Do I try again? Trigger warning- TFMR

[Iusedtobedontcall]

I am 42 and in the past eight months I’ve been pregnant twice. First time ended in a MMC and second time in a TFMR after a high risk NIPT for Trisomy 21. I’m devastated obviously and it’s taken a toll on my body and mind.

I am lucky to have dc already but this would have been DH and my first baby together.

The sensible part of me is thinking that I just don’t want to put myself through any more pain. Another part of me thinks I should try one more time.

Just bumping. I think the answer is no and need someone to talk sense into me.

Hello OP,
Didn't want to r&r. Really sorry that you had to go through all that. Is it truly a heartbreaking time. I can't tell you whether to try again or not. How does you DH feel? If you both think physically, mentally and emotionally you are able to try again then go for it.

Thank you. DH is ok with whatever I want, but I think he’d rather move on and not have us go through that again. And my age makes me think I’m pushing it.

I'll be brutally honest and say not to try again, if you aren't successful, it's more heartbreak and if you are, the risks to the baby during pregnancy are very high and then the emotional toll of having an older parent isn't fair on that child. That's just my opinion though, I'm sorry if it's not what you'd want to hear, ultimately it's a choice you and your partner need to make between yourselves, what a stranger says shouldn't influence your decision

I suspect you’re right @Igenix4 . I need to think of myself and heal. It’s sad letting go. I am not going to make any big decisions yet but I will give myself time to recover.

for you OP 😞

Thank you. I’m very sad and trying to accept what has happened. It doesn’t quite feel real.

My friend had number 3 at 45. Never say never x

I’m really sorry you’re going through this OP. I went through similar, I had a DS then in the space of three years had a miscarriage, a MMC, a TMFR and then a healthy DD who is now three weeks old. So I guess I just want you to know that it’s still possible to have a successful pregnancy but the question really is how many times you can put yourself through the the uncertainty and the pain. I was willing to keep going a few more times as I desperately wanted another child and for my son to have a sibling. I know for DH my last pregnancy was the last time he was willing to go through it.

I know how hard it is but only you can decide how many times you can handle it. It’s brutal and you can only put yourself in that situation so many times before it comes too much, it’s a case of weighing up how both you and your partner feel about it and taking it from there. Sending support your way, it’s really not easy.

It’s horrendous. I’m glad you got your rainbow @Hopingforbetterluck that does give me hope. I’m not sure at the moment.

I called the GP today as I feel I need some support with my feelings. I feel totally flat at the moment and I’m finding no joy in anything.

Which I’m sure is normal given what’s happened- but I was discharged from hospital, physically fine but with no follow up support. And I think I need some follow up.

Do not let your age and how old you may be when your child is 30, be the reason you make the decision. I am now 44 and had my daughter when I was 40. It isn't an unusual age to be having children and it is completely inappropriate for some random on the internet to suggest it is.

The risk at 42 is higher but it isn't THAT much higher.

But, from an emotional and physical viewpoint, that is very much down to you. I had lots of losses before my daughter including a MMC at 12 weeks which I really struggled to get over. I think my viewpoint would be I'd try once more but that if it happened again, I couldn't put myself through it.

It is such a personal thing. I guess what I'm trying to say is your age shouldn't be the determining factor.

Hi @Iusedtobedontcall I saw your post on the 40+ thread. Im sorry for what you’ve had to go through. I’m 42 also and trying for a second but no luck in over 2 years and 3 miscarriages including one with ivf. The ivf mc was due to genetic abnormalities we found out. I’m now continuing down the ivf route to test any embryos for genetic abnormalities. But last cycle didn’t produce any embryos to test.
can kind of afford to keep going but question myself every month whether it’s worth it. Its a big decision to quit as feel as if it’s now or never.

@kirinm do you mind if I ask if you ever thought of trying for a second or are you one and done?

This door closing on TTC has really affected me.

We did try. I saw a couple of very faint lines on pregnancy tests but nothing beyond that sadly. We tried for nearly 2 years and just reached a point where I couldn't cope with the process anymore. I was sick of counting down the days to ovulation / counting down the days post ovulation, testing everyday etc.

Would I still have a baby now? In the very unlikely scenario that I could actually get pregnant - yew definitely.

Will we try? No.

I’m sorry that you have been through such hard times too @birdbybird and @kirinm.
I think we are done - DH didn’t really want another child anyway and I think he’s had enough now with the trauma we’ve suffered.