38yr old mom of a 5mos old... when to TTC for #2?

[VixFromThe6ix]

Hi mamas

I'm 38 (39 in august) and have a 5 mos old DS. He is our first.

I wanted to ask other mamas who had a baby in late thirties and are now trying for another.

How long did you wait between babies?

I had a traumatizing birthing experience and I'm still affected mentally by it but I don't want to cross my biological clock and wait too long while trying to conceive a sibling for my DS.

We had 2 miscarriages when we were trying for baby #1. So that's something to keep in mind. All tests always came back without any issues. It was an issue with my progesterone levels.

Someone told me trying for #2 is easier even if you're 40+. I don't know how true it is.

Just seeing what others who are or were in a similar position to me are thinking.

Is it smart to start trying before he turns 1 or can I afford to wait a year or two?

I know it's a personal decision... I just want to hear others stories and reasons behind them

Personally I would wait until your lo is a bit older ! Maybe 12 months or so just to try and mentally get over what you went through as the trauma is still fresh ! None of us no when our times up ! I'm 35 now and worrying I don't have enough time too ! It's u to you but you need to work on your mental health first as you don't want to carry the stresses into another pregnancy so soon

Yeah before any baby planning I need to be mentally ready to go through it again. I think you're right a year is a good time period to wait.

I also want to enjoy my little one and give him my undivided attention.

Just feeling the pressure due to my age. 😪

I am also 39 in August. I have 2 DC who are 22 months apart so I think I conceived when my eldest was 13 months.

I found the second pregnancy much harder as dealing with a young toddler was challenging whilst heavily pregnant. I then had a not quite 2 year old and a new born who had quite severe reflux. I didn't particularly enjoy that first year but now it's great!

I don't think I can deal with the mental load of a third so will bow out here as my body and head are exhausted.

The lack of sleep with my second was a killer!

Good luck with whatever you choose x

I am in a similar position and constantly calculating when to have a second baby against my age. I'm 38 and have a 10 month old. It took almost a year to get pregnant, but no miscarriages.

I had a difficult birth that ended in an emergency c section- I didn't feel myself emotionally until recently and my body is still healing in some ways, I get tenderness in the scar when I work out etc.

My DH and I decided to wait till our baby is 18 months old to start trying again. I'll be turning 39 around then, so if we are lucky enough to have another baby I'll be close to or already 40 when that baby is born. I just don't want to rush things for me physically and mentally, and I'd like the baby I already have to be a bit older. Also I'd like to return to work at least part time for a year for my career/sense of self.

If we've left it too late and can't have another, which has been a real worry of mine, I think we'd still be really happy with one child and will leave it at that.

So much to weigh up, such hard choices!

I'm 39, had my first after years of miscarriage/infertilty/IVF at 37 (I was 36 when I had my egg transfer but turned 37 2 months later). After my sons first birthday we discussed trying again - assuming we would have to use one of our frozen embryos but we wanted to try naturally just incase. My son turned 1 in November, and we had unprotected sex twice in January and to our shock (and slight alarm), I was pregnant! I turned 39 in May and I'm currently 24 weeks pregnant.

My son will be one month short of his second birthday when his sibling is due. I'm terrified of the newborn stage but delighted to not have had to have any intervention to get in this position. The pregnancy has been tough in regards to having a toddler to look after but otherwise it's been a much less complicated pregnancy.

Anyway, I think I've rambled but the point in me sharing all that was that I had long established fertility issues and assumed I would have trouble getting pregnant again due to the fertility issues coupled with my age, but I literally got pregnant at my first try so don't assume it will be much harder this time round. Wait till you're ready. I ideally would have waited a few months so that I wouldnt be paying for nursery for them both when my maternity leave is over (free hours begin at 3 for my son but he wont be eligible till the January after he turns 3), but things didn't work out that way. Don't leave it till your 45 but delaying 6/12 months may not be the big issue you are worried about.

I was 38, almost 39 when we had our first (after several miscarriages). He’s 22 months and we have just started trying for a second. The plan was initially to start trying when he was 18 months, but life got in the way.

Just wanted to let you know that every woman has a great peak of fertility about 9-10 months after giving birth (it leads to a 18 month gap 😜)

Thank you for your response!!
My first one has reflux and doesn't sleep longer than 2hr street he's at night. I miss sleep so much.
I often wonder if I'd be able to do it with a newborn plus a toddler.
But with my age I feel like I don't have the luxury of waiting too long....

