Trigger warning!Conceiving after SID's

[LuluF91]

Hi,
I just feel like venting my thoughts/ feedback from others in a similar position.
I sadly lost my DS (age 3 weeks) to SIDs earlier this year. We decided we wanted to try again, and this month we have a fairly good chance (using OPK and temping) and I'm starting to feel nervous at what others reactions may be? Does it seem cold and uncaring to be trying again? I am in no way able to replace that beautiful little boy and that is not what I want to do. Ever. Honestly, what would your reaction be?

Secondly, would it be unreasonable of me to not tell DH until I had a scan showing a heartbeat? I've had some serious complications in the past, and obviously now with the loss of our son my husband can be extremely OTT about health of our DS1 and myself.

I'm sorry If this I'd a bit disjointed, I just really wanted to speak with you ladies. Obviously, I'm aware of the usual support groups but I wanted to chat in a low pressure environment.

Thanks in advance

I'm so sorry to hear what you've been through. My honest thoughts about you trying again - that you are super strong and have oodles of courage! I wish you the best of luck.

I don't know about keeping it from your husband though. Only you can judge how he will react to it being kept secret. From my point of view, I would tell my husband so I had someone to lean on or share my worries. If you think it would be better and he wouldn't be too upset to find out that you'd kept it from him, then that's up to you 🙂

@simplythequest thankyou! Feeling a bit teary and emotional today. We so want this but its going to be a challenge if it ever happens and I'm not sure there will ever be a "right time". Ironically, I checked a due date calculated for if I fell pregnant this month and it was a day before his predicted due date (which didn't happen anyway as 8 weeks prem!)

@LuluF91 i'm so sorry this happened for you, truly unimaginable heart break.

You absolutely should go for it again, no one will think you are trying to replace and if anybody were to say anything similar they are so irrelevant in your life. Your truest fam/friends will support you with whatever you do next lovely. You do you, really! It shows your true strength to go again which evidences you were born to me a mother 💕

In regards to telling your husband, I sympathise with you and you do whatever brings you peace xxx

Totally reasonable to try again now. Not so reasonable to not tell your DH as its his child too and his emotional investment is just as great. He would also support you if there were problems.

Thankyou so much for your honesty. I just want to protect him if I were to have another miscarriage, but you're also right that it would be his baby too whether it worked out or not.

I'm sorry for your loss.

If I knew you, I would be happy for you and wish you well. It must take a lot of strength to try again after such a loss, nothing cold about it. I don't think you should deliberately keep any pregnancy news from your partner though, that seems unfair. I hope everything works out for you.

I am so sorry for your loss. I think you need to focus on what you want and not worry what others might think, they are not in your position so who are they to judge? ttc is such a personal decision, regardless of the circumstances and it isn't for anyone else to be telling you what you should or shouldn't do or how you should feel.

It is not at all cold and uncaring to want another child. You want to bring a much loved and wanted baby into the world. There is nothing wrong with that. Please go easy on yourself.

Hi OP, I'm firstly so sorry for the loss of your little boy. It really is the most heartbreaking thing to experience in life. I lost my DS neonatally a few years ago, I knew almost right away I wanted to try again but probably threw myself into it too quickly (even before my cycles had returned etc). But it sounds like you're in a good place to start trying again. Others will in absolutely no way think you are doing the wrong thing by TTC again (and if they do their view isn't worth the time of day). You need to stick to your own feelings around it all & know no matter what, you're doing what's best for yourself & your family. As for not telling DH, I wouldn't think this would be a good idea, right now you'll need each other more than ever & by cutting him out of something he is directly involved in could really damage things, you'll need the support of each other during the TTC after loss journey. Sending love💐

I really can’t imagine anyone thinking anything negative about you trying for another baby. If anyone did think that then they are the one with a problem, not you. Bereaved parents are allowed to continue to live. You are allowed to experience joy, love, pregnancy, and parenthood again. As you’ve asked, I would advise you telling your DH if you do fall pregnant so that you can support each other if you need to, even ‘just’ with the emotional impact of falling pregnant again and what that triggers for you.

I am so very sorry for your loss.

Aw my goodness. So grateful for you all to take the time to reply and it's such a relief to see you wouldn't think badly of anyone in this position. @Terriblethirtytwos you've hit the nail on the head. We are allowed to be happy again. I need to remember that everytime I feel a pang of guilt.
@mylion how are things for you now? That's so reassuring to read you knew you wanted to try again so soon. I hope you and your family are in a good place now!

I'm 8dpo today so will be testing soon, all these nerves potentially for nothing but it would be really special if we did get a BFP.

I just want to protect him if I were to have another miscarriage

That's understandable and very thoughtful, but what about you if you were to have another miscarriage. It would be awful to go through it alone and I imagine he wouldn't want that for you, just to protect him.