How to cope at Nephew's birthday party when I just had another BFN and the sight of kids makes me want to cry

[Omgdnswv]

Does anyone have any good strategies or coping mechanisms?

Tomorrow is our nephew's birthday and I'm just coming to the end of another failed cycle of TTC, which usually means 1-2 weeks of silenty crying in supermarkets because there's always so many little kids in supermarkets and if just one of them looks like it could have been mine it sets the tears going.
My partner says as it's his nephew by blood and mine "only" by relationship I've got that excuse to not go, but I've been dodging so many things with the little one recently I would feel really guilty if I didn't go to his birthday.

Right now I just feel really miserable and I'm crying at the negative pregnancy test, crying at the gift that still needs to be wrapped, and crying at the thought that I have to call the infertility nurse again today and beg for another try with letrozole before they give up on me and I have to wait until I can have IVF, the thought of which scares the hell out of me.

A birthday with loads of kids sounds like harder work than just hanging out with your nephew.

I don't have any practical suggestions but i found it help when someone reminded me that there is not a finite number of children to go round. Other people's children were only going to be theirs. Your children are only ever going to be yours. There is not a depot choosing where to dispatch babies.

Google 'thought blocking' techniques x

Hello... my heart aches after reading your message. So sorry you are in this position and feeling this way.

Firstly, don't give up hope. You haven't mentioned how long you have been trying, but I was trying for 18-months, in my mid-30s, and it does just suddenly happen. I don't have experience of IVF (we were just about to start when we conceived) and I know its hard. But it works! My ex-BF had a baby through IVF just yesterday (his wife is 40). And one of my best mates had her two through IVF, and both were first time successes. It will happen for you. Stay positive. x

About the birthday party, these are bound to be very hectic and full of flustered parents talking endlessly about kids. And some whom might not be sensitive to your situation at all (e.g. moaning about how hard it is!). Your nephew's parents will be rushed off their feet too I expect! You might find you barely speak to them or your nephew in the chaos!

Maybe it would be an idea to be honest with them about how you are struggling, and suggest doing something for your nephew on another afternoon. When it can be a quieter and just close family affair? Then they will know to be sensitive, and it wouldn't matter if you got upset. And will probs be a nicer time with your nephew too.

Also, big love to your husband for being understanding and offering you a 'get out' of the party. I am sure he nor his family would want to put you through pain...

I’m so sorry for your struggles and pain 💐

Noro is running riot at the moment, have a funny tummy tomorrow and don’t go, let DP wrap the gift and sort the card.

Look after yourself.

Im sorry your feeling like this, i'm TTC also and had a MMC in December past, I went to a party last weekend and it was all couples, it was a house party for a birthday, I found that quite difficult as everyone there has children and me and my husband only ones who didn't. People naturally talk about their lives and I felt i had nothing to contribute at all, I felt I didn't want to speak and I am usually very loud and bubbly, my husband remarked to me the next day I had been very quiet. I am finding situations like this quite hard, i feel jealous and hateful a lot of the time to be honest and that really hurts my soul.

I am working on it and i think it will do me good to be more social and to face parties and children more, either i am going to be lucky and have a baby or i wont, i am trying to learn to live through it somewhat and not allow it to consume my every waking moment, more difficult than it sounds.

I personally would go on ahead, i feel weird around children but then i realise i dont want other peoples babies, i want my own lol so i look at it that way, im not jealous of them having children really, im just hurt that i dont have my own and they remind me.

Get it over and done with and confront your fears, get used to it, TTC can be a long journey

Be ill. Unless it's someone who's party you'd ruin by your absence, don't do that to yourself right now.

Tummy upset is a good one that comes on fast and clears up fast, so you don't have to fake symptoms for days! And it means you can't leave the house.

I'm sorry xx

Thank you all for your advice, and for sharing some of your own experiences.
It really helped seeing how others deal with their feelings and rationalise their thoughts.

What kept me going @Omgdnswv was thinking that if it never happened for us and we couldn’t have our own kids what kind of relationship would I want with family children and the answer was that I’d want to be close to them - so that would make me want to go to the parties and the visits and play with them etc even though it was so hard. I welcomed my own baby a few months ago after a long hard 5 year struggle and nieces and nephews are obsessed with their new cousin and as I am very close to them I hope now they will be close to their cousin.

Honestly, let yourself off the hook and don’t go. Infertility is hard enough x

We had a long struggle. Clomod didn't help. In the end, only IVF worked. I'm the meantime, be kind to yourself. No one who loves you would want you to go and be sad.

@Omgdnswv I felt the exact same as you last year, I’d had a loss a couple of months before and the thought of being around children and baby’s was just awful. I was totally miserable the whole time, I just felt like the spare part and that everyone else had children except me (there was others there without children but I just couldn’t see that at the time)
I just didn’t stay long to be honest, probably crap advice but I just showed my face, ate some sausage rolls and left 🤣

We’ve been trying for 3 years so far and I have a niece and nephew who I’m very close to (7yo & 5yo). They bring me so much joy and I’m so lucky to have them, we love taking them out and doing things together. That said, there are some times when it is hard to be around kids so if you’re feeling vulnerable, don’t put yourself in the situation and have a nice afternoon with your nephew another day. Take care xxx