My husband finds DTD a chore when TTC
HeyDuggeesFavouriteSquirrel · 02/08/2022 16:17
My husband is already fed up of TTC and we haven't even been trying that long!
We conceived my son spontaneously three years ago by surprise and because of this we'd never gone through the motions of TTC.
In January we decided to try for our second and I got pregnant straight away after only having sex once after a night out and a few drinks. At our eight week scan we discovered the baby hadn't been growing and it was deemed a missed miscarriage. The whole process of the miscarriage took five weeks which as you can imagine was rather draining and heartbreaking.
We couldn't start trying again until April and I used Clearblue sticks to find my fertile window. The same again in May. Both months we only had the chance to DTD once. June we took a break and then July felt much more relaxed, we were on holiday, I didn't track properly but I knew it was roughly the right time using apps and had sex a few times. I thought that would do the trick but it didn't.
So this month I bought Clear Blue fertility monitor and tracked diligently for ten days. On Friday I got my first high fertility day and insisted we DTD even though my husband was a bit begrudging. Sunday I organised a date night, we had a lovely night and it all felt fun and relaxed when we DTD again.
Yesterday I was really excited to see peak fertility on the monitor. We were both very tired but I still wanted to do it as I'd been so diligent in my tracking and I didn't want to miss the chance that month. My husband said it was all too forced and I 'wasn't making it nice'. I feel very frustrated because:
- Why do I have to be the one to make it nice? He could be the one being romantic etc.
- Is it really feasible to have romantic date nights every time we DTD especially aiming for the fertile window?
- I'm still quite heartbroken from the miscarriage and I don't think he appreciates that I just want to be pregnant again? Though this is only our fourth cycle trying since the miscarriage but we have been trying in total for eight months. Sometimes I get the feeling he's not even that bothered but I know he is but just wants me to do all the work.
I don't feel like the casual approach worked but it's true that the more organised approach isn't really sexy for either of us. I know people will say forget trying but that's easier said than done.
Also I'm 39 and he's 43 so I'm not really feeling like time is on my side.
HeyDuggeesFavouriteSquirrel · 02/08/2022 16:19
PS I got peak again today and I'm wondering if I just leave it for this month as we're both a bit fed up or I just jump on him with no mentions of fertile windows etc to put him off?
yonce · 02/08/2022 16:31
Tbh it can be a chore - especially if you're both tired, but you're telling him it's your fertile window so you need to do it.
You shouldn't really be "insisting" you DTD especially if your husband is bedrugding, that is making it a chore, and it's not going to feel nice if you're both tired but you're insisting on DTD.
I'm not sure how he can make it romantic if you're the one tracking fertility on a monitor because once you've told him it's a peak window - there goes the romance tbh!
You probably won't be able to have a romantic date night each time you're in your fertile window, but you probably just need a chat on how you both want to approach this.
My DH prefers not to be told when it's the super fertile window as he feels really under pressure (and has a super stressful job which adds to it) and it puts a spanner in the work. That way it does feel much more relaxed for us tbh.
I'm not going to say forget trying - but you need to figure out a way of trying that works for both of you. I totally understand how desperately you want to be pregnant again, but this might not be the best way to go about it.
yonce · 02/08/2022 16:33
* posted too soon
I had a similar situation last year, and it took me a few months to get out of that desperate feeling. That genuinely did help me, took all the pressure off and I stopped beating myself up every time AF turned up.
IMO you need to have a chat about how to go about this going forward otherwise it'll just become a chore for both of you.
GingerFox2021 · 05/08/2022 14:44
For me it also feels like a chore but what can we do? It’s like a project which you have to work on 🤷♀️
Chasingclouds100 · 05/08/2022 14:59
Same here - and we are older at 44 and 48 so time really is running out for us, he seems to think I will be fertile for ever but we have already been trying for over a year with no luck
XDownwiththissortofthingX · 05/08/2022 15:19
I can understand his apathy. I had a partner who would only have sex by appointment and it was a total passion-killer. So much so that it completely killed any desire I had to actually do it and was a significant part of the reason we eventually split.
I get that you are trying to co-ordinate it with your cycle, but perhaps by 'making it nice' he's just referring to the lack of spontaneity and that he's not a performing seal.
Rowen32 · 05/08/2022 15:29
It is a chore, luckily my husband was on the same page as me so we literally slotted it in like we would the cleaning/cooking or anything else and if we were tired tried to have an easier evening.
Have you tried bring straight up and direct with him? 'insert name, I know this is no fun but if you want to have a baby it's what we need to do, it isn't my fault'.
