Please answer - Struggling with TTC mentally - taking over my life

[TTCourfirst]

Hey!

We started TTC our first child at the start of this year. We fell pregnant first month and lost that pregnancy (twins) at 8 and 9 weeks. Since 5 weeks I was in and out of hospital appointments and scans because I had bleeding. It was extremely stressful and heartbreaking - we married less than 3 weeks after losing the twins and as glad as we are that we had an amazing wedding day, our honeymoon was ruined and newly wed life has been filled with grief rather than happiness.

Not only was the loss devastating - I had two failed medical management attempts, two haemorrhages with hospital stays and retained tissue 3 months after my loss (I felt like I was about to give birth in the toilets at my work place - ended up losing retained placenta that they couldn’t see on the scans). 2 close friends are pregnant and 1 is due their baby the same day our twins were due.

We have recently started ttc 3 months ago with no luck yet (I know it is normal to take up to 12 months) but mentally everything is taking its toll. I’ve become obsessed with taking pregnancy tests from as soon as 4dpo and spending lots of money on frer’s. Mentally all I think about is my loss and getting pregnant again, I am sad most days and have become distant from pregnant friends

I’m not really sure what my question is - just need support really

Aww honey. The trying to conceive journey can be very tough. I am so sorry to hear about your loss, and what you went through that's never easy. Try to stay strong and take care of yourself (I know it's easier said than done). Sending your the best of wishes for your next cycle xx

@TTCourfirst sorry for your loss. You've been through an incredibly tough time!

I had a mmc in 2019 and it took 8 more cycles to fall pregnant again, with my now almost 2 year old. In between, I was struggling with my mental health so I sought counselling which really helped.

@Chanel05 thank you. I’m sorry for your loss too

I have pregnancy loss councelling every month (was having sessions weekly, moved them to every 3/4 weeks now)

How did you try and stay positive them months? Did you ever have worries that you won’t be able to conceive? Did you early test? I know it’s unhealthy that I keep taking tests early

Hey @TTCourfirst

i had a miscarriage 12 weeks before our wedding, a shock pregnancy as we had been told it was unlikely I would conceive naturally!

i conceived my now 3yo, 3 months after the miscarriage.

I’ve since had 2 more miscarriages (we use my cycle to plan sex so surprise pregnancies but would’ve been fine). We’ve just committed to actively trying for our 2nd and I’m terrified.

i think you should go back to counselling weekly. Can you take up anything like swimming and really spend time focussing on you?

it’s an awful thing TTC for a lot of people but you really need to find ways of occupying yourself and your brain.

sending hugs 💕

I just wanted you to know you aren't alone ❤️ I had a miscarriage in May and TTC #1 since March. It's had a huge impact on my MH and I am a bloody psychologist. My DMs are open if you want to chat. It's such a bloody hard journey. X

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you must be going through.

We have been trying over 2 and a half years and I've never been pregnant so just want you to know you're not alone. I have gone through every emotion possible and will be starting IVF in the next 2 months after waiting over 18 months for the nhs referral, having been diagnosed with unexplained fertility.

I can't offer much to make you feel better but I guess the only thing that keeps me going is trying our hardest every month (testing for ovulation and having sex in my most fertile time) trying new things like running, giving up caffeine, eating healthy (or trying lol) and acupuncture... and the hope that one day it will happen.

Never give up hope. Some people just take longer than others, but what is meant will come for you in the end xx

@bathbombaholic I am so sorry to hear how long you have been TTC. I can’t even begin to imagine how hard it has been and is for you. I agree with never giving up hope so much.

How do you cope with not letting cycles take over your life? I feel like I’ve been numb and walking around like a ghost for the last 6 or so months. It’s almost like I am not happy or can’t be happy about anything because all that’s on my mind is trying to conceive. I’m not sure how to write this without sounding odd but how do you live your life whilst struggling with ttc? I almost feel like since losing the twins I no longer live and feel like once I conceive I’ll suddenly be myself again

@TTCourfirst sending you love ❤️ I have not been able to stop thinking about ttc since my mmc, it really does take over your life as much as you try not to 😢 x

@TTCourfirst what you've been through is unimaginably traumatic - I'm not surprised you find yourself completely engulfed by ttc. I agree with previous posters to consider counselling and also recommend Trying to get Pregnant and Succeeding by Marisa Peer. It's a lot more about feeling emotionally ready to try again rather than medical stuff. I hope things start feeling better for you and you get your BFP.

Thank you
Sorry for your loss too
It really does take over doesn’t it xx

Thank you. I have wondered at times if I’m not mentally ready to ttc again which is why I’m finding it hard. I’ve considered taking a break but then I feel guilty that I’m “wasting” time when I could be having a baby sooner :( it’s so hard

Huge hugs. It's so hard.

Don't beat yourself up about taking tests and FRERs. It's a common coping mechanism to want to have and element of control after the uncertainty of a challenging early pregnancy and subsequent devastating loss.

I would consider going back to weekly counselling and possibly meditation to try and help bring you back to the present when the anxiety and overwhelming feelings kick in.

