38 years old... waiting another 3 months?

[BatildaB]

Me and my partner are both late bloomers in terms of settling into adult life, but we're just about on track now, financial stability is within sight and we're moving in together in the Spring. I have always thought that I would have a child, but after a break up in my early 30s and then meeting and falling in love with my current partner while we were both in situations that didn't fit having kids right away, I knew that I was risking missing the window of opportunity. I knew over the past few years that I could have decided to prioritise children with someone else over giving this relationship the time that it needed, and consciously chose to take the gamble. So if we don't manage to have kids then I'll be disappointed but not bitter, I knew that I was putting it off.

But now it does look like we are almost in a position to give it a go - in 3-4 months time I'll be in a job that would pay live-able maternity leave, and he'd also be in a good position to be able to parent and financially look after a child. Now that it's within sight I'm freaking out about how old I am and worrying that the extra few months will make a difference. I think it would be crazy to go for it sooner, when we're so nearly in a position to provide a stable home to a baby but would still be really stuck if it happened before that. But I'll be closer to 39 than 38 by the time we start trying, and I'm feeling such an ache to get on with it. My mum had a late menopause and had my sister at 39, and I have a pretty regular cycle, but so many of my female friends of the same age are having fertility issues and worries that it feels so scary to keep waiting.

Not sure if I'm looking for advice or just encouragement that I'm not going to screw it up by waiting three more cycles! It doesn't help that I have an older friend who wishes she'd had kids and practically got down on her knees in the street to beg me to chuck out the condoms immediately when I talked to her about it! Any words of wisdom would be appreciated.

Maybe just casually start not preventing it for the next 3 months? And enjoy yourselves!

I know that's what we did and now, 12 months later, still no baby and stressing about ovulation tests every month!! So the magic has sort of gone out of it. I'm also 3 years younger than you and unfortunately, every cycle counts at our age.

Good luck xxx

Hi there, it's so hard on women having age weigh over them. I always say park all those other voices and listen to your gut. Trust in your own voice. I suspect you already know what you'd like to do.

I realise we have unique experiences but I feel I can relate to some extent. I'm a few months away from 38, had lots of issues (including having an ovary removed). We managed to fall pregnant in the summer, shortly followed with a miscarriage. I've managed to fall pregnant again but just this week been told my child is at risk of having Down syndrome and we're now waiting on test results. I've gone through all the thoughts of 'we should have started sooner' but the truth is, that's not how life always rolls.

Guess where I'm going with this, whatever you decide be prepared for your own personal rollercoaster of emotions and issues. Regardless of your age. You could be fortunate and be one of the many women I know who had a baby at this age with no issues. Or you could be one of those women who face lots of tough dilemmas. The world of babies and fertility is a real lottery of risks at every corner that are often out of your control.

Not sure this is a response you're looking for. But definitely not alone.

(Finally ... you might find it takes a few months to fall pregnant and stats on first pregnancy being a miscarriage are high)

All the best with creating your family x

In your situation I would stop the pill or any other hormonal contraceptives if you are using them. Use condoms. Both of you should stop smoking and drinking alcohol. Both should take the male and female pre pregnancy vitamins available from now. Remember folic acid is advised for at least 3 months pre pregnancy and first 12 weeks of the pregnancy. This will ensure when you are ready to try your bodies will be in best possible condition for a healthy pregnancy
There are several YouTubers who have happily discussed the exact vitamins and minerals they took which led to successful pregnancies

you may get pregnant very quickly or it may take a long time. Pregnancy over 35 has a higher chance of miscarriage and chemicals so could take longer for a viable pregnancy. I would be lying if I said 3 months definitely won’t do any harm as there’s no way to know.

I turned 38 in November and already have a child (7 year old) so I knew I could get pregnant but it still took me 5 cycles and I had a chemical. Then the next cycle I got pregnant again and another chemical. The next cycle I got pregnant again and am 6+4 at the moment so past the point of a chemical and hoping for the best taking every day as it comes.

All you can do is weigh up the pros and cons and decide what’s the best course of action for you

I had my second baby at 42 after years of trying (secondary infertility). If you were my friend I would also tell you to go for it! The older you get the longer it will take. On the other hand it's perfectly possible to have a perfectly healthy baby in your 40s! Good luck op x

I'm 38 and currently 25w pregnant with DC2. It has taken a long time to reach this point, chemical pregnancies, miscarriages, scans and invasive tests and blood tests to check fertility and hormone levels etc before I successfully conceived this time.

And every loss, every 'one more month' that passed came with growing resentment towards my DH. He wasn't ready, I was. We've been together for around 16 years now.

Waiting until 'the perfect time' is my one regret. There is never a perfect time. But there is always time wasted.

Id get started now to be honest and download a fertility app and get some ovulation tests so you know when the right time is to maximise your chances. At your age I wouldn’t just be approaching it casually!

That said don’t fret too much. I had dc in late 30s and got pregnant first month of trying both times. A lot of friends have too so for every negative age related story there are positive ones.

