Fertility/pregnancy/birth jealousy

[SimplyComplex]

This is a strange one and I'm trying to sort out my thoughts around this. So I have 2 children who are 1 and 3. I didn't experience infertility but I had massive anxiety during the ttc months, 2 months for dc1 and 5 months for dc2. Not too long but I really struggled and both times told myself it wasn't happening straight away because there was something wrong.The stress was immense. I should mention that I do have anxiety and have done for a long while pre children. On meds, lots of therapy, etc.

I found both pregnancies extremely stressful, especially the second as I felt very ill and there were complications with me/baby along the way. Consequently, I hid away during my second pregnancy and didn't want many people knowing as I was scared it would go wrong.

The birth of dc1 was extremely long and traumatic resulting in me having forceps and a huge pph and blood transfusion. It was awful. Second birth was better but dc2 had to go into special care wgich was scary. I've also had pnd after both pregnancies.

So my experiences have been difficult.

What I've recently been experiencing is feelings of jealousy (which I hate feeling) and inadequacy over my friends pregnancies. Two of my friends, both aged 38, have got pregnant the first month of trying. This makes me feel inadequate and if we wanted to have a 3rd, I've already told myself I wouldn't be that lucky. I'm 35 and I already feel like my body won't be up to it, not as fertile in a few years.
Another friend has recently sailed through her pregnancy for no.3. And other friends seem to cope with the after birth bit so much better, out and about, not seeming to be effected by the physical after effects of birth. I feel a sense of jealousy for all these things but I feel really bad about it too because at the same time, I know I have two amazing children who I'm very grateful for. So I don't know what's going on with my mind? Can anyone relate or help me figure this out?

It's hard not to, but comparison is the thief of joy. I could say I'm quite jealous you got pregnant so quickly and haven't had any miscarriages.
Are you getting support for your anxiety? Might be worth finding someone to talk it through with.

What PP said comparison is the thief of joy! Also it might look like on the outside to you they have sailed through each part but they were more than likely feeling the same anxieties as you were. There is probs a lot they didn’t tell you about how they really felt, people usually only tell you the good bits of how they are feeling a lot of the time.

You had a hard experience and because the perception is that they had an easier one doesn’t make you inadequate. It nearly makes you stronger for putting yourself physically and emotionally through more than they have.

Easier said than done, but really try not to compare your experiences to others. They may have had comparatively easier pregnancies but, and this might not be a very nice thought, there might be other aspects in their lives that you wouldnt trade for. I know thinking this way helps me, as I myself am a naturally envious person and wish I were a bit less this way. Everyone is on their own path and we don't know the things kept hidden from us about their lives. Maybe plan something fun for you and the family to do, something to look forward to. Good luck wishing you all the best

Jesus Christ, you're complaining about absolutely nothing. Go and count your blessings ffs

@neshtastic that's not very nice. Birth trauma really affects women's mental health. What she has gone through is not easy to deal with. Until we are walking in some one else's shoes we should not judge

In the kindest way how do you know it's been easy for your friends?
They may have had miscarriages or taken longer and not told you as most people keeps thing private but share good news.

And secondly they're both still pregnant by the sounds of it, so will have their own births to deal with. You wouldn't be being a great friend if you started playing too trumps on who has had the worst time. That is never kind.

I think you sound a-bit self centred, you have two children, no you haven't had it easy but most people don't.

Try not to compare yourself to other people, everyone has problems and you have lots to be happy about.

You've got two healthy kids. This is honestly time to not hide behind anxiety and get a grip of yourself. I'm sorry. But it is.

Agree. I think you probably need some counselling as these are very irrational feelings. You have already had your kids a while now, to be envious of people this way isn't healthy.

I know my post must sound awful. I feel very blessed and grateful for my children. There's a lot I haven't shared in my post but I think I've gone through a lot in the last 4 years having my children and there's still ptsd from that going on. It could be that I'm feeling just generally low at the moment. My dc2 has recently turned one and I keep thinking back to a year ago and the pnd and pna I had. At my lowest, I sat in a doctors room last year absolutely distraught saying that I didn't know if I wanted to be here anymore whilst looking at my baby girl.

If anything, maybe my envy is that others I know don't appear to have the mental health problems I do in pregnancy and fenerslly, and I've got a lot of frustration with myself over that. I just wanted to feel better over ttc, pregnancy and after birth and I feel like I should have had a better grip. Why this is still effecting me, I don't know.

My perinatal mental health support has just ended too so that doesn't help.

@SimplyComplex I really sympathise. Birth trauma is real and if you can continue the support you've had so far, then I definitely would. Lots of hugs xxx

I've just read my posts back again and I sound like such a horrible, crazy person being envious of others over this. I don't understand why these emotions are coming up.

I do remember feeling like this after DC1 was born. I had a traumatic birth, struggled to breastfeed, my body was a mess and it took a long time for me to get to grips with motherhood. I used to look at slim, happy, energetic women making it all look so easy and talking about their unicorn and rainbows homebirths and how much they loved being a Mum and feel so angry and inadequate.

Time healed it for me, though. I had no problems conceiving and I had healthy children. There are so many people who can’t say the same. I took for granted how easily I conceived and then saw several friends going through IVF, failed IVF, adoption, stillbirth or coming to terms with never having children.

I realised how truly lucky I am.

It sounds like this might be part of your anxiety/depression. I hope you can get RL support to help with that .

I think you are being way too hard on yourself. You have had a difficult birth journey and that may be contributing to how you feel now, maybe go back to your gp and explain that you are still feeling very low. I'm sure as these are your friends you are genuinely happy for them and wouldn't want them to experience anything difficult, it doesn't make you a bad person. It seems like you have some unresolved trauma around your experiences which you need support with.

@SimplyComplex you don't sound like any of those things; unfortunately people are quick to judge. Thank you for expressing your feelings, there is nothing wrong with that xx

Hhmmmm. After years and years of IVF, multiple miscarriages, and an ectopic pregnancy I find your post rather difficult to read. Luckily I now have two beautiful children - but both of these births were also traumatic.
I don't want you to feel bad but you might want to think about how your thread might read to other people.
It sounds like you might have a bit of PTSD related to your births which you should address. But jealousy is a cruel emotion and it will eat you up unless you have a word with yourself.