I hope things all work out for you. xxxx

@TTCourfirst it's not easy I'll be honest- I have months where I'm in a pit and I feel like no one understands me. It's a bit like Groundhog Day- period starts, you're upset/ angry/ frustrated/ devastated. Then you gotta wait til you can get, then you do everything in your power to make it happen, spent the TWW on egg shells looking for any symptom and then back to the beginning when period comes. It's exhausting.

I absolutely understand what you mean about it taking over. It's ok my mind every waking hour and some sleeping ones too as I very often dream about it.

I try and be kind to myself- this is by no means MY fault. Just like it isn't yours either. My "period treat" is a Starbucks hot choc when it's cold or frappe if it's warmer. I'll mope around for a few days and not allow myself to feel guilty bout not doing the housework or making a healthy dinner. If I have an event on in that month for example a wedding, I'll tell myself "oh at least I can have a few drinks at the wedding!" Obviously I would rather be pregnant a million times over than drink at a sodding wedding but anything positive in such a dark time I will claw in.

Much like you- I always say to my partner "if I could just be pregnant, I would be the happiest girl in the world, I could just be myself again!" In reality I expect the worry and anxiety would change to "please stick, please be healthy etc etc"- it's all relative isn't it!

I'm so sorry your part of this "club"- the one no one wants to or expects to join. I think you have the added loss to contend with as well, which I can't even comprehend. I'm pleased you're getting counselling with that and if you feel you need more do it as it's very important.

I am also on anti depressants which literally keep my head above water. I dread to think where I would be if I didn't take them- not saying you should as everyone is different I couldn't get out of bed or stop crying prior to taking them. Now I can function albeit some days not very well.

Lots of love to you and sorry for the essay xx

If you’re on Instagram I’d recommend following a couple of baby loss / fertility accounts as well as all the other great suggestions other posters have made. The Worst Girl Gang Ever is a good one to start with and they also do podcasts that I’ve personally found really helpful. They have a Facebook group to help make connections with others who are in the same situation and can offer support.

@TTCourfirst in all honesty, I didn't feel positive at all, just completely hopeless. I was SO terrified that I wasn't going to conceive by the original due date and I didn't. Nothing happened, it was a complete non event and the next cycle I conceived.

By month 6 I had private fertility tests which were a complete waste of time because I knew I'd already been able to conceive, it was just simple desperation. Tests showed that we both had excellent fertility and it is just pot luck when we would conceive.

I'm now 23 weeks with baby number 2 and this pregnancy took 7 months to conceive, though I have been much more relaxed this time. I always tested from 9dpo regardless because the three times I've been pregnant I've had a bfp then. For me, I knew whether I was out or not at that point so could try to mentally prepare myself for the next cycle.

@TTCourfirst of course - I am really running out of time so taking a break doesn't feel like a positive option does it. This book or I'm sure there are similar things on the internet essentially makes you shift your mindset to one where you're not hoping or trying - you believe you absolutely will have a healthy full term baby by using positive affirmations, by releasing blocks (things like believing history will just repeat itself etc.). It encourages you to do a lot visualisations too - e.g. of your healthy, fertile womb etc. For those that are sceptical, I guess I'd say that positive thinking everyday isn't going to do any harm. I'm just working through some of the exercises myself atm and am happy for anything that supports me.

@bathbombaholic your description of Groundhog Day is literally my life. So hard not to feel like that isn't it.

@TTCourfirst hey 👋 I'm so sorry for your loss.
I've had two miscarriages since May. We've conceived both times we've tried and both times miscarried at 5/6 weeks.

I have an 18 month old little boy who is absolutely amazing and we had no trouble conceiving him. No idea what's going on this time around.

I didn't know how hard it was to try and have a baby. Like you it consumes my every waking thought. I expected as I already have a baby that I'd be relaxed about it but I'm not at all and now I just feel like the most rubbish mum ever. I'm so scared I'll ever have a sibling for my son!

I'm so sorry you are going through this but you are not alone.

I've found taking up running again to be brilliant for my physical and mental health. Also like others have said, going for drinks, enjoying not being pregnant etc etc really helps. It will happen one day I promise x x

So sorry that happened to you ☹️ That’s so hard to deal with. I found it hard enough just ttc and looking back I actually had quite an easy time but it just felt like it took over my life at the time. I was so desperate for it to be positive every month, I can’t think how much I must have spent on tests and ovulation tests/monitors, pre-seed etc. It was ALL I thought about and I didn’t tell a soul so felt like I was leading this double life. It really opened my eyes to how many people must have felt like this around me before and I’ve never known, especially those who have had miscarriages added into it along the way 😞

At work one day we were talking about the flu jab and how they were in short supply. A girl who had recently had a baby piped up ‘just get pregnant and they give you it automatically HAHA’.. I physically couldn’t force a fake laugh. I just thought to myself ‘I’m fucking trying!!’ But it fully opened my eyes to the comments that are made without thinking by so many people. I’ve recently returned to work after having my baby, took quite a while off on mat leave and now thinking of trying again. I’ve had so many comments about ‘the next one’ and will I try again etc. How do people know I’m not absolutely devastated to have just lost a baby last week or something?! It’s so thoughtless 🙄 People are so nosey! My MIL has been making comments too about ‘the second’. What if we just wanted one? At no point have we mentioned a second to anyone 🤔 Sorry this has gone off on a tangent but it just reminded me of that whole period in my life where I just wanted everything else to freeze until I could be pregnant