Should I tell new boyfriend about abortion I had 12 years ago?

[beaniesteve]

I have been with my new bloke for over a year after getting out of a long relationship. We want kids and are trying.

He has got someone pregnant before who went on to have an abortion. He only found out that she'd been pregnant after she'd had the abortion and after they split up. She told him during an argument. I have no idea if she was lying but he tells me he was really upset.

I got pregnant in 1996 after a double contraceptive failure (split condom and then the morning after pill failed me) and had an abortion at about 8 weeks. It was a decesion me and my then boyfriend made together and I have never had any regrets about my choice.

My boyfriend is always saying that he knows he is fertile because he got someone pregnant once, my opinion is that he knew he was fertile then but that doesn't mean he is now. Every time he talks about it I want to tell him about the fact that I have been pregnant before but I always feel like just blurting it out would be clumsy.

What do you think? How can I tell him? It was such a long time ago, I don't want to upset him, nor do I want loads of questions.

If its playing on your mind that much maybe you should. I'm sure he would be understanding, as you say it was a long time ago. Also, you may have to mention it to midwife when you do get pregnant as they take details of your history? Honesty may be best policy in this situation. He sounds like a lovely guy, next time the topic of children come up just tell him. Explain that you didnt mention it before as you didnt know how to approach it.

I am in two minds about this.

I wouldn't tell him as in tit for tat, I am fertile too you know (are you TTC?).

He doesn't have any real right to know, or to get upset as it wasn't his child and it was before you met each other. However, if you are serious and you think it may cause a problem down the one, tell him.

I cant actually see any reason or benefit in telling him TBH. It happened 12 years ago - basically another lifetime and isnt relevant to the relationship you have now.

He was not involved in your abortion, so is hardly likely to be upset as he was when his ex gf had one, is he?

It's completely up to you whether you want to tell him - I don't think there is an obligation, and i think Nab is right to say don't do it 'tit for tat'.

But - when you do get pg tgether, the mw will ask, and put it on your record, that you have had a previous pg. In the booking in visit wouldn't be the best place to hear it, if you are planning on having him involved in your ante-natal visits etc. Even if he doesn't come with you, pg women are often given thier own notes to take from appt to appt - so it will be lying arund - you don't want to have to be secretive.

imo it should be no big deal to tell him - not a big enough deal to hide - but it is 100% up to you.

Good luck with TTC!

See, I'm thinking it may be relevant to our future in that if I get pregnant (or even if I have difficulty) it may come up during any medical stuff we both attend.

I would never ever say anything as a tit-for-tat thing though.

I guess that lately I am getting the impression from him that maybe the fact I haven't conceived yet is something to do with my age or is my problem. Today when I told him about a trip to see the doctor which resulted in the doc arranging for me to have swabs and scans he said 'well that's good, then we'll know if it's you or me' which I thought was a bit premature seeing as we've only been trying since October!

Anyway - I guess I just think I should be honest about my past. We have talked about abortion (as a discussion topic) in the past, and we have talked about his experience with his ex too.

Am starting to think there is no right time and infact maybe the time has passed and I should just not say anything.

You will have to tell your MW you have had a termination so it is best you talk about it now.

Hmmm. Tbh it sounds to me as if your bf is slightly desperate to prove a point. If you?ve only been ttc since October, then you?re not even close to the point of needing to know whether it?s ?you or me?, so on that score your bf needs to relax somewhat IMO. As an aside, I have a 5 year old ds and 2.5 years later we started ttc and my dh has been told he has a low sperm count, so just because your bf has been able to get one woman pregnant 12 years ago doesn?t mean anything ? anything can change, and it only takes one sperm.

As to whether you tell him about the abortion, that?s a decision only you can make. How does he feel about abortion in general? Is it something that may impact on how he feels about you/the relationship? If you feel you want to tell him then that?s your decision, but if you feel it?s in the past and you don?t really want him to know then that should be your decision also, it?s not exactly something you can bring up in casual conversation, and as you didn?t tell him at the time he told you of his previous gf?s abortion it will be difficult to bring up without him wondering why you didn?t tell him before.

Ah - thanks for that, perhaps I will wait and see what happens at my scan/swabs thing and then discuss it with him.

thanks everyone.

Out of interest, what sort of questions is the midwife likely to ask, and why?

Hi there,
the midwife at our first visit asked us to fill in a booking in form - medical history - any worries - previous pregnancies.

I had a termination 20 years ago and felt that I wanted Dh to know before I told the midwife, so one night with a glass of wine in hand I mentioned that the midwife was going to ask about previous pregnancies and I was going to have to tell her that I had previously been pregnant - he was shocked - I said I would answer any questions he had - he said he didn't have any. Then later he asked me if it would effect this pregnancy and I just said that I hope not (I really thought it might but didn't know) That was it - over and done with. really glad I told him.

However in your situation I would wait until you feel you have to tell him ie you are pregnant and wouldn't want him to find out any other way.

Good luck

This is a difficult one, it is hard to know. Personally I would want to tell my DH, partly because I just couldn't keep quiet and partly because he is the person I share everything with and I know I could discuss it with him. But not everyone has a DP/H who can/would understand.

