TTC after TFMR

[Trying2023]

Hi all. I've decided to post following a TFMR 5 weeks ago. My period came a few days ago and rather than feeling overjoyed at the prospect of ttc again soon, I'm miserable. I really do want to be pregnant again, but the hurdles before I actually get to have a healthy, live baby seem so overwhelming: 3 months of anxiety followed by CVS at 11 weeks, then God knows what. Everyone around me seems to be enjoying smooth pregnancies with my partner's sister due when I was supposed to be due. I don't wish this sh!t on anyone, but I can't help but wonder why me. Why did I have to carry this terrible weight? I have no idea whether trying to conceive again soon is a good idea or not either (my doctor seems clueless tbh). I'm taking a cocktail of vitamins and minerals including 5mg folic acid, but do wonder if these pills that I gag on daily are gonna make a difference if I don't wait the 3 months recommended as standard. I have no friends I can actually talk about these feelings with and so I ask you go easy on me should this come across as emotional mush. I'd love to hear from other women who are in this same position so we can support one another. It's so lonely riding this joyless wave otherwise.

I’m so sorry to hear you had to go through this, it is the most awful thing to happen. I also had a TFMR 8 weeks ago.

If you don’t mind me asking how old are you? Perhaps you could have a break before starting TTC again? I found when I got my first period after I was particularly emotional.

I’m lucky to already have 3 DC but it was a very much wanted 4th. My DH doesn’t want to try again whereas I just want to be pregnant again and can’t imagine not having another. Unfortunately time is not on my side as I’m 41.

I’m awaiting some bereavement counselling sessions, I’m really hoping they’ll help as I don’t know where to go from here. Do you have access to some counselling/support?

I joined the Arc forum which has helped reading other people’s stories of TFMR.

Please be assured you are not alone in this.

Sending

Thanks @HazyDays81 for the kind words. I am 38 years old, so time is not on my side either I feel. I have brushed aside counselling because I feel like it isn't gonna make any difference. Maybe I'm wrong. Right now I only have one focus. I'm so blinkered it's awful, I know.

I can understand the need to want to be pregnant again, I feel it too. I’ve seen so many positive stories of those who have had a TFMR followed by a healthy pregnancy. Of course that’s not to say it won’t be an anxious time for you. I remember reading you can be more fertile after so hopefully that works in your favour. It’s such a horrible place to be.

Counselling isn’t for everyone. I think for me as well as grieving the loss of my baby it is now how to move on as DH doesn’t want to try again. I’m finding that really hard.

I know you said you don’t feel like you can speak your friends about this. Is your other half supportive?

Be kind to yourself x

I might join you guys, although we're still on the fence a bit. I'm 38 too and feel that we haven't got that long to go back and forth trying to decide whether to take the plunge or not. I'm personally terrified of having chromosomal abnormalities again and I'm really hung up on my age now, even though logically most women my age and older still have normal pregnancies. But I guess after a tfmr it's very hard to be optimistic.

So sorry you had to go through all that OP. It's really shit. Like really shit. It's perfectly normal to be scared of trying again, but it's also normal to want to just crack on. I think after losing a pregnancy your body craves being pregnant again. I remember after my tfmr I was so desperate to get pregnant again. In fact I wanted to TTC when I was still waiting for the tfmr to happen, as awful as that sounds. It was such a weird time.

I did lots of research on it some years ago, and I suppose how long you should wait depends on what the reason for the tfmr was. If I recall correctly, with some conditions like spina bifida it is recommended to do the high dose of folic acid for a couple of months to try and prevent it happening again (although isn't this usually just bad luck?), but don't quote me on this because it was a while ago. I became pregnant again six weeks after the tfmr and it was all good, although I got a high risk on the 12 week screening tests again which was really stressful. Baby was fine though and they are currently a happy primary school kid. I'm grateful I got my rainbow and I feel a bit mad for wanting to try again!

Sorry I'm probably not very helpful as I struggle with the same stuff, but I would be happy to chat if you need someone to talk to. 😊 Take care.

I had my TFMR in April 2019, We did wait a little while, I had already had a MMC a few years earlier, then DS1 who was 3 when I had to have the TFMR.

We went on holiday, took some time out to recuperate, and without planning to was pregnant again by the September. The care I got during DS2 pregnancy was astounding, DS2 was born June 2020 (mid lockdown) a week overdue, perfectly healthy with 0 complications.

This is not your fault, and nothing you could have done or not done would have changed that.