I would suggest that you stop trying to prevent it for the next 3 months, and if you haven't already, get to know your signs of ovulation. I totally get where you're coming from, but my reason is that if you start trying in 3 or 4 months and it never happens for you, you will always, always have that 'what if' one of those missed months would have been the one.

Have you never lived together? I realise the clock is ticking but you’d be mad to ttc with someone you haven’t ever lived with.

Is he as keen as you are to get cracking? You don’t mention his views at all.

I'd say get yourself some folic acid and go for it!

All of these replies are really helpful, thanks. I still feel confused, but in a slightly clearer way.. I might see if I can start the new job earlier to move things along a bit faster. And will get on the vitamins and supplements properly! I've tracked my cycle for years but haven't paid much attention to signs of ovulation, will look at that too.

We haven't lived together, I live with a friend and he stays over here most nights. He helps out here and is the one who takes care of most bills and housework in his house share so I don't have any worries about living with him in terms of spending lots of time together or sharing housework. He's keen too, yes, and would be a great dad. It's not always been on his radar because it's taken him till now to get his shit together, but it's not just me pushing it!

Read 'it starts with an egg' and follow the supplements protocol, eat a nutrient dense diet, gentle exercise, lots of fresh air and try to lose a bit of weight if you are carrying any extra (but no extreme dieting).

It takes 3 months for egg health to improve so perfect timing. Also make sure DP is taking some extra supplements too, defo a decent multi vit - Wild Nutrition do his and hers supplements.

Get your hormones and his sperm checked - can do NHS or privately (about £500 for his and hers package through Care Fertility) and do your research when you have your results. Make your TSH is below 2.0.

Track your cycle and start LH testing with first morning wee to figure out when you ovulate. Normally it's two days after you get your peak, and I always seek to ovulate (I can feel) first thing in the morning when I wake up. When I got pregnant it was from having sex the night before that. Always have a orgasm.

Oh and lots of sex. Ditch the lube tho, they can mess with sperm.

I got pregnant at 38 and had my first baby at 39. It took a year of doing all the things but it worked and they were totally worth it!

Good luck!

It depends on how much you want babies. I am 38 too and for reasons v similar to yours, only started ttc recently. I never thought it'd take more than a couple of months to fall but here I am, 8 cycles on, watching my body do things that make me wonder whether I am too late. My husband and I are ready to go down the adoption route if things don't work out (im not doing ivf), so if that is not you, I'd start trying now. Life will fall into place. So many people in much more precarious situations go on to have successful families, so I'd say don't overthink it, if you can. Id love to know how you get on, keep us updated? Good luck!

When I got pregnant with my first. It was planned. Right job. Good mat pay. Stable home/house.

Got pregnant quickly. Took a test on the Saturday morning. Crazy early super excited. On Monday i went into work, found out I was being made redundant. 5 weeks pregnant. Circumstances change. Without warning.

This book looks amazing, have just downloaded, thanks for the recommendation and for the other advice.

Thanks for sharing this. I think you, and other posters who have said that life falls into place are right, although it makes me quite nervous to think about. I'm really aware of the precarity of everything - money, mental health, physical health.. but we do both have jobs and prospects, and there's no drama in our lives or relationship despite fairly turbulent pasts (separately), so maybe that's enough of a foundation. Good luck to you too!

I wouldn't sit back and wait regardless of the circumstances cause your ovaries will not wait for you. We have known fertility issues (I'm 37 now) and not taking immediate action years ago has been the biggest regret of my life . I live in fear that I'll never conceive a child

Do you earn as much as, or more than him?

Advice wise, Mumsent is filled with mums though so arguably you might get biased info here. I'd look at some choldfree forums too and see what you think. Of course they might be bias in the other direction but...the world is filled with people who regret having kids and yet, will happily encourage others to do it.

I earn more, and will be earning quite a lot more when my new job starts, although he's in the NHS so has good benefits. Our jobs would work quite well with having children as I can largely WFH on part time or flexible hours and he works evenings.

See, I put off having a child for years. One reason was because of all these people who apparently regret having kids. I looked at a couple of childfree forums, but quickly came to the conclusion that they were all about slagging off 'breeders' rather than, say, swapping tips on childfree hotels in exotic destinations.

Finally had my first baby at 39. No regrets at all, except I wish I'd started earlier.

OP, personally, I wouldn't hang around. Chances are it will take you longer than 3 months to conceive, even if you don't have any fertility problems.

Well you could have just asked about childfree hotels... or, you know, Google.

What I'm saying is op should look at things like: the risks to her health, body and mental wellbeing. And whether or not she really wants children or its because she's been told her whole life she's supposed to want them ect...

I mean you could argue that if your life is great atm, stable, happy with a man you love...it's a risk to bring a child into that and change everything. Because many relationships don't survive kids.

Weight up both sides.

*weigh up both sides
Although you will also put weight on on both sides tbf xD