I had a mmc in Nov. Dh doesn't want to talk. But I am 35 and ds is 4.

[Oblomov]

I feel that time is of the essence. I don't know what to say to him or just let it drop.

I wish wish I had time to stop for a bit but I am in a big rush - just saw your post coming through and had to drop in. I don't know what to say. Will try and come back later.

Hi Oblomov,

I know where you are coming from - I had a mmc in Jan. I am 38 and DD is 4!!

Went shopping yesterday and saw all these really young girls (well, in their 20s) with children. Made me realise I need to get on with it. I have spent the last four years waiting for DH to be ready. Now I have finally convinced him and I hope I am not too late. But I am trying to be positive. All I can say is keep trying to get him to talk about it and keep saying how much you really want this - as much as he wants (whatever it is he wants out of life), you want DC2. They just think so differently from us, don't they?

Don't give up and try not to get down about it.

Morning, back today.

Do you know what? I don't think you should let it drop. You and DH both need to talk about it, even if he says he doesn't want to. You need to talk about what happened and talk about how you both feel about what to do next. I learned that the hard way after my first m/c a few years ago.

You also need to not let it drop for the timings reasons. You don't want to nag him but also not talking doesn't make anything go away or get better.

Hope you are feeling ok.

Do you mean that your dh does not want to talk about trying for another or doesn't want to talk about the mmc?

Thanks for the replies.
He does not want to talk about trying again. And he does not want to talk about the miscarriage.
he says that he is hurting too much. And he says that I only want to talk about trying again. I said that it was my way of coping and that it was normal, not as a dismissal of what happened, but just that for many woman, they just need to focus on trying for another.
plus I said, it is not just a reaction to what happened. I have wanted a second child, for a long time and I feel that time is of the essence, becasue I am 35 now. It is not just a re-action to what has happened, I have always wanted this.
And I said, I thought you did too.
And he said, well actaully I don't.
Then he says he doesn't want a second child. He was very happy when I fell pregnant in Nov, but it was not done deliberatly, but he does not want a second child. He thinks that I would not be able to cope. He thinks I don't cope very well with one (i.e ds).

For those of you who don't know. My mum thinks having a second child would break my marriage.
break marriage thread
And the thing is I have always, always deep down suspected that she was right. I do struggle with my diabetes, part time job, looking after ds.
Maybe it is just my hormones making me want a second child so much.
And now I find out, that dh, actually doesn't want a second child. And he basically ( without putting too finer thread on it), basically agrees with my mum.
Oh god.
i can't seem to think rationally about this .
Why am I so upset ? I am at work and can't concentrate.
I feel very emotional and can not be logical.

why do you really want another? if you had to think of going the rest of your life without another dc or without your husband which feels orse?

drop , it would be my dh every time.
I love him so much and he is older than me, a big man, with diverticulitus and diabetes. He always jokes that he will die soon, and that thought fills me with dread.

Awwww...well look, if you are healthy then 35 is NOT old to have another...even 36/37 is do-able.

Is there any way you couldhold fire for a few monthsand make a concerted effort to showyour dh that you could manage by getting on top of things in your existing life?

Best of luck, to me it sounds like he doesn't want to think of you struggling in the future with two dcs if anything happened to him...

I have just read your other thread about your mum. Hmm - parents are interesting, aren't they? DD and I have just come back from 5 days with my parents (half term). Neither of my parents mentioned my miscarriage (less than 4 weeks ago). Also got a little heated re. disciplining DD. They have always hated me getting cross with her but now they have spent the last five days with her, they realise that she needs telling off sometimes and told me to do it more!!

Sorry - personal rant! My point IS that mums don't see things as we see them, even if they are our mums. If you really really want a second child, that is very very valid - it's not really anything to do with her.

You say you struggle with diabetes, job, DS etc - I think the majority of people on MN would say they struggle with all that life throws at them. I don't know whether I am coming or going half the time and I only have one DC to look after. But people DO cope, and if your husband really loves you (and you sound as though your love for each other is strong) then that sounds positive too.

I agree with DDF - why not try really hard to show DH that you can cope for the next few months - and be open with him about what you are doing.

At the end of the day, I think it is your relationship with your DH that matters a lot more than your mum.

Well - that's my thoughts! Keep strong!

Bluecornflower, thank you for your nice post. This morning, it 'fianlly' dawned on me that this is a continual thing, for me, and that I have actually posted about it before.
Actually, I researched under my original posting name and there was a very similar thread, the week I joined MN !
Clearly this is a big problem for me. I think I need to go away and give it some more thought.
My bf, pointed out on the phone to me, "why do you want another child, why do yuo REALLY want another".
And I don't really know. Maybe I haven't given it as much thought as I thought I had.
I have everything I said I ever wanted. Loving dh, ds and a p/t job. The dynamics of my family will change.
Why is it that I actaully can't cope ? And am I prepared to actually make the effort to change myself/ change that or to look into why this has actually come about.
I think I need to give this all some mre thought.