Thanks @HazyDays81 for being understanding. I have read about being more fertile after a loss. However, that seems to relate to those who lose a baby in the first trimester. Mine was a late pregnancy loss and so I am less sure if this applies. My OH must be so sick of hearing me swing back and forth on the matter. He says little on it, nods away and gives me the answers I want to hear, but i reckon it's probably hard for him to talk about the way I do (he's that silent but strong type typically. I don't think he knows how to deal with my constant nattering on the matter). I'm trying to be kind to myself, but then every now and again I wonder whether my over the hill bod (as it feels - whether it is or not is another matter) can get it right next time. The question plagues me.

@BabyPotato am I right in saying you had a healthy baby post TFMR, but now you are anxious once again to try for another because of your age? Your story does fill me with hope and at least you know you're capable of producing a healthy baby once more I guess. It might be worth you knowing that my sister is 43 and just had a healthy baby not too long ago. I wish I found that reassuring myself but she has never had a bad pregnancy or labour, so I feel our bodies are miles apart. However, age doesn't seem to be the be all and end all at least.

Thank you @QforCucumber . Stories like yours really do help ease my mind.

@Trying2023 Yes that's about it. Although I think I would be anxious about trying again even if I was in my 20s because I know how wrong it can go. Thanks for the encouraging comments about your sister's age. I love hearing slightly older ladies having healthy babies as it reminds me that it does happen, and in fact that is the norm!

Did you have genetic counselling after your tfmr? Perhaps something like that might help? We had a session with a geneticist who explained the likelihood of having another tfmr for the same reason, and luckily ours was just down to bad luck so recurrence was unlikely (although I still stressed about all the other conditions under the sun).

Also, my DH was and still is the same. Our tfmr was 6 years ago now and we still don't talk about it very much. I've been broody for some time now and we're trying to work out what to do, so we have you touched on our past experiences recently, but talking about it is still very hard for him. To be fair I never talk about this stuff in real life either, but at least I was able to chat about it on forums which made a massive difference.

Glad I could help you feel slightly better about the age matter @BabyPotato. We did indeed speak with a geneticist who put our baby's condition down to bad luck. There is "0.001% chance of it reoccurring," we were informed. That doesn't make me feel better however given there was 0.01% chance of it happening in the first place! My emotions being all over thr place has given me digestive issues too I think. Despite this bucket of negativity (you could say), we are likely to try again soon. I can't see how waiting is going to make me feel better. The only reason to wait is to allow more time for my body to heal (whether or not that is needed I really don't know!).

Much like yourself, I do not talk about any of this in real life with anyone. Partially because I can't deal with the shower of pity/sympathy, moreso because I really could do without the empty reassurances. There's nothing good as you can see from me talking to anyone. I just can't deal with any response right now.

I can't wait to be pregnant again, really. It feels like groundhog day right now.

I'm totally the same re. not talking to anyone. I remember soon after my tfmr I specifically said to DH that I will never discuss this with anyone, and I haven't (bar online). I didn't see the benefit of it at all. It was a really shit thing that happened and we had to move on. In hindsight I think I maybe should have talked about it with DH a bit more for his sake but it was too sore then.

That's good that you were given the same "bad luck and not likely to happen again" line, but I completely get how it might not fill you with confidence because it's already happened once. We got the same response from people when I was pregnant with my rainbow and panicking about everything being wrong. I got the "oh I'm sure everything's fine" all the time and it made me furious because how could they be so sure? Luckily it was ok in the end, but I had to accept that I wasn't going to enjoy the pregnancy and that I would be stressing about everything constantly. I have heard that this is quite common and you may also grieve the loss of having a normal pregnancy. I was certainly bitter and quite jealous of all the women having straightforward and normal pregnancies and enjoying their scans and bumps and whatever, but I just white knuckled it and got there in the end.

I hope TTC works out for you and you get a positive soon. There is a great thread for people with our experiences in the antenatal testing section of Mumsnet, and everyone is very supportive there. 😊

Feeling really shit today if you don't mind me saying. It's strange because I almost feel like the more time that passes, the more miserable I am. A friend recommended Vitex Berry tablets to improve the rate of conception. Given she got pregnant within a couple months each time, I'm gonna give that a go. I can't wait until this period is in the rear view mirror, and I can look back and think, "geez, that was a terrible time. Thank goodness it's behind me." Praying for a sprinkling of baby dust.

