How do you know when your done?

[Ange211]

I will try to be brief but not drip feed:
I am 40 & have 2 DC 14, 6 with DH.
We both wanted a large family but after DS 1 we suffered our first mc & then couldn’t fall pregnant again. Tests revealed bilaterally blocked Fallopian tubes. We decided again ivf but fell pregnant with DS2 7 years ago. Since then I have had several mc & chemical pregnancies although the recurrent mc clinic can’t find any definitive cause.
I’m genuinely fed up of ttc, I’m over the heartache of repeated early loses, I enjoy that we now have children who are out of buggies and we can do more adventurous things & practically I know another baby isn’t a good idea BUT every month without fail I’m sad when AF arrives.
has anyone else experienced this? How did you solve it? I sometimes wonder if DH having a vasectomy would solve it because then there’s no monthly “hope”

I wish I knew the answer to this! I’ve just managed to have a second DD after a couple of years of recurrent miscarriage and failed IVF and I keep telling people I’m glad to be done with all that pain and grief - but here I am at 39 secretly longing for a third. There’s not a single reason it would be smart to try again except this deep craving.

Given my known problems with egg quality and reserve, I know I would likely go through more miscarriages if I tried to have another, and that this could put me right back in that TTC space and start wrecking my mental health again. But somehow when people ask and I tell them we’re finished having children I know it’s a lie.

Pretty sure I need therapy :)

It’s mad isn’t it. I actually had therapy after my second mc - it helped at the time but each mc raises my hopes again 🥲

Hi there 😊. I think that a vasectomy would be a mistake if you're still hoping, just because it's hard to go back on that.

Maybe give yourself a time frame for ttc? I know it's hard. I had 2 children early in life, then decided when they were 7 and 9 I wanted 2 more if I could. Fell pregnant straight away, sadly my daughter was born sleeping. It then became an obsession, to get pregnant and carry, and a healthy baby outcome. I went through multiple miscarriages and mmc. Almost every cycle. I went full on crazy, I was so desperate. We ended up with 2 more children who are now 9 and 11. In the last 7 years my thoughts of babies has changed, I no longer feel envious of friends/ people getting pregnant like I used to. I actually think thank god its not me!¡!

So, what I'm getting at is, you have to wait . You'll know when that need to have a baby goes away, it just does naturally. My best friend was never able to conceive at all, she was desperate for years. But it's gone now for her, she has no sadness about it.

Don't rush into anything x