TTC at 41 after TFMR

[HazyDays81]

I have 3 DS ages 11, 9 & 4. Last month I sadly had a TFMR for chromosome abnormalities - our very much wanted fourth child. It has left me heartbroken & empty. I’m not sure where to go from here. Do I accept that it wasn’t meant to be and be happy with my lot? Or try again and hope there aren’t any issues? I feel like I’m running out of time at age 41. It took a year to conceive my last pregnancy. My eldest son is autistic (moderate severity) and my youngest has some learning delays so it can be a challenge but I just don’t feel our family is complete. I’m aware my emotions are still raw from what I have been through and I may not be thinking rationally.
Any advice welcome but please be kind x

I know this post is from over a month ago, but wondering how you are?
I too am 41, surprise pregnancy but found out yesterday at 13+1 baby has severe cystic hygroma, 50 % chance of chromosome abnormalities, 20% of heart defects and also has clubbed feet 💔 TFMR is booked for next week. We have a DS aged 8, no problems whatsoever. I'm in the same position as you, as in do we go again once I've recovered.
Sending you lots of love, I understand how difficult this time is xx

Hi @Lulabella22 I’m so sorry to hear you’re in this position, it is truly awful.
I’m ok, time is helping me heal but I still have days when it really hits me what we went through and overwhelming feelings of sadness that we had to make a choice.
My DH doesn’t want to try again whereas I long to be pregnant and have another baby. Obviously there is no compromise and I want him to want it like I do. There is also a part of me that would be scared to be pregnant in case it happened again and getting older I feel like the risks are only going to be higher. That said, many are lucky and have healthy babies in their 40s.
I had a medical TFMR. If you have any questions I’m happy to help if I can.
Sending love and strength over the coming days xx

Hi @HazyDays81 thank you for replying. Its such a difficult decision isn't it, I think because I've read a few stories of positive outcomes, I've started to doubt myself. But we were given only a 10% chance of this.

My DH wasn't keen when we discovered I was pregnant but now he is devastated over this news and has said once recovered try again. My DD was actually IVF and we still have frozen embryos, we could potentially use. We just never thought we would have another so never went back, now I think faced with this loss we have realised how another would complete our family. I'd hope there would be less chance of age related abnormalities with those as DD is 8 now.

I'm also booked for medical TFMR. I take the first tablet Tuesday then back in on Thursday. Did you feel any different after the first tablet x

It is such a hard decision. We did a lot of research. Even now there is the thought of ‘what if’ as we didn’t know how severe it could be. Ultimately we did not feel it was fair on our other children or on our baby to potentially have to suffer.

If you have frozen embryos and financially are able to then this could certainly be an option for you in the future. That’s good your DH is on board to try again.

No I didn’t feel much different at all from taking the first tablet. A bit nauseous but I’d had that throughout the pregnancy and it may just have been the worry for what was to come.

xxx

Yes same here we have mainly thought about the impact it would have on our daughter. She doesn't know about the pregnancy so if we continued then had a miscarriage at a later date once showing, or even worse a still birth, we just couldnt knowingly put her through that.

Thank you for sharing your experience, it really is a comfort to speak to others who understand xx

Hi @Lulabella22 just wondered how you’re doing? Did you take the first tablet? I hope all goes as smoothly as possible for you x

Hi @HazyDays81 I go this morning, hospital had to change the days. So scared x

I’m so sorry, it is a truly awful time. Have you got plenty of support?

The morning I was due to go and take the first tablet I was all over the place. Doubts crept in if we were doing the right thing. Deep down I knew we were but I was so scared of what was to come. I had to keep reminding myself we were doing it for the love of our baby so they didn’t have to suffer any pain. It is so very difficult when it is a much wanted baby.

You will get through this and come out of the other side. I’m here if you have any questions or want to chat x

@HazyDays81 hi, I am aware this is a very old post but how are you doing now? Have you managed to fall pregnant again? I had a TFMR in December last year and still not pregnant again.

Hi @Harrjenk

My husband did not want to try again after the TFMR and over time I have realised it is probably the sensible thing. In my heart I would still love another baby and that feeling hasn’t gone though it’s not as strong as it once was. I’ve been trying to focus my time on my 3 living children and also been having counselling to come to terms with the TFMR.

I’m so sorry to hear about your TFMR in December, I imagine this time of year is especially difficult. Do you have time on your side? I believe after a year of trying your can be referred for checks at the doctors.

Wishing you all the best x