Help us choose what to do with our lives!

[ellabellaaaa]

Hi everyone!


I’m at a complete life crossroads and would really appreciate your advice.

I’m 31 and my husband (32) really want to have a family but we are going round in circles trying to decide whether it would be better to put off TTC and move house first.

We live in a third floor 2 bedroom flat in a suburb of Edinburgh. We have spent time and money renovating the flat over the past 3 years, have friendly neighbours and the area is quite family friendly. Many of our neighbours in our block have babies and children so we’re confident that it would be do-able to stay in the flat in the short-term but we’re on the third floor, only have a shared garden and we don’t have any family nearby (my parents are an 8 hr drive away and DH’s 6 hrs) so we would need the second bedroom for them to stay. We’re aware that we’ll probably quickly run out of space and we’re not keen on staying in the city longer-term especially if we had school-age kids. I worry that we’d get stuck living in the flat if we stayed as we'd be able to afford a lot less due to maternity leave/going back to work part-time/childcare plus rising interest rates.

We couldn’t afford a bigger house in the area we currently live in so would be looking to move about an hour away to a completely new, much more rural area where housing is cheaper. My worry is that don’t know anyone at all who lives there, it’ll be a 1+ hour commute to work (but only once a week) and I think it’ll be much more difficult to meet other mums as seems very insular. We'd also only want to live in that area if we had kids so it's a risk to move before TTC.

There’s also a third option of relocating completely to be closer to family but this would mean us both leaving our jobs and we’d probably struggle to get jobs that paid as much, and moving to an area where housing is much less affordable. I think this would mean postponing TTC for at least 2 years as we’d need to find new jobs, buy a house and I’d need to wait until I was entitled to full maternity pay. I’m also not sure how useful our families would be in terms of providing childcare etc.

In our situation, would you:

• Stay living in the flat and TTC now, and try to move if/when we have baby. We might have a better idea of our needs then but would be able to afford much less due to reduced earnings than now.
• Move to a bigger house in the new area now and wait to TTC until we have moved.
• Relocate to live nearer to family now and TTC in a couple of years once settled.
• Something else?

It would be so good to hear what you’d do in our situation as we can’t decide what to do at all! X

Try now.
you never know how long it will take and what if you don’t find another house to move into now and you’re waiting longer? There are far worse situations than living in a flat with a baby. We sold our house to have a second baby but interest rates have risen and we are stuck back at parents with a toddler and a baby on the way. But we will get there eventually. I’d try now. You’ve nothing to lose.

@ellabellaaaa I would urge you not to delay if you are ready. You will never line up all your dominos perfectly. I started trying at 31 and didn't fall pregnant until 33 and this isn't uncommon. We have a similar housing set up - 3 floor 2 bed flat without lift but in central London. People live on the 3rd floor in flats all over the world and whilst you need to be a bit clever with how you store things etc, it will be fine.... plus you can move and make the decisions once you have a baby and know your needs and requirements. They don't move for a while so you'll have time to figure it out. Best of luck! I think 2 years will feel like a hugely long time to wait if you're ready. You could also both have a fertility MOT and see what the results are.... although this isn't a guarantee that you'll conceive quickly of course... x

It sounds like you've got a lovely set up in Edinburgh. I can't answer for you but happy to share our experiences.

We relocated from a family friendly suburb to a gorgeous rural community 2 years ago in the depths of covid, thinking we would have a baby shortly after. We've now been trying for a baby for over 18 months and we've still no little one at home (or on the way yet). Sadly babies don't always come when you're planning. We don't regret our move, in many ways our quality of life is significantly better, but me and DH are now rattling around in bigger house than we currently need that it may be many years before we fill. Thankfully the move proved convinent for our jobs, but if it wasn't I think we'd be questioning our choices. There's often more to do in rural areas than you might expect but we do miss our friends from the city and we don't know many people our age near here aside apart from through work.

Everything that follows is advice from a random stranger on the internet so take with a pinch of salt:

I assume you own your current place if you've done a lot of work to it? Staying put a bit longer will allow you to put more money into your mortgage (so when you move you'd have a bigger deposit), and even if you got pregnant tomorrow you could be there another 4-5 years before any child has gone to school (by which time you might both have increased wages even if you've gone part time). With the way interest rates are going at the moment I'd be cautious about maxing-out your borrowing on both of your full time wages expecting that both of you of you will be going part time.