Thank you @BabyPotato. I've just seen your message come through. You must have a sixth sense for when to post to make me feel better. I'll check out other boards on Mumsnet for more support - great suggestion, thank you

I'm in a similar situation. Tfmr in 9th Dec. Still waiting for my period though. Want to ttc again ASAP but also nervous about going through the whole process again. As someone who carries hunter's syndrome (mps2) I will have to go through 9/10 weeks before NIPT (Gender blood test) and possibly further tests after that. I at least feel like I know what to expect next time round (whenever that may be) but it's also just so hard to go through all the scans.. And planned appointments that might have to be cancelled.. Them giving you scan pictures and feeling like you have to explain to a thousand different nhs professionals why you're not NOT excited.. You're just trying to hold back and be realistic 😔 here's to hoping next time will be 'the one' have had to go through Christmas (when we wer eplanning to announce) and listen to everyone I know moan about how having kids is a nightmare and how we're so lucky we don't have them yet and to make the most of it...(obviously they don't know what we've just been through) but I just find it all so offensive right now 😔

Hi Everyone. We got a high NT measurement at our 12w scan on Friday and have been told it's very likely we'll need to TFMR. I'm still struggling to get my head around it as we had a missed miscarriage in October 2022 as well so I was so hopeful this one would work out.
I was just wondering how it was going for all of you? I'm so in need of some positive stories at the moment. Thanks

@TivoliHA Sorry to hear this 😔. I feel very lucky that (I believe) my cycle has returned to normal after TFMR on 9th Dec at 15 weeks which is quicker than I thought. and I think according to tests I ovulated on 28th Jan so now just in the 2WW to see what happens.. Im not holding out any hope as its still very soon and we on BD once on the 28th as well. We shall see I guess. Unfortunately its just as likely we will need to TFMR again depending on the outcome (25% chance until we find out the gender then if it's a boy it's 50/50). I'm very nervous about going through the process again.. But not enough that I don't want to try so will just have to ee how it goes. Its outside my control I guess. Its easy for others to say "oh you can't be unlucky twice in a row" but the reality is I know it's just as likely and I'm already trying to prepare for that.. Whilst also hoping it's not the case

Im so sorry you're going through this again, I hope it happens for you soon. There are so many out there with positive stories and they keep me going! 🌈

@Cmp990 I'm so glad for you that your cycle is getting back to normal. Did you go for surgical or medical management? I'm keeping everything crossed for you that this is your cycle. It only takes one BD session! Keep me updated (if you feel ok to).

I know what you mean about others saying you can't be unlucky twice. Given that I've had a miscarriage and now this, which doctors are saying is just 'bad luck', doesn't give me much faith that the next one will work out. Like you though, I want my rainbow baby more than the fear of having to go through this heartbreak again. I'm in the TWW for my CVS results.. that's going to be such fun whilst my belly keeps growing 😞I'm just hoping no-one notices so I don't have to keep repeating the story.

@TivoliHA I'm so sorry to read this. It is such a heartbreaking time. I gave birth to our beautiful little girl on the 2nd December last year at 25 weeks. I have to say despite the soul destroying sadness it was such a privilege to be able to deliver her and a completely selfless decision to make the decision to let her go as part of her brain had not formed properly.

I would say that whatever you need to do you will have done with love. I'm still in the grieving process now but everyday gets a little better. I had to go back for scans due to heavy bleeding and severe cramps but yesterday I was signed off as everything is looking good and we can TTC whenever we are ready.

I did some research and requested 5mg Folic Acid from my GP so plan to take it for 3 months as recommended. As our daughters issue was her brain, higher folic acid can support this in future pregnancies.

If you have any questions I'd be happy to answer them. Sending you lots of love x

@TivoliHA well I'll be thinking of you, the waiting after the CVS is the worst! I got my results back in a week if that helps. I carry Hunters Sydrome (mps type 2) Unfortunately my first CVS was cancelled due to low staff and then got rebooked but I had to travel 2 hours into Central london to go to UCLH.. Then they couldn't do it the 2nd time so I had to come back again a week later after that.. It meant my TFMR was 2 weeks later than It could have been I guess. I had a medical at the hospital and was very lucky to be in a special seperate suite. If it helps to know, I bled for 1 week, then my period came back 6 weeks after my termination as normal (4 days). ovulation then seemingly came back as normal after that (based on opks and glow app). Keep us update if you feel like it helps. There are people to chat too either way and here for you even if you feel like you can't/don't want to talk to people in person! X

@whippeywhippet I'm so sorry for your loss. It's heartbreaking and you are so strong for getting through it. It's actually amazing how quickly our bodies recover...I would've expected it to take longer for you to physically recover given that your little girl was at 25 weeks. It must be lovely to know you are able to TTC whenever you are emotionally ready to do so.

That's a good point on the folic acid. I have been taking it daily since June 2022 but I will ask the hospital whether a higher dose might reduce the risk of having issues in future pregnancies. x

@Cmp990 It sounds like you went through a horrid experience just to get your CVS done, but I'm glad for you that your results came back relatively quickly. Thanks for sharing details of your cycle etc. That's so helpful. As horrid as it sounds, I honestly don't think I'll be able to be happy again until I'm pregnant again and know the baby is healthy...that feels like a lifetime away now though. x