How do you deal with the disappointment? TTC #1

[TinyDancer91]

How do you all stay positive and deal with the disappointment of BFNs? We are TTC #1 and have now gone through 7 cycles of actively TTC, plus 3 of not being 100% careful. Every month we get a BFN.

We are 31 & (almost) 35, so age shouldn't be a factor for us.

We are both struggling with the fact that it hasn't happened for us yet and worried that it never will. We just both want this so badly that each and every BFN hurts a little more than the last.

I'm finding it really hard to relax and just go with it and find/adopt the mentality of 'it will happen when it happens' or 'it will happen when the time is right'. I want to know why it hasn't happened yet, why isn't the time right now?

I must sound incredibly selfish but I'm finding myself getting really desperate and compulsively testing, both OPKs, then to see if there is a BFP.

What do I do?! 😢😭🙏🏻

Could be that it will just take a bit longer for you than for others, could also be that something is up with cycles, hormones, sperm, physiology etc etc.

If you want to get proactive then look into fertility testing, I guess at this stage privately (for both of you) just to make sure there's nothing going on that would actually prevent conception.

Oh my god, you’ve basically just summed up my life right now. If there’s a magic way to stay positive, I need to know it right now. I wish I never told people I was TTC but I’m always too open about stuff like that and my best friend just told me yesterday that she is pregnant- wasn’t trying, a completely surprise. Of course I am happy for her but it felt like a punch in the stomach. Not knowing if there is something wrong that will prevent us from ever conceiving is a very difficult thing to get my head around. Every pregnancy announcement is harrowing for me now and I hate that I’ve become that person.

i don’t know about you but I just need a crystal ball to look into and tell me it will all be ok!

@IslaO in a strange way it's nice to know that other people are feeling this way too. We haven't told anyone except one of my friends that we are TTC as we didn't want the pressure of people asking. I've seen so many pregnancy & birth announcements recently and I try to be happy for them all but I can't help but feel sad for us at the same time. I feel like an awful person for thinking that way too but it hurts my heart every single time.

I wish there was some sort crystal ball too, even just to say yes it will definitely happen or no it definitely won't. Hoping we won't get to the 12 months required by NHS to find out if there's something stopping us but we are creeping ever closer... 🥺

I have suggested maybe looking at private tests but OH thinks we should wait a little longer first, I think it's more out of fear of finding something wrong tbh, but also it isn't cheap!!

@TinyDancer91 - again, I’m the EXACT same! OH is adamant that it’s too soon for tests but I know that this is coming from a place of fear. I think he would take it quite badly to know there was an issue with his sperm. The idea of having ‘strong swimmers’ is something really important in the male psyche. I actually fear that it would impact our sex life as his confidence/self esteem would take a knock. However, I’m very much a Type A person who prefers to take action, know the information and seek solutions. He’s more of a head in the sand guy. I won’t push it now but think I will after a month or two more.

With hindsight, I think it was a good idea not to tell many people. I’ve been way too open and now I feel like people are always expecting an announcement from me that I don’t have. Really regret being so open with it all as I hate to think I’m the person people are dreading telling their own happy news to and hate people watching my reactions to see if I’m genuinely happy or upset/need comfort. Bahhhhh!! I just get angry that it’s so easy for some people and becoming such an ordeal for us. A real sense of entitlement there, I know 😂

I've been pregnant 3 times.

My first pregnancy took 8 months of actively trying to conceive but ended in a mmc.

My second pregnancy took another 8 months to conceive and I have a dd.

I'm 17 weeks pregnant with my second child and this pregnancy took 7 months to conceive.

For some people, I really just think it takes longer than others. Statistically, you're more than likely going to be pregnant by December.

It's soul destroying at times when you're in the midst of it all.

Is it 12 months you need to have tried for? If next
month makes 11 and it’s another BFN then why not start the ball rolling with the GP anyway (but tell them your at 12)? By the time you’ve got an appointment and with waiting lists then it could easily be 12months+ anyway and maybe knowing you’re in the system will help you with the mental health side of things.

@TinyDancer91 @IslaO ladies I am in the same boat and my situation and how I feel pretty much is everything you both say!!

We are cycle 7 of TTC, I know it's not long enough but I am struggling & I am sure now I'm struggling there are just more and more pregnancy announcements in my face!!

My OH has two teenage children and I've been pregnant before & we had a chemical pregnancy two cycles ago... but I'm still worried as we are 33 & 43 and we both conceived in our 20's before.

I don't have any children so it would be my first and so I am to put it bluntly DESPERATE for our babies together.

I am not hopeful because the more cycles that are not successful the more I get down about it and worry it's never going to happen.

I am using OPKs and temping for a second month but if we are still trying next month I just won't bother as I'm starting to feel like i can't be arsed with this stress.

