Infertility and friendships

[Mozzie123]

Hi all,
Im going on 12+ months of ttc.. 1 CP and one ruptured ectopic. We are starting the IVF process soon and all tests have come back that we are all fit healthy and can’t see any reason why we aren’t conceiving.

All my long time friends have children, and most are currently pregnant or have just given birth to their second. I’m the only childless one in the bunch. I feel really upset as out of the 8 friends only 2 have ever reached out to check in with me (one who has dealt with infertility too). Im completely aware that they are living their own lives, and have their own stressors etc.

I guess through this process I’m starting to reflect on my friendships and re-evaluate things, I’ve always felt on the outer (I know most of them catch up with each other without me, both socially and for kids activities) and this has always been the case. I know I’ve played a part in this too, and fully accept I haven’t always been the best in reaching out and checking in on others. I guess I feel at a bit of a cross roads now and not sure if I need to take a step back or put up the pretence that everything is fine and try and be better myself at reaching out.. despite the current lack of reciprocation.

Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this? Everything I read talks about putting your mental health first, but if I take the step back I feel like I’ll be going down a dark hole I won’t be able to pull myself out of. Help!

So sorry you’re going trough this op. It must be very lonely. Have a handhold from me 💐.

Regarding your friendships, sometimes we become aware that certain people no longer fit in our lives when they can’t/don’t support us in the way we need them to during hard times. If you’re feeling brave enough, you can tell them how you feel and see how they react. A more indirect approach would be to just let the initiative to get in touch with them and see if they approach you if you haven’t reached out in a while. Best of luck.

Thank you! I go between wanting to step away to then thinking.. well.. these are the only ‘close’ friends I have and if I do eventually get pregnant I’d love their support.

It sounds like you still want these friends in your life, it’s just that you feel unsupported right now so I don’t think you need to do anything other than look at the situation differently.

You say you haven’t been the best at reaching out to them, but you’re disappointed that only two of them have reached out to you.

Be honest with yourself, how many times did you get in touch with all of them during their pregnancies or while they had small babies? What are you doing to be helpful to the ones that have now got a toddler and a baby? Do you think you’re being fair in your expectations considering what you have done for them?

If you can say that you really have made a big effort during their pregnancies and newborn days, then it’s understandable that you’re disappointed that they haven’t been asking how you are. But if they all have small babies their focus will just be elsewhere, it’s not personal.

I’ve always felt on the outer (I know most of them catch up with each other without me, both socially and for kids activities)

Does this mean you don't really see them one to one? Do you reach out to them to ask them to do things with you or do you wait for them to ask you?

I think that might be a key thing here and if you want to develop close friendships you do need to take initiative and ask them to meet up with you. It might be that they just don't feel that close to you and assume someone else is checking in because they are not the obvious person to do it?

I think in your position I would just ask one or two of them out for lunch or something and see how it goes - in that situation they may well start asking you about your life and the IVF. If you are only seeing each other in a whole group it might just not be the appropriate place?

I'm actually one of the few that would say don't close yourself off from friends. Friendships are about being there through the good times as well as bad. No one gets pregnant to deliberately hurt someone else. If you don't regularly check in with them you have no idea if they experienced loss or struggles to have the children they do? I did shut myself off during many losses and lots of IVF and my friendships and family relationships never really recovered. Infertility is lonely and isolating enough as it is x

Sorry you are going through this.

I get the impression that you aren’t individually close to them, is that correct? I say this because you mention you don’t tend to reach out to people or see them on your own? If so, it isn’t really surprising people haven’t reached out to you - it might not occur to them and they might be assuming that you have other people you talk to on an intimate basis.

If you want to build friendships start the process of reaching out to them.

You can drop some if you want, but friendship is a two way street whoever you’re trying to be friends with.