Knowing when the "right time" is?!

[Coffeetillcocktails]

I will try to keep this brief - but a bit of background..

My husband and I (both 30) have been married for 3 years now, own a lovely 3 bedroom home, both in secure well paid jobs, and money isn't an issue. The conversation has started recently about babies..

A couple more points to bring up - November 2021 we went through the difficult choice of having an abortion. We became pregnant out of the blue (my coil fell out without me knowing...) And we were in a very different position to now that meant we weren't ready (living with parents, only I was working at the time etc.).

I have PCOS so before the pregnancy in November 2021 there was always a question over whether I could ever get pregnant. The question remains - was that a one off chance? Will it never happen again?

We had a conversation in October/November that we were going to stop using contraception and just "see what happens" with a view to TTC "properly" in the spring time (2023). We stopped using contraception in December 2022.

It all felt quite exciting and new, the prospect of getting pregnant and growing our family.

A couple of weeks after we made the decision, and stopped using contraception, our closest friends announced they were pregnant. For some reason it felt like a bit of a blow? Like they'd stolen our thunder or something? It somehow took away the excitement for me, and I felt like, well now it doesn't feel as special. Perhaps it's worth mentioning here, no one in my close friendship group have had children yet, and I think part of my mindset is that I had always imagined I would be the first to get pregnant?

I know this all sounds a bit crazy and I'm sure someone will say something similar to "you need to make the decision based on what's best for you" and not be influenced by other people. But I can't just ignore what's going on around me.

On top of this - my career is really developing and the next 8-12 months could potentially be a big promotion for me with lots of exciting aspects. If I were to go on maternity leave, it would just completely change the dynamic.

And the more I think about getting pregnant vs. my career, I feel really nervous and scared about the prospect of getting pregnant.

I know some people say "there is never the right time" but I'm such a logical thinker and planner, it feels so unnatural to me to just throw caution to the wind!

LONG STORY SHORT! - When do you know the time is right???

How do you stop outside factors influencing your decision?

Will I ever feel 100% happy and content in a decision to be pregnant? Or will it always feel scary and nerve wrecking?

I was hesitant to comment negatively, but I need to let you know that getting pregnant/carrying to term isn't always as straightforward as we are led to believe when we're younger. I am speaking from experience.
If you are thinking about trying, then go for it. Life has a way of working out job wise etc but there will never be a perfect time.
You can't dictate when and if you get pregnant or if you will stay pregnant. So I'd go for it. It's easier to solve a problem in the moment (such as how do I and my employer balance my job role with my maternity leave) than solve a problem that hasn't happened yet.

I found a lot of the problems I anticipated weren't the ones that materialised and the ones I didn't anticipate caused the problems. Waiting for the perfect time to have a baby went particularly well - when I did all the calculations the ideal month for a baby to arrive was March 2020. A lot can change in 9 months so you just have to go into it knowing you're in a good situation now.

Thank you - I would much rather honest, open opinions. I do often find myself thinking, you never know what's round the corner.. what will happen next week, next month... So best just enjoy yourself now and live your life (although in the past I've only ever used this reasoning to buy something expensive or have another slice of cake and not such a big life changing decision!!)

I think it’s really hard to say as everyone is so different! I think honestly some people will always feel scared no matter if much wanted and planned so you might just be one of those people!
Saying that there was never a doubt in my mind about getting pregnant but then again it’s something I’ve always wanted, and was ready before my partner so I had to wait for him to be on the same page, so guess I was desperate by then🤣

Sorry to say the being logical and a planner doesn't go hand in hand with getting pregnant. You could wait for the perfect time and then it could take a further year.
Re. Your friend getting pregnant, if you don't want any of your friends to be pregnant at the same time as you then you'll be waiting a long time at your age! (Being facetious here, but it's a very strange reason to put you off, if anything it would make me more broody but that's me)
Equally things at work might not actually pan out they way you think they will/hope. You just never know.
If you see babies in your future and are set up financially I'd just go for it

I could have written this! Such similar background to yourself. I came off pill in Oct and we are now trying but not trying too hard if that makes sense 😂 and let me tell you even just before coming off the pill I was still questioning is this right time etc. and now already I know I want to be pregnant more than anything it seems!

Also, in November my brother in law announced a surprise baby on the way with his girlfriend and I felt weird and completely the same as you describe, like my thunder was stolen! Not that anyone knows we are trying but yeah it was weird.

Anyway we are just getting on with TTC now as I know it can be a long road and you just never know how long it could take.

In terms of how being pregnant can balance with your job etc that truly is only something you can decide. I personally know I'm ready to have a baby because I'm happy and ready to take that break from work.

It's so nice to know there are other people in the same position!!

I think the other thing that makes it so difficult is my husband is so ready and keen to have a baby now - there are no doubts in his mind. So I feel guilty about having doubts and questioning whether I'm ready.

Can I ask, in relation to your brother in law, how do you think you processed and came to terms with those feelings of jealousy/having your thunder stolen?.

For some there will never be a perfect time. For me the desire to be a mother was strong even though I wasn't really ready, so we went for it (and it took years so thank goodness we started youngish). You've been pregnant before so my bet is that you won't have any trouble, but best not to delay too much longer....yes you have some time, but 30 isn't super young in fertility terms either.

@Coffeetillcocktails when we found out they were expecting I was actually at the start of my first cycle of having a period off the pill and to be honest it did sort of stop us in our tracks a bit. If we conceived that month our baby would be one month younger than theirs and I just didn't love that idea. We were purposely still careful for that month and started trying the next month. I did feel jealousy, especially as theirs wasn't planned and we were about to start trying.

Then moving on I just focused back on us I guess, and kept thinking about what we wanted and ultimately it doesn't matter what other people are doing and whether they are expecting etc.

But I know exactly the feelings you're describing. Just letting the news of others expecting settle and giving yourself some time to evaluate how you feel helps. Be kind to yourself