If we aren't successful by September / October we will be paying to see a private fertility doctor to have tests xx

@Angie2018 you are not alone! 33 and 43 is not over the hill but I know it’s easy to get fixated on the things you believe are working against you. Im feeling the same as you- OPKs consistently and feel like we are ensuring a good chance every month by DTD in the lead up to and on the day of ovulation. Then, he puts it all to the back of his mind whereas I start the TWW getting progressively more stressed. I tell myself not to symptom spot, then I get a twinge and start googling. After that, I flit between being convinced that I’m pregnant and negatively spiralling thinking ‘it will never happen for me’. I found myself googling it tingling toes were a symptom of early pregnancy last night and had to check myself 😂 I do find threads like this helpful- just knowing I’m not alone and my feelings are similar to others who are going through the same thing is reassuring!

@Chanel05 I think this is just what I needed to hear today ❤️

Please keep me posted on how your month pans out everyone- I’ll be rooting for you all and hoping for some good news 🤞

@IslaO it's so refreshing knowing I am not the only one who is feeling this unhinged about it all!! Not that I'd wish this on anyone tbh but it's nice to know there's a safe space for us all to vent.

I mean I have been googling "maximum temperature for sperm survival" because I read something about sperm getting too hot and it causing infertility so of course I'm now convincing myself that it's not going to happen through a heatwave and it's going to be delayed longer through the summer 🙈

I find it so hard to think rationally!! @Chanel05 yes thank you for your message that has really helped me too! I keep trying to tell myself that it will happen and a year will be February for us so there's a very good chance il get a BFP by then but because of the unknown I struggling to make sense of that.

Totally agree that the TWW starts and the first week I feel is the worst and I go through so many emotions convincing myself it's our month, then there's no way it's happened and I just want my period so we can try again. It's just relentless!

I agree, we are doing SMEP for the second time this month, after our chemical pregnancy in cycle 5.

In my head I'm like, we are taking all the supplements, not drinking, eating very well, the timing of sex is on point.... surely on little sperm wants to have a party with one of my good eggs 🤣 and surely not all my eggs being released are bad ones and surely out of the god knows how many sperm are waiting there surely there just one that's a good one!!

@Angie2018 dont panic in the heatwave! People conceive all over the world, in temperatures wayyyy higher than what we have here at the moment. Please don’t worry! X

@IslaO thank you so much lovely!! I'm trying to tell my rational brain I still have a chance this month 😁

How are you today? What cycle day you on? Xx

@Angie2018 the rational side of my brain is non-existent at times! I’m 7dpo now and just feel like my period will come in 4 or 5 days. I just know it for some reason. I also had a lovely conversation with two colleagues last night where one was speaking about her recent miscarriage and the other just kept saying to her- ‘you’re in a much better position than someone who is trying to conceive but has never been successful’. I nodded along but wanted to crumble inside. I feel like it’s uncontrollable factors like that that push me from having a good day to falling off the bloody edge!!

Generally, flitting between being fine, positive, enjoying summer to feeling panic, frustration and anger at not being able to just let loose and have a guilt free rose in the sun! Haha! How are you doing @Angie2018 ? Where are you in your cycle?

@IslaO babe I am totally here with you on that!!!!!! It's soooo hard hearing other peoples stories tbh, I am so fearful of anyone close to me announcing they are pregnant as it just kills me inside seeing people not close to me announcing or with bumps.

I'm the same one day positive next day fuck this TTC shit it's boring now! On cycle 7 now and just had my peak this morning so ovulation will be on time tomo I suspect!! We've DTD day 4,6,8,10, will do today and tomorrow and Monday and Tuesday to cover all bases.

It will be our time soon it's just unfortunate it's taking a while. How is your OH taking it all?

Why do you think your period is coming??

I thought my period was coming two cycles ago when I started spotting at 10dpo and having cramps and headaches and didn't want to eat anything... turns out I was pregnant but it ended in a chemical.

I found that was the only month I had no symptoms at all. I always know from 7dpo if AF is coming. Always. And it's so annoying!

Why is this so flipping hard 🤯

@Angie2018 I'm with you there, it really hurts my heart when I see people I know announcing their pregnancies, but I so want to be happy for them at the same time.

We are now on cycle 8, day 5. I usually get my peak around day 15-18 so we will start DTD as much as possible from tomorrow, as AF should be gone by then!

Me & DP were (half) joking the other day how annoying it is that in school you basically learn that if you ever have unprotected sex ONCE you WILL get pregnant. I get it's to encourage safe sex, but they really should teach you how hard it actually can be and how certain factors need to align.

Gutted for you that you had a chemical not so long ago. Hope you get your time soon. We've had nothing at all so far which I think is adding to our stress and my thoughts that it will never happen for us.

