How can I best support my sister who's struggling with infertility while pregnant myself?

[SupportiveBigSister]

Would love to hear the views of anyone who's experienced infertility in particular.

My sister has been trying to have a baby for just over a year and her and her husband are currently having fertility testing. I am pregnant with my second baby - both babies conceived extremely easily and I'm lucky to be having a very straightforward pregnancy currently.

She's really struggling emotionally with the situation, and I know full well she's finding my pregnancy very difficult to deal with (she's told me this).

My question is, what can I do to best support her and not rub my pregnancy and two children in her face? I feel like going in the opposite direction would be equally irritating. When she asks how I've been for example, it's very hard not to mention my child and my pregnancy, as it would be odd not to - they're the two most significant things in my life right now.

She's said that although she's finding it very hard that I'm pregnant, she doesn't expect me not to talk about it or to change my behaviour in any way, but I don't know if she's just saying that.

Is there anything at all I can do to make this any easier for her? What about when the baby's born? Obviously I want her to be involved, she's an amazing auntie, but I don't want to push her into situations that are going to upset her.

@SupportiveBigSister i have been here and I am the one struggling with (secondary) infertility. My sister and I started trying at the same time and her child is 1 now and I’m coming up to two years of TTC with no end in sight. The main thing I would say is not to say anything belittling or dismissive of her situation because it really is so heartbreaking and difficult and all I can say is please be so understanding otherwise it could make for a really bitter situation.

I think you are very thoughtful for considering this and posting x

@SupportiveBigSister also to add, everyone going through infertility knows it’s nobody’s fault and wouldn’t wish this on anyone else but it certainly feels very unfair most of the time! but your sister will be happy for you and wouldn’t want you to experience this but simultaneously it will be so hard to watch the milestones

There isn’t much you can do except have zero expectations. Don’t expect her to be happy for you, it’s like expecting someone to be cheerful at your wedding when their husband died the day before. Don’t take things she says at face value: she may mean its fine to talk about your pregnancy but still find it very hard if you do. Do NOT complain about how hard pregnancy/motherhood is.

It will probably become easier once the baby is born. I found my sister’s pregnancy very hard because I wanted pregnancy, but after the baby was born I wasn’t as jealous of the baby because it looked so clearly hers not mine, if that makes sense.

Congratulations.

@Anonbaby @Silverbracken thanks 😊

I'm trying not to talk about pregnancy as much as possible without talking about it so little that I'm clearly avoiding it which might also upset her. Hopefully I'm striking the balance okay.

Agree with pp, the bump is worse than the baby when your are having trouble ttc. I would suspect it will be a lot easier for her once your baby is born! And as others have mentioned, not complaining about pregnancy or motherhood to or infront of her, and also not mentioning how easy or effortlessly some get lucky with pregnancy will both be kind things to do and probably you are already doing.

Aside from that, there probably isn't anything else you can say to ease the situation. Just be a listening ear for her and keep up the compassion for her situation. You sound very considerate and caring and she'll appreciate that.

I remember feeling annoyed at most things others said to me when I was struggling ttc, especially the "it'll happy, just relax" comments. And actually it did happen for me in the end (that comment was fairly accurate; most conceive within 2 years) but rationality doesn't validate the emotions and validation is key xx