There has been so much going on for a while and I don't really have any friends in the reality. I just want let it out in my chest before i suffer from mental health issues. I beg your pardon for letting me to do so and bear with me for the long post that might flow without coherence and logic.
I just had my 36th B-day in Aug, and I basically decided to go on IVF with donor sperm to have a child on my own.
I have been wanting to be a mother since very young. I met my current husband (still married now) when I was 26, and he is A LOT older than me (thinking more than 10 years age gap). He was never married before and never had children. We have been together since then but only got married two years ago when I was 34. I asked him many times if he wants to have kids as I am certain that I do, and obviously that is something either you do or you don't and would affect the direction where the relationship goes. He always said yes, but there was never any concrete planning. Each time I touched this topic, he just changed the subject. Another issue (well a quite big one) is that he has had extremely low sex drive. For more than six years, we have not had any sex. He was always unhappy about his job and indicated that he was under a lot stress. Every night he just past his time in front of his computer until 2-3 a.m and fell asleep. We had gone holidays several times where things supposed to be relaxing and nothing happened either. There was no sex in the wedding night as well. I have never spoken this to ANYONE including my dear mum, which in the hindersight it was a huge mistake.
So after we got married two years ago, I needed to study for my degree (which was my dream and I worked very hard to apply for it)and I moved to the U.K alone. He told me that he would come in three months but instead he "needed more time for his work" (like always) and he came here after seven months. That seven months I spent alone made me realized how unhappy I were before and how actually relieved I am to be without him. For a start, he was really messy and I did 100% cleaning before. So now I only got to take care myself instead of both us. Regarding the sexless situation, I, for the first time, revealed this to some of my friends and my mom and they were all shocked. I am actually shocked to see people's reaction. I also did a smear routine test and the nurse was also shocked at it (she asked me when was the last time that I had sex because the test was so painful for me). After that test, I felt absolutely horrible so I called him saying that i was not happy about the lack of the sex, and his reaction was that I obviously should not bring this tough topic up before he had an important working call, so he hung up on me. One month later, he came to the U.K. (For a bit background, he is from an EU country originally but we lived in another country before), and I came forth with him about all our problems. I was very anxious too as I was approaching the 35 mark and desparately wanting to have the child that I wanted for a long time. Long story short, he was not happy about me confronting him about all these issues, and he said that "a child should be consequence of a good relationship" and indicating that I am at fault for not building a good relationship with him now becasue I argued with him all the time. He "wants to have a child with someone loves him". It is a valid point but it just sounds excuse for me because I have spent 10 years with him and I supported him in every single way. I was not happy at all about lack of sex but still I never brought it up with him. And now I want to have the kid that he always said he wanted to have and suddenly I "dont love him" anymore. I felt so bad just writing all these down. I am so sorry for the negativity, and I can sense it myself.
Anyway, we argued A LOT on this matter. What I think is that he suffered low sex drive and refused to acknowledge to it. What I found unfair is that it is utterly selfish. But I was at a sort of "panic" mental state where I thought he was my last chance to have a child. Because I have been with him for so long, and I literally felt I dont know how to be with another man, and if we don't have a kid together it would be a shame. I felt I stuck in this situation. After a while, I just felt I could not go on like this for the rest of my life so I wanted to have a divorce. But for technical reasons, a divorce is of trouble and time/energy-consuming right now. Meanwhile, we have been separated (shortly after he came to the U.K, we argued everyday and he went back to his EU country). During this time, I used OLD and I got even more devastated. (I was taken advantage of and used for sex by a very bad man; he told me that he wanted a baby too but it was a lie; Then got ghosted a couple times too). I gave up the hope of meeting anyone serious/nice/suitable for starting a family. I just feel like I don't have the time and mental energy to deal with it (my study is very intensive too, it involves long placements in the hospital too). All in all, I decided to have a child on my own. Because I just had enough to crying myself at night and felt so anxious that my biological clock is ticking. By the way, my "husband" also said something like, if we were going to have a child, he would feel that he is trapped. Because if I continues to complain at him regarding the sex life, messy, etc, he would be misearble/unhappy and cannot leave because of the child, and he will need to pay for the kid if he does leave. He also said that we don't have a kid because of MY FAULT (that I don't respect him and don't welcome him when he came here)
I am a very flexible and easy-going person. I never gave him any headaches. I do everything for him and all i wanted is a kid. Oh, and I shall mention that he didn't get me a ring when we married. (He bought a stone from an acquintance of him and said we could make a ring by ourselves but he just never do. For me, it should be something done BEFORE we married.) The arguement we had was so horrible, and I thought it would be a disaster if we do have a kid and that the kid has to witness it. I just have years of disappointments/resents/unhappiness accumulated in me, and I am not proud of myself at my behavior during the arguements. I almost felt that he made me a mad and crazy woman. I would send him 20 messages saying all my feelings along the years at 6 a.m! And when he said that it is my fault that we don't have a kid, it made me go hysterial in every senses.
Finally got to the point.
I have made the inital appointment of an ovarian assessment and consultation. I went to do the scan alone. The staff of the clinic is not friendly and nice at all. I felt all they wanted is to take my money. (it is in Glasgow). The reception didn't even look at me and say bye to me when I left. I think I have sort of mental trama from what's been going on with my husband and the OLD together. (the guy from OLD is really unbelivable and I need another post to tell this story), and I could not see my family/mum for two years due to some reasons. I just felt so alone. I am quite tough in general, but I just for the first time of my life felt vulnerable on that day of the scan. So the attitude of the clinic staff really mattered to me if it makes sense. I just want to have some supportive and understanding smile at me. The scan itself was quite uncomfortable for me. I felt scared. Scared of the result. What if I am already too old (to be specific, my ovary) to have a kid.Scared that I might never to be a mother. I don't worry to be a single mum at all. I know for a fact that I am going to be fine. I will probably have a good job after I graduate and I am physically very fit and mentally sound enough to raise a kid on my own. On top of that it was something that I really want. But I just got scared that this might never happen to me. After the scan, it took me two days to feel a bit better. I felt the bladder is tender / sensitive after it and just tramatized. This got me worried at the future treatment too. I just don't know if I can pull it through. Now I am thinking to change a clinic. Or am I just being silly. Afer all, I have done the assessment with them, and even they don't be friendly why should it matter? Maybe I should stick with them and it is less a fuss. I am just so at lost.