Decision time - 2nd child at 42? Am I too old?

[Monkeynuts333]

Deciding whether to have a 2nd child at 42. I really feel like I am at a crossroads in my life and scared I'll regret not having tried later in life! I already have a wonderful 9 year old boy. Conceived on the first try! Don't really know why we didn't try to have another one sooner. Life just got in the way...pandemic, my dad passed away and work commitments. Only in the last year I am starting to feel broody and have watched over the passed year all my family and some friends go on to have their 2nd children. I am now feeling really jealous of them! They were all about 40 when they did it and am now regretting not having tried sooner.
My son is also now aware that all his cousins and friends have siblings and he has told me he really wants a little brother or sister. I have tried to discuss this with hubby (45) and not convinced he is 100 per cent on board. He likes the idea of another child but he is wary of the baby stage again and we have no family support. I know deep down I will regret not trying but worried I will struggle to cope and make our lives worse and hubby will blame me!
I am healthy, slim, non smoker, on no meds, regular periods so healthwise I feel pretty good to go! All I am hearing is negativity about having one at this stage so any glimmer of positivity would be welcome!

@Monkeynuts333 i am 42 too and trying for the Second more than 2 years and nothing. However, my AMH is rubbish/low, so don’t know what to expect.
My partner is much older than yours and loves his sleep (I mean goes to bed earlier and likes getting up early but likes to sleep without interruption), but we both agree it would be lovely to have a sibling for our daughter, so we keep trying.
id say go for it if you feel you regret not trying. If you don’t try, you might blame him later for not letting you to try.
good luck whatever you decide.

9 year gap and 42, no I really wouldn't.

I have a 9 year old and a toddler. I’m 40. It has been a challenge! Going back to the baby stage was difficult and I feel that my eldest suffered a bit for lack of attention. It’s lovely to have a sibling for her but she was also happy as an only child. I wouldn’t change it and I love having two. But I do feel tired and old this time and have spent many hours worrying about the impact on my eldest. Good luck with whatever you decide!

I'm 43 and ten weeks pregnant with my second - I had DD at 40.

If I had a choice, I'd have had my babies in my twenties . . . but that's not how my life turned out; we are where we are. And I feel so incredibly lucky . . . alternating with utter terror

You’ll never know if you don’t try.

I think it's fine ( and not too uncommon) to have a baby at 42 but you should think about the implications of such a large age gap. In some ways it could work - as newbie becomes a preschooler and needs to be involved in more activities, the older one will be entering teenage years and becoming more independent. On the other hand family outings/ holidays will be more difficult, trying to cater for such disparate needs. They'll never really be playmates but the older one could possibly be a useful babysitter etc, etc.

I had another at the age of 43 and an 11 year gap and feel very lucky as baby is so loved and special . I think it’s wonderful to have a sibling through life and in the families I know with bigger age gaps the children are extremely close

Go for it!

Sounds like you really want another OP, so I think that you should try. I had DC2 at age 45 (I was overweight so you're in a better place than I was). 6 years between mine (would have preferred smaller gap - 2 years say but fertility issues, got there in the end without assistance thank my lucky stars) and its been fine both energy wise for me and DC1 LOVES being a big sister! For me the desire for DC2 only got stronger as time went on so I say go for it.

I had my second and last at 39. She's 14 now and I'm exhausted, in my 50's and dealing with teenage hormones during the menopause is no joke. There's only 20 months between my children. With a gap of 10 years I wouldn't do it. Your eldest will no doubt become resentful and irritated by the younger one, even if they love each other dearly.

Just putting my ten pence in! My mum had me when she was 41 and my sister and brother were 16 & 18. We are all incredibly close and my sister is my best friend! Growing up I had lots of cousins to play with and was spoilt rotten and loved by my siblings as they were a bit older.
I am now 38 and just started TTC number 4, my youngest is 11 so there will be a big age gap but the more the merrier I say. Go for it if you feel you can xx

The thing is will he want a three year old sibling when he’s 13? Possibly not or at least will have minimal interest in them. So do not do it for that reason. Also don’t think about a baby. Think about if you want to be walking around playgrounds holding their hands while they try to walk again, doing soft play parties on an Sunday morning again, having another decade of needing a babysitter and after school childcare. Because that’s the reality. You might think yeah, I don’t mind all that, in which case, go for it. But don’t think baby, think 20 year commitment.

