Feeling completely hopeless

[1990s]

I am 38, been trying for a year and a half, one TFMR in April.

I'm just gutted all the time. It would be easier in a way if I knew it was never going to happen. I feel like I've done this to myself by leaving it too late.

Any words of wisdom?

@1990s you're not late; please take comfort in knowing that the data about fertility over 35 comes from - it's centuries old, so you're still very much in time to conceive. If you can do a bit of research on the topic so you can see for yourself :)
The fact you've conceived once means there are no issues, but in any case, have you sought help? Sorry if this is a silly question

Thank you for your reply @NatGee . I’ve heard and looked into the stats thing before, and I get what you’re saying.

I have had the initial tests and all seemed fine, and as you say it almost worked out once, I just can’t figure out why it isn’t working out now!

I was in your shoes once and finally managed to have my daughter when I was 42 after 4 years and 7 miscarriages.

What worked for me? It Starts with the Egg book and timed medicated monitored cycles. If I had my time over again I’d have gone straight to those. You know you can get pregnant so that’s half the battle.

Thank you @Pollywoddles I have the book and just ordered all the supplements yesterday.

I will look up time medicated monitored cycles.

@1990s this waiting game is so difficult to endure. Are there hobbies you can take up or revisit to take your mind off it? There is so much enjoyment to be had outside of becoming a parent. And there needs to be because our children don't stay with us forever.
By the way I turn 39 in March and sometimes I too think its too late or whether something isn't right. I fell in my teens but terminated so that plays on my mind but we can't change the past and have to move forward.
One thing we've done as a couple, if you don't mind my sharing, is to have a plan b and c just in case. It helps to stave off that feeling that this is the be all and end all. Here to talk if you need to. Big hug

@Pollywoddles heard of that book before need to get it

Just wanted to send you some good luck! I ordered a few extra clearblue sticks for the ovulation test once because I was a few short and there were some on eBay for sale. The girl had written good luck on the box and that was the cycle I conceived my little boy. A little bit of good luck goes a long way ☺️✨

Egg quality declines in your 30s, this isn't "centuries old research", it is very much current and based on evidence.

Fertility, like many other things decline as we age but not by as much as we perceive. I was not specific about egg quality. The stat that a third of women aged 35 to 39 will spend a year or more struggling and failing to conceive originated from data collected in France over 300 hundred years ago. A study of 770 women recorded that, when having sex twice a week or more, 78% of women aged 35 to 40 conceived within a year. Comparatively, women aged 20 to 34, had a success rate of 84%. This @zonky is what recent studies show.

I could also point to another study which analysed a group of women undergoing IVF. The amount of time it took the women aged 35-40 to conceive was one extra month/cycle compared to the 26-34 group. And these are women with fertility issues.

I am sure there is a lot more data and anecdotal evidence from which us ladies in our late 30s can draw comfort and encouragement and not feel like we're irretrievably out of time.

I offered an alternative viewpoint and invited the OP to do her reaearch, you should too before believing everything you hear.

@NatGee Are these clinical pregnancy or live birth figures?

Very good question, there is a huge difference in the way data is presented. Egg quality is still something that isn't explained well to patients and what causes miscarriages.

@1990s

If you’re looking up timed cycles I believe it’s called TSI/Ovulation induction at most clinics.

In my case it involved taking a drug like Letrozole so I’d develop usually two eggs. I had no issues with ovulation anyway but this was to give us a better chance. Then I was scanned at day 9-12 to see how things were developing and then depending on the size of the follicle I was advised when to take the trigger injection. Then intercourse was planned for 12, 24 and 36 hours after the trigger.

I got pregnant 5 out of our 7 cycles. At least one of those ended due to egg quality (positive trisomy after ERPC), the others most likely egg quality and lining issues. Finally conceived our little one 7 months after starting treatment.

That’s interesting @Pollywoddles . What was the thinking about how long it would take you to ovulate after the trigger shot?

@Pollywoddles please can I jump in and ask about this? I also ovulate naturally but slightly irregularly as my cycles range from 26-34 days. I started letrozole and it hasn’t gone well. I didn’t respond to 2.5mg, I had 4 scans, no dominant follicles and ended up have a 50 day cycle. I have increased my dose to 5mg but I didn’t want to pay another £500 for scans because I didn’t feel they told me anything my body didn’t, I knew I hadn’t ovulated last cycle, I had no ovulation symptoms and sure enough that’s what the scans showed too. I feel in the same boat on 5mg though, I’m CD12 and I don’t feel ovulation is looming at all. Worried it’s going to have the same outcome. Did you have any issues getting the dosage right? I don’t know how long to give it if it doesn’t work this time. I’m 35 and this is my third pregnancy. Started TTC when my second was 18 months old and it just hasn’t happened. All unexplained (apart from the good old age of course), but I was 34 when we started TTC so I don’t think really I was too old!

@Oblah When you take a trigger shot you’ll ovulate in the next 36-40 hours. The plan is to have sperm ready and waiting for when the egg releases.

@Hoping43 I was put on 10mg from the get go but that might have been due to my age (41/42). I had no issues producing 1 or 2 eggs a month on that.

If I were you I’d be looking for a second opinion.

@Hoping43 Has your partner had a sperm analysis done?

@Pollywoddles yes he has. Everything has come back normal for us both. We’ve been trying for 18 months now. It’s all just so weird considering we have two already.

so I went through the NHS and they said no to letrozole, said it wouldn’t benefit me as I was already ovulating. So went private and obviously it’s all gone wrong. I don’t want to keep throwing money at letrozole because I think we will need it for ivf 😕

@1990s I'm sorry you're struggling. 36yo here and have had 2 miscarriages since TTC my first one. Had a pretty difficult time after the second one, sent me into severe anxiety for nearly half a year. Pregnant again, 14 weeks and fingers crossed all okay so far. I don't have any advice on how to not let it dominate your life as totally get the age factor and the waiting game is devastating. There is always hope though. Just wanted to send you a hug x

Thank you @Pollywoddles for the extra info.

Thank you so much @SiberFox for your kind words and story, it really does help to hear. Running out of hope and it adds a little back.

@1990s just wanted to reach out to offer some support. Sorry to hear you are having a difficult time, I was 38 when we conceived our first DD, she is 17 months now. I am now 40 and 17 weeks pregnant with our second. I chose to wait and have children later due to my career and a previous unhappy marriage. There are lots of successful stories on here of older Mums, stay strong. Wishing you lots of luck.

@Starry77 thanks so much for your story, it gives me hope. I'm 39 and have had two missed miscarriages at 10/11 weeks in the past 8 months. I'm 39 but didn't meet the man I wanted to have children with until I was 36 (and had a big career change at 31) but he wasn't ready until I was 38. Terrified I've lost my chance but we have to hope don't we?

I feel the same Presently and also thank you @Starry77 . Very story gives me back a bit of hope. I just wish I knew what was going to happen.