we are all replaceable. However as I say, I totally know this is easy to say and it doesn’t take away the personal sacrifice/ difficulty of another career break- I totally get that factoring into your decision but please don’t feel any guilt to the team/ business.

Thanks so much for replying @NWnature. Yes I have told a good friend who has been helpful but ultimately she said only I can decide. I just wish my husband and I were aligned.

If your husband is feeling less overwhelmed by parenting and other jobs, would it be worth considering using shared parental leave for him to take the majority of the parental leave? You go back to work early and he stays home with the kids? Would there be enough go h money to look at other options to help you out - a cleaner, gardener, childminder?

Have you thought about trying some counselling through Marie Stopes or similar to help you work through some of your thoughts about it all?

I’m sorry you’re facing such an awful dilemma OP, I hope you reach the decision that’s right for you, whatever that might be.

Ok so firstly whatever you decide to do is up to you, it’s a valid decision and you don’t need to feel guilty or ashamed of any decision you make.
everything I say now is just the things I would consider before making my decision if I were in your shoes.

have a think about what you’re scared of, and if logistically any of that can be helped. For example, can you get extra help, can your DH step up more? It sounds like he’s not overwhelmed right now, so presumably isn’t doing 50/50 since you are completely overwhelmed - make sure he starts doing more before your due date if you decide to go ahead, but also in general if you decide not to.
are there any other things you can afford to outsource - childcare, cleaning, meal kits to reduce shopping and cooking time etc.

can DH take some leave which would allow you to go back to work quicker if that’s what you wanted, or could any of your job be adapted so you can work from home or PT for example

think about what is temporary Vs long term. Will you still be overwhelmed in 5 years? Will this period of being overwhelmed be ok if you know you’ll make it through in x years
and once you’re not overwhelmed would you regret making the decision to end the pregnancy now (and if the answer is no that’s ok too!)

then if you are leaning towards continuing you may feel better to think about a logical plan and how you will cope which may confirm your decision either way

or if you are leaning towards ending the pregnancy do a little more research on that and what it involves so you can make an informed decision.

i also think your husband needs to be more supportive. It’s all very well for him to think this is a miracle - and I understand his point - but clearly he isn’t doing 50% of the parenting, he isn’t being pregnant or dealing with sickness and general pregnancy and labour, hormones etc. he isn’t telling his work he’ll be taking a 3rd leave. If he can’t understand how the news affects you differently then he’s being very selfish.

good luck op.

Also someone may be along with better more appropriate resources, but even if you just need to talk this through out loud to someone that will listen to you, if DH won’t, then Samaritans may be useful for that.

Thanks so much all for your help and advice, I really appreciate it. It's all getting a bit messy and painful as I really have decided I wouldn't be able to cope with a third child and I just don't want another after two tough pregnancies and going into septic shock in recovery with my last birth and being very ill, not to mention how amazing but tiring I find my children. Something inside me just really doesn't want to do it again. I went for an early scan yesterday and it was too early for there to be a heartbeat so I just want to get on with ending it now and feel easier about it psycologically telling myself it really is just cells at this stage. I have felt such anxiety about it all and just want it over with and to go back to how things were. However my husband is adamant he wants it and when I asked if I should go ahead with the pregnancy then just for him he turned around and said 'well he went through IVF just for me', which is the first I've heard of it and so unfair. He adores our children and wanted it too. But I am questioning if I am being unreasonable. I have tried to take my husbands feelings into account but surely I can't just have a baby for him?. This is so tough.

No, it would be a bad idea to continue a pregnancy because your husband wants you to when you have decided it’s not the right choice for you and your kids.

He has the right to an opinion but it’s your choice.

What will he do if you go ahead and have the termination?

This might be helpful https://www.brook.org.uk/your-life/abortion-advice-for-partners/

I have three DC: 7, 5 and 1. When dc1 and dc2 were young the idea of being pregnant and having a newborn made me sick. I completely get your feeling.
In my personal story, slowly the desire for a third (which had always been my desired number) came back and dc3 arrived.

If you were always going to have 2 (even before fertility pbs occurred) then you can be confident with your choice - it should be yours and your DH should respect your choices for your body.

If you think you might one day want another one, maybe have emergency counselling with your dh to make a decision together?

I guess what I am getting at is that you never pine for a third baby.

Could one of you give up work for a while to make it more manageable?