Go for it 😊 x

9 year gap is so hard. I'm 42 and did it at 25 and 34.

See, I don’t think of my child having a playmate when they’re young, I think of him having someone to rely on (no guarantees, I know) when they’re older. Someone to share the load (maybe) when we’re old and ill. I found more comfort in having a brother when our mum was ill than I could’ve ever imagined.

You don’t have any guarantees though, ever, so just make a decision and go forward without looking back. You probably know deep down what you want and what (you think) is best.

Give it a try!
I considered having another when I was 39/40. Decided not to try, for various financial/practical reasons.

Now 45 and really wish I'd gone for it. Ttc now but fully aware that I've probably left it too late.
If you think you may feel the same, give it a go now. Hope it works out.

Even if it doesn't, at least you'll know you tried while you still had a reasonable chance.
Good luck!

I have a brother who is 9 years older than me and I really looked up to him growing up. :) He was a hands on big brother but obviously as the years went on he had very different interests to myself and didn’t want a baby sister to tag along and “ruin his look”. I remember crying my eyes out when he moved out.
I don’t think your age is a problem, just be aware that little siblings are annoying and he will only want to do the fun parts, more than likely. :) If your husband isn’t on board I’d be hesitant. GL!

Go for it! As I said to another poster on topic of being older parent; think of it from your child’s perspective- having a sibling in your later years will be so good for them! Good luck!

We were really lucky. Ds is ten years older than DTwins. Although I had them at 37 the age gap is the same.

DTwins have each other as an instant sibling, but if they had been a singleton, it would not really have been a sibling for DS, more like two only children. He definitely enjoys them, but got annoyed with them and their crying, nappies, tantrums in equal measure. They are just coming out of that phase and he's now becoming a teen who wants little to do with much other than his mates and his phone.

It's also harder to do things as a family, they want to play at the park, he wants to look at trainers. He wants us to all go for a bike ride. They pedal at the speed of smell.

Personally, at 42, with that age gap. I wouldn't. But it's all individual preference. I do believe that there is a good point in that they will have each other as adults, when a 9yr age gap is nothing. I'm an only, and I'll feel so lost when DM passes.

Thanks for everyone's opinions.
I am still deciding! Trying to forget about it and suppress my feelings as it would be a much easier life to leave things as they are! I want these feelings to go away but my son keeps asking when my tummy will expire and that he would love a sibling! Meeting up with family and friends tomorrow, all with their two children just to rub it in as well!

I have a friend who had her third child in her early 40s, two older kids were 10 and 13. The age gap is working really well for them, the older kids adore the baby (now a toddler) and vice versa, and they have been a huge help. My friend says she's more tired this time around but that the relationship between the kids is so much better than she ever expected.
All kids are different, you'll know best how your son might respond to a baby, but I think it sounds like you should go for it! You said several times you'd regret it if you didn't. Good luck!

Ps there's a fantastic Facebook group called one and done on the fence, I found it so supportive and helpful when I was considering whether or not to have a second baby. Now pregnant with my second so left the group! There are lots of stories like yours there

I had my 3rd at 40 with 10 and 7 year olds. I was very like you, couldn’t shake the feelings. My older kids adore the little one. Yes it’s hard being back to the financial ties of childcare and she’s still up in the night at 1, but honestly I wouldn’t change it. People try and put you off but if you know, you know. I have mine snuggled next to me now <3 good luck x

I have a 1 year old and a 10 year old. I'm now 42. So far I find the age gap really helpful as the oldest helps out a lot with the baby! No regrets here - would have done it sooner but infertility had other ideas. On the minus side, we are both very tired and it is odd going through the baby/toddler stage again!