I want a second child but my husband doesn’t.

[HonestButFair]

I feel really sad.

We’ve got an amazing, clever, beautiful 4 year old who I am so proud of. She just started school and she’s loving it. I am so grateful for her. We both adore her.

I have started to yearn for another child.

I wasn’t fussed about rushing into having another quickly after she was born. Now I’ve been feeling ready for a year and my husband has said no.

Naturally I’m like “oh so that’s it then, because you’ve said no that’s it?!”

I’ve tried to talk rationally. I’ve tried to be nice and explain my reasoning - I gave up my career to have my little one and that’s fine but I kinda expected we would just have more in the future because neither of us felt the need to have another baby quickly after the first!

He said the same but that too much time has passed now. He’s 9 years older than me and he’s talking about retiring early in about 5-6 years! I’m 35 & he’s 44. He says he doesn’t want to be an old dad. But he’s super fit, runs marathons and ultra marathons, he’s always been super fit but he just doesn’t want anymore children.

I’m finding this so hard to accept.

Do I just give in and compromise?

Should I try again and again to talk to him?

I love him so much and I know he loves me. We have such a happy life together and he’s worried a baby will disrupt that. We get on so well, he’s my best friend and he’s said that it makes him sad that for the first time ever, we disagree. We both desperately want to agree but we can’t.

I work from home after being made redundant and I just feel so lost and empty. No career, my little ones at school. I feel so sad and lost. This is really unlike me.

I’ve been wondering about divorce. Not because I hate him and not because I want to have children with anyone else, I really do not want to have another child with someone else, it could only ever be him. But it makes me wonder, why am I with him?

We usually have sex regularly, every other day. And it’s always amazing. But I feel like I don’t want to.

We haven’t used contraception since our daughter was born and practice the natural method - I know when I ovulate and when I’m due on like clockwork. I could very easily trick him but I would never ever do that. It’s disrespectful and he trusts me implicitly. We’re so close but my want for another child or two is making me become distant this week.

I am very very grateful for my life, my house, my daughter, what we have, it’s brilliant. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want for more in the form if a child. I love being a mum and running my own business. We’re comfortable with money because we both save and work hard.

His reasons are valid to him. But they aren’t to me. And that’s really hard.

Any advice? Please be kind.

That's really rough. What had you previously agreed about the number of children you both wanted? And even though you felt like you didn't want a se one right away, did you talk about the time line, especially since he's older? I feel like there's been a huge communication breakdown here... at the end of the day the person who says no has the upper hand, but it seems very hard if he's never made clear to you that he only wanted one. However you may have to take some responsibility for not pinning him down on this issue much sooner. Good luck

Well “Naturally I’m like “oh so that’s it then, because you’ve said no that’s it?!”

Yes, pretty much, it’s that, or he changes your mind, or you leave him and have another child with someone else.

Choosing to conceive is something that needs both of you to want it, so if your husband doesn’t want to have a baby with you, then you need to respect that decision. His body, his choice.

I'm sorry you don't agree that's so hard. I've seen this work before where eventually one leaves as the need it too great and two cant agree. I've seen it where the one not wanting it gives in as they see it destroying the other person. I've seen it where the one wanting it gives in.

He is as reasonable as you are. I get your point I wanted two. However the age gap is getting larger meaning two kids with different need and wants. You could end up with a high needs baby for which your partner won't forgive you for pushing him into however much he loves them (harsh but possible) the scenarios are endless. He has to want it to or be happy to give in what he wants for you.

I'm your DH in this, in my own family. We have one amazing 5yo DC, and I do not want any more, life is perfect as it is. If my partner insisted on another, and I had another DC against my better judgement, it would make me very miserable and I really think would end in divorce.

We said this and also we're not using contraception... so we conceived our son , who is now in secondary school, and we love him to pieces. If you're not using contraception accidents do happen.x

Well if he doesn't want another child, he doesn't. And you do. There isn't a compromise, one person will get their way, by persuasion or otherwise, or not.

However what concerns me most is that you are using a natural family planning method, which is useful for spacing children, but is nowhere near 100% effective for actually preventing a pregnancy, however well you apply it. I assume that this is by mutual consent but does he understand how much less reliable it is than many other methods (and then some people use two methods together to be extra cautious)?

If he doesn't want more kids, and then your natural method fails, what is the fallout for your family going to be? It is his responsibility to understand the method and reliability that you are using, to have agreed it with you, and to use a male method himself if that doesn't work for him in terms of the statistics (or at the very least, agree (and not by coercion) that you are going to use something more reliable, if you are willing). (This leaves aside the fact that no contraception is perfect so any man having sex with a fertile woman must understand that there is a small-to-very-small risk a pregnancy may occur, but this is a larger risk at present.)

Tough situation op I feel for you. I don’t know what I would do in your situation, but agree with pp that your contraception method is likely to fail at some point. I thought your line about not wanting sex was poignant aswell. I totally understand why you feel like pulling away.. you feel he is pulling away from your family which I think he is a bit. How did your decision to have DC one come about? Was he keen then? If you did have a second, would you be prepared to do it alone if he walked away? Do you think his reasons are genuine- simply his leisure/lifestyle choices are preferable to him than a lifestyle with 2 DC? x

You are both right and these is no easy solution.

I wanted three kids as we could afford even 5 and my wife said, "ok, you have it." That shut me up.

It's a tough one OP.

Spacing maybe an issue. I have 2 children with a 2yo gap. Although we both knew we wanted 2, by the time they are 4 you are back at square one - that being said you won't have a toddler and baby to deal with!

You need him on board.

Either way one of you will end up being resentful.

He needs to use a condom then.

I would say the person who doesn't want a child trumps the one who does, so you need to decide if this is a dealbreaker for you and if you would be prepared to leave him for a mythical second child. Perhaps consider the positives of only having one rather than the negatives.

Having said that, if he's adamant, he really should be taking more of a lead on contraception. Is he refusing to have sex when he knows it's your time or is he just leaving it up to you? He should be considering a vasectomy if he's made up on his mind on this or at the very least wearing a condom.

Tell him that you will not be monitoring your cycles and put him in charge of contraception. If he doesn't want a baby, it's up to him to take the necessary precautions.

it is his decision. But I find it strange he’s happy to rely on a contraceptive method which can be unreliable-if he really didn’t want another one, surely he’d want to use a very reliable method. Perhaps worth pointing out to him)

He needs to think about how badly he really doesn't want another child! Why has he not had a vasectomy?
The method you are using has worked well so far but what will happen if and when it fails and you're pregnant with the child he doesn't want. Is he going to insist you have an abortion?

Please help! My DH and I have 2 children - 8 and 6. I fell pregnant (we were using withdrawal method but my DH decided one day not to withdraw, without my consent). I wanted the baby, he really did not. It ended in me terminating the pregnancy, alone, during Covid. I have regretted it since before i had even gone through with it but felt I had no choice. That was 3 years ago. I have tried pushing it to the back of my mind, thinking it through, and recently therapy with a specialist charity for abortion regret. Nothing has changed. I feel the only way to move forward for me is for us to have a third baby. As you can imagine my husband doesn’t want to. We are completely at an impasse. I don’t know if I can continue with this constant feeling of regret inside me - I don’t know how this will end up manifesting itself, but I’m fairly sure it will end our relationship eventually. My husband says he doesn’t have the patience for a third child, which I understand. I really don’t know where we go from here. Any advice?

You can't have a third baby with a man who doesn't want one. So your choices are:
Separate and try to have a third baby with someone else/sperm donor.
Or
Find a way to accept that you will not have a third baby. Try therapy to explore your past experiences and why you feel a third baby is so essential.