It's unreasonable for him to expect you to make it romantic, it's not, you're trying to conceive and it can be hard and tiresome!
minipie · 05/08/2022 15:33
You’re both right.
It isn’t fun or nice or romantic having sex to order.
But it is necessary if TTC isn’t coming easily and you don’t want or can’t afford to let it take its time.
I think you need to sit down and explain that there is a choice here: you can forget fertility monitoring, “go with the flow” and accept that may mean a much longer wait/age gap, and potentially no second child at all. Or you can agree that you want to get pg ASAP and that is going to mean some scheduled sex rather than spontaneous sex.
Hopefully he will agree that getting pg soon is desirable and will get on board.
If he wants to go with the flow however, there’s not much you can do - you can’t force him to perform if he’s not up for that. (As it were).
prettyprinceofpartiez · 05/08/2022 15:37
I can understand his feelings, especially as he's the one with the pressure to 'perform'. I would keep tracking but just keep your fertile window to yourself and just initiate as if it is spontaneous, this is what I did to try to reduce the pressure on us as a couple. I wouldn't stress about loads of sex during the fertile window either, I think a couple of times around the right time is sufficient if I recall from my own TTC journey!
Fingers crossed for you
SunnyKlara · 05/08/2022 15:42
How would you initiate sex before? Surely that wasn't romantic dates every time?
So perhaps stop talking about tracking and just initiate sex when you want to,at times that coincide with your fertile window.
I think we forget sometimes that men can feel like a failure too if you are struggling to conceive. Even more so when tracking so much, because their subconscious can hear "my body's ready, make me pregnant".
bathbombaholic · 05/08/2022 15:43
2 and a half years down the TTC line, it won't get better I'm afraid. As a pp said; me and hubby just do it when we have to and don't make a fuss anymore. Not sexy at all but don't miss the rows we used to have about it
Mischance · 05/08/2022 16:21
I am sorry about your miscarriage.
I think you need to ditch all the monitoring and just have sex when you are both in the mood as you would have done before. It is clear that you have no problem conceiving so all the sex to order stuff is not necessary, and I can see he might feel a bit like a sperm factory.
Just let nature take its course.
NatGee · 05/08/2022 16:40
Maybe have an honest conversation with him about it. As other posters have said, it is a chore, and if youre both busy, then more so. If you both accept it for what it is and decide together this is what you want then it shouldnt hopefully cause an argument / disagreement. Good luck
Goodnewsday · 05/08/2022 20:34
Ours got like that last time and we weren’t even trying for long. We were doing the sperm meets egg method so it was like every single day for about 2 weeks or something, it was genuinely so dull 😂 we didn’t attempt to make it exciting at all and he was SO relieved when he found out I was past ovulation and he wouldn’t have to keep going. We’re thinking of trying for our second so I’m going to come off my pill soon but I’ve decided this time I’m not spending a fortune on the clear blue ovulation tests. I’ll do the cheap ones every day in the middle of each month and if we dtd fine, if not I won’t panic. We have a little boy already and basically everything we did last time seems to cause it to sway blue so this time we won’t ‘try’ so hard and maybe even avoid ovulation day and the day before as sperm is supposed to live 3-5 days anyway so don’t panic if you miss the exact day!
calmlakes · 05/08/2022 20:55
A friend once called it death march sex, they weren't wrong.
But needs must, so your DH just needs to crack on.
RosyappleA · 05/08/2022 23:50
Men don’t seem to see it like us but secretly I think the pressure affects them a lot too. I had to give up with proactively ttc (tracking, dtd every day) to dtd when we feel like it. I became so depressed after my mmc late last year and dp started to get more performance anxiety the more it didn’t happen for us).
It is so hard when time isn’t on your side but I felt I have no choice but to slow down or he wouldn’t be able to finish then what chance do we have anyway. We have conceived twice before first time so it became increasingly worrying. Well things have improved in the bedroom as it is actually fun now and I’m focussing on my hobbies and friends so he misses me more. I have never experienced something as time-consuming as ttc I have to fight to not let it take over my life (AF i am looking at you).
I will never tell him when I ovulate as I think this is the ultimate mood-killer. I just know for myself and try plan things around that time. I read that dtd much earlier than ovulation doesn't really improve chances so I make sure I make him miss it as much as possible so when the time comes he can’t wait lol. I am trying Vitex now lets see if it makes a difference. Good luck don’t be hard on him as ttc is truly awful. Work on your relationship and more time alone can help.
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