In a sense it is none of his business so you don't have to tell him, so if you don't think he would handle the situation well, then you may feel it is best to let it be and not tell him. Abortion does funny things to people, some people are really anti, so it can be a hard situation. However, if you dont tell him, these things do have a nasty habit of being found out, particularly when ttc, and it may seem as if you were hiding it from him so making it even worse if/when he finds out.

Regarding his fertility and ttc he does need to remember that he is now quite a few years older so his fertility may not be the same as he has aged and/or lifestyle has changed. Also you don't say how long you have been ttc but it can take a normal healthy couple with no problems a lot longer to conceive than people think, a year is quite normal and it can take 2, I often think Men in particular dont realise this! Plus, blaming one party for ttc taking a while is really not helpful.

To sum up my rather long post! I think it may be worth telling the truth in a calm discussion if you think he can handle it. The worst thing would be for him to find out evenually in an argument or at the gps if you needed fertitly treatment and for him to feel as if you have been hiding it from him. But at the end of the day you know him better than anyone here, so it has to be your call.

thing is - I do share everything with my boyfriend, but it's more everything we do together or everythig in my new life with him.
I left my previous partner to be with him, he knows I was unhappy, he also knows I really want children. I guess I am not so sure of his stance on abortion to know if he would judge me for it.

I will tell him, probably if we get pregnant, but I barely think about it, I have no worries about what I did back then, so I wouldn't welcome him wanting to know all the details ....

something to think about I guess.

I think if this was me and my DH I would certainly tell him.

Only because - there is no reason why not to IYSWIM. You've had no regrets, which is great, but I guess it's still an event in your life that was significant in some way. And you know that as others have said here, if you do get pregnant the fact that you have had a previous pregnancy will be recorded and I think although they probably COULD provide discretion for you, if requested, it would be easier all round if you are open with your partner about it.

I would have thought as well that your partner is best placed to support you if he knows all the facts. Who knows what feelings you MAY experience with the next pregnancy and a baby? I know some women feel that when they have a baby, they can some feelings about it....your DP won't be able to support you if he doesn't know.

I also think if he's your 'new' bloke and you're not sure of his stance on issues like abortion, maybe you could give it some more time before you do have kids together, but that's just what I would do personally! Not judging you for it.

When I say new bloke We have known eachother for almost 3 years now, but only been together as a couple for a year.

He's only my second significant relationship, and after being with someone for 12 years it all feels a bit 'new'.

I think you're all right and I should tell him sooner rather than later, but how!?

will think some more

I'll let you off then beanie .

I think honesty is all. Just sit him down and let him know that this happened to you - I think you need to start by saying that the reason you're telling him is that he is so special and you feel you can trust him - that you don't find it easy to talk about.

I think that way IF he was feeling "why didn't she tell me before?" then you kind of stop that in it's tracks; he knows that it is a big thing for you to tell him and that you're putting your trust in him.

Good luck!

Ooo its difficult. If you think you will end up telling him, the sooner you do the easier it will be. If I was doing it I would cook a nice meal, eat at the table not in front of the TV, have some wine, get him in a relaxed mood and then say "I have something I would like to talk to you about. I have been wanting to discuss this for a while but I have not been sure how, but I feel that the time has come when I want to be completely honest and open with you." and start from there. Its hard but if you want to share it, its just better to get it out there, otherwise it will eat away at you.

Plus your abortion was completely different to his ex's. You were much younger and you both agreed to it, thats very very different to someone doing it behind back.

Mind you, its easier for me to say all that, then for you to do it!

I wouldn't tell him.

The past is just that, the past.

agree with you playing, that the sooner the better IF you want to tell him (your choice, despite us bossing you about on-line!) but the only thing I would say is NOT to say 'the time has come for me to be honest' etc, as it is possible I think that might make him feel 'oh she's been lying about something'. And that's not what this is. This is something that happened, something very personal and intimate - it's about this being the time to share, rather than time to be honest. It wouldn't be DISHONEST if he were never told, IYSWIM.

don't tell him.

it's a private matter,
it's in your past,
it has no bearing on your now and your future
it has no bearing on whether or not you get pg now...(how can anyone prove it??)

and if his ego is already slightly dented by the fact that you're not yet pg, I can't really see that telling him about an abortion 12 years ago is going to improve matters...

Haven't read the thread so apologies if I am repeating what has been said already

Your bf has every right to be upset about his ex's termination given that he wasn't told at the time but was told later in such an ugly fashion. Of course it was her choice ultimately but imo he ought to have been told at the time. To my mind, it doesn't necessarlily follow that he would be angry about yours - after all it was before you met and had nothing to do with him.

I would tell him, especially if you are trying for children yourselves.

Thank you all
I have at points felt comfortable enough to tell him, but then backed out. I feel like I am now making it a really big deal when it really isn't.

next time I get a chance I will tell him

might wait until after I've had my check-up this week though.

You need to tell him in quite a matter of fact way, I think. Don't give him reason to think he can get snotty about it. If you are apprehensive about telling him it will sound like you have something to hide, or you were going to hide it from him, and then he may get a bit annoyed.