As for your final option I would have a very frank conversation with your families if you are considering relocation at all. Some are very keen to help with baby care, but plenty are done their child raising. You might well find having grandparents who camp out on the sofa bed to cover the occasional half term when the nursery is shut much more helpful than them popping around on a sunday afternoon for a quick cup of tea (and not wanting to do anything else as they see you all regularly).

I'm in a similar situation to you, but our family live close by. We're in a tiny 2-bed cottage, and had intended to move to a bigger home before TTC. We've decided that, given the high interest rates, we're staying put for now, trying for our first baby, and if successful we'll cross that bridge when we come to it! So my advice would probably be.. go for it! It sounds like you would manage fine in your flat while you have a baby/toddler, and 2 years is a long time to wait!

Having not met my DH until I was in my 30s I'd urge you to start now.

Things like relatives visiting can be sorted with a sofa bed and LO sleeps in your room for a good 6 months anyway or 14 months, I'm looking at you DD 👀

TTC now if you want a family, at 31 I wouldn’t risk waiting a few years to start trying because you never no what’s ahead. Your potential set ups all sound as good as eachother and interest rates might have calmed down in a few years too.

TTC now. We started at 30 and it's taken us 2.5 years so far.

I’m in Scotland too, hi 😊 I think you can overthink these things. We had a sensible set up, did baby’s room up, he was born then ended up moving house just a few months later. The house wasn’t ready so we had to live in a one bedroom flat for 3 months with our dog and baby. It wasn’t ideal and definitely wasn’t the perfect little life you set out to create when pregnant or before but it was completely fine! A baby doesn’t actually need that much. Now I have a toddler and he has way more stuff than he did as a newborn but a baby will be in your room in a small crib anyway. You really just need a changing mat and play gym type thing in the living room then the rest of the stuff is just bottles etc. I was never a baby type of person before and wasn’t sure I was even going to have kids, wasn’t hugely fussed either way. Now I would 100% say have the baby over everything else. I can guarantee, as difficult as it might be whatever situation you end up in, you won’t go ‘I wish we’d waited’.

• Stay living in the flat and TTC now, and try to move if/when we have baby. We might have a better idea of our needs then but would be able to afford much less due to reduced earnings than now. - with this option you have 9 months of being pregnant plus 6 months of baby sleeping in your room/not needing a big cot so you have ages, and that’s providing you conceive on the first try!
• Move to a bigger house in the new area now and wait to TTC until we have moved. -No, I’d go baby over house every time.
• Relocate to live nearer to family now and TTC in a couple of years once settled. - They might not even be any use as you say. I would have the baby in the flat or move somewhere bigger first then assess whether they’re likely to offer childcare then when you go back to work you could aim to have moved by then if need be. Basically baby over everything and I was sooo not one of those people before I had mine! It’s the total cliche but he’s ‘the best thing to happen to me’ 😂

Thank you all so much for your kind and helpful messages 😊 You've given my DH and I some much needed perspective and made us both realise that we've definitely been overthinking things!

Very easy to overthink things

I say to wait another 6 to 12 months and to save as much money as possible before trying to get pregnant. Having a bit of savings gives your more options re taking time off work and will help when moving house.
I would stay where you are until your baby is 2/3. If you have a newborn and friends around you it can make things easier for you. Even if you have a friend who would mind the baby for an hour or 2 when you sleep it's worth it.

If family members have to stay get a sofa bed.

If you wait to move after you having the baby you will have a far better idea of what will suit you as a family. Just be aware of when you have to apply for primary school in the new house catchment area. When your baby is 2/3 it can be easier to get them into childcare or a local playschool and hopefully you'll get to know people through this.

I know you said that your thinking of moving to a more rural area. I know rural areas can look nice but with a kid/kids you can spend your life in the car brining them places or collecting them. I have seen friends do this for years. Also you to look into the school situation both primary and secondary to see what schools are in the catchment area. I would move into a town as most tows have more than one primary or secondary school and have public transport when the kids get older. They also have football, dancing, swimming and clubs ect for a child.

From what you have told us both sets of your parents live a long distance away and moving to either place could make it hard to find work and cut both your incomes. I can also tell you that not all grandparents want to mind grandkids. I have seen a friend of mine getting very little support from her own mother re babysitting and my friend only asks when she is stuck.
I can see in time that my friend won't be available as much as her mother expects when she needs care.