I’m out the other side of this now, got my baby and maybe thinking of another next year so came across your post. I think if it was anything else in life you’d go into work and go ‘aw you’ll never guess what’ 🤦🏼‍♀️, you’d phone your friend and have a moan about it etc but the thing that got me that I really wasn’t expecting was how much it entirely consumes your life yet (in my case) the only person that knew was my husband so I had to go to work and act like everything was fine. It also really stuck out to me all of a sudden how often people make flippant comments about getting pregnant. Someone at work was talking about how hard it was to get the flu jag that year and I was agreeing then a girl who’d just had a baby said ‘just get pregnant, they automatically give you it then ha!’.. I really struggled to do a fake smile. I felt like it was written all over my face like IM BLOODY TRYING!! 🙈 You just so want to tell people. Then when (fingers crossed) all goes well and you do get pregnant, it’s actually not that long to wait from finding out and 12 weeks but I think because you feel like you’ve been living on a different planet to everyone else up til then you literally just want to shout it at anyone you see! I’m sure you’ll be lucky really soon 😊 pre-seed was what did the trick for me I’m pretty sure x

@TinyDancer91 I'm so sorry you are feeling this way too, even though I had a chemical, I still feel like it's not going to happen for us. I keep trying to tell myself that statistically it's could be a year and we didn't prepare our bodies at all before starting to try which is a big thing. It's just so frustrating isn't it.

I can't go on Facebook anymore because I'm just hit with constant baby bumps or announcements it's too crippling!

How long is your cycle? Mine are 25/26 days and I think I ovulated about 11pm last night from my left ovary. The chemical I had was from my left ovary so I am telling myself this month I'm out because it's the left ovary. I just make stuff up in my head to try to avoid disappointment.

I totally agree!! We are told that even sperm touching your vagina will result in pregnancy ffs!! I mean it's a joke. I honestly wouldn't have had safe sex last year and would have prepared my body if I had known!!

I'm running out of steam with it now and kinda can't be bothered 😕

@Dilemmaemmaaa hey that's for posting this is defo give us hope who are still waiting! How long were you trying for can I ask? And if you don't mind how old were you at that point? I'm 33 & OH is 43, he's had two children from a previous marriage, we've had a chemical together and I've been pregnant twice before very young.

We didn't anticipate it taking so long, we are in cycle 7 and I'm now overthinking "what if I get to 12 months and am not pregnant" and how that's going to make me feel.

I totally agree, people have no clue. Someone asked me the other day, after they had told me they were 8 weeks pregnant, if I was ever going to have children?! I just felt like saying thanks for digging the knife in even more!!

I used preseed last month and nothing, I normally do get a decent amount of EWCM though so don't always need lube although we do sometimes use preseed.

We've made many life changes after reading "it starts with the egg" so hoping over the next 6 months we are lucky.

Defo try for your second for sure! I want two but can't help but think maybe one won't even happen 😢 x

@Angie2018 my cycles range from 25-32 days, but usually even out at 28.

I feel like I ran out of steam a few cycles ago.

My biggest problem is that I'm a bit of an over-achiever! I've never really not been able to do something when I've set my mind to it, so not be able to get pregnant when I planned to is really hard for me. This might be why I'm getting a little fed up and convinced it's never going to happen.

Not being able to control this aspect of my life is hard to accept too as I'm also a little bit of a control freak at times!

I hate how selfish I sound in these posts as well! I'm genuinely not a self-centred person. I think I hurt a little more for my OH as I know how much he wants this and I hate not being able to give it to him...

@TinyDancer91 - THIS! I feel you. The not being able to achieve something, the second-hand disappointment for your OH… god I’m right there with you!

How are you doing in your cycle now? I’m on Day 26 of a 27-32 day cycle and can’t help but symptom spot and got back through my Flo app trying to spot patterns with previous months. Wouldn’t dare take a test as I don’t think I can face the blow just now!!! God, I never thought I’d be one of these people 💔

@TinyDancer91 yeah I am here with you on the running out of steam!! I feel so decanted and can't be bothered.

I like you don't deal well with not achieving or not reaching my goals... I've always been career driven and I'm not an overly patient person!! So for it to be taking this long I almost have the mindset of why bother if I can't make it happen.

I feel like a total failure and inadequate woman because my OH has two kids from a previous marriage, so I am the woman who hasn't given him kids yet and it's sucks!!

@IslaO we are on CD6 of cycle #8. Going to start trying again this month now AF how been & gone!

I have spent so much money on tests recently that I really just need to try to hold off until AF is late.

I know what you mean though, I never thought I'd be one of those people either!!

@Angie2018 it's so hard isn't it! I'd be able to cope if I knew 100% that it will happen before a certain point in time, it's the unknown that gets me.

@TinyDancer91 yeah I think that is literally the issue isn't it! It is that we have no guarantee it WILL happen. If we did we would all relax and be excited for the month that's meant to be ours. I'm now 1/2dpo.... no idea the exact moment because my BBT is rising a bit slower than last month. Apparently that's normal, however I'm now overthinking somethings wrong with me 🙈 of course I am!

I just keep telling myself by the weekend il know as I will be getting my normal AF symptoms by then.

It's just irritating me now. It's supposed to feel like a happy exciting journey yet it's bloody dreadful!!!