Thank you for sharing your story.

There are so many things to think about. Going back to work! Even so i could qualify for maternity. I think I need to work for 6mos or something.

Moving to a bigger place is a big one. Prices here in Toronto are sky rocketing for both sale and rentals and 1 bedroom won't work for a family of 4.

My head is spinning. I feel like I am running against time and its a crappy place to be in.

Congratulations!!!! I'm so glad to hear you got pregnant naturally.

I've heard that happening a few times with friends. I hope same will be for me and we get pregnant when we decide to try.

Daycare costs are definitely in my mind all the time. Going back to work when he is just 1 seems crazy to me. I know some women have to go earlier. It's just if I could have it my way id stay home with him longer. But then my maternity stops at 1yr mark too so I gotta go back to work in order to qualify for maternity again when I need it the second time.

I just feel this constant pressure. How long is the right time to wait? Can we afford day care for dc1? How about when we have two kids? We need a bigger space. Can I mentally and physically handle two under 2 or 2 under 3?

Thank you for sharing your story. It helps to know what others have done in similar situations and it feels less lonely

I feel like that's a good point to start trying at18mos but you're right.... So much could happen in the next year.
Good luck to you guys! Hope it's not a long wait and a safe and u eventful pregnancy :)

Really?? I didn't know this!

I know people were told not to have unprotected sec after birth for the first like 6mos cause getting pregnant is apparently way easier. But I haven't heard this 9-10mos thing!

I guess I gotta see where I am mentally at around that mark haha

I think it's increasingly a lottery as you get older whether your eggs are still good but many people are fertile till 44/45. (There was a study done on age of last child in a pre contraception time).

I have DS at 38 after taking over a year to conceive him. He was hard work and I couldn't imagine being able to cope with a second.

Then things eased up a bit, and a load of my friends hit pregnant with number 2, and I had DD at 42.

It only took 6 months to conceive her (I had better advice about ovulation timing, the nhs suggestion that day 14 was the fertile window was way too late for me, after we figured out it was day 7-10 things got easier).

I mean, there isn't a right or wrong answer. If you're really keen on another child I'd start right away. You have years to move to a bigger place (and you can move during /after TTC/giving birth).

If you feel more laid back about it (if it happens great, if not that's fine) then it's more a matter of feeling ready I suppose.

For what it's worth I started trying when DS was 3 months old. DS2 ended up having a 19month gap with his brother.

I won't lie, yes, the first year is hard. I knew that going in. Still worth it for me because :

• More likely the children will share interests and a close bond (still not guaranteed obviously but better odds)
• Faster out of the boring diaper stage. If I'd waited till DS1 was 5yo and independant I'd never have gone for another at that point, not willing to go back to the diapers stage !
• Easier logistics in the long run (one school run for both, potential for similar hobbies at similar times, one's clothes go directly to the other so saving on that...)

My sons have very different personnalities and bicker all the time as siblings are wont to, but they can also play very sweetly together. It's tricky when they both want me at the same time but I figure it's also good for them to learn that sometimes you've gotta wait and sometimes you've gotta share, and that's not the end of the world.

All in all, challenging, but I'd do it again !

Re the sleep I hear you (though mine sleep, unless they're ill) but I figured if I'm not sleeping with one and I'm awake already, another won't make a difference !

If I 100% wanted another child I would start trying at 12 months. I couldn’t personally bear to start any earlier than that! It doesn’t sound like you’re too bothered re career so that helps- a short gap between dc is no time at all to deliver good results at work before disappearing again. I was 39 recently, a few weeks after having my youngest and am considering whether to try again, but it’s non negotiable that I go back to work at 12 months so I won’t be trying then- the earliest I’d be trying is probably mid /late in my 40th year… I don’t know re the chances.

@VixFromThe6ix
The whole housing thing is tricky. We were in a 1 bed flat when we had our first baby. I feel like 2 babies in a 1 bed wouldn't be sustainable for long, and yet people do it! I used to read some blogs on living in tiny spaces with babies. As long as it's not a permanent plan it might not be impossible short term, assuming no one works from home. We've moved now and having more space really helps, tho we had to leave London to get a bigger place, that was a good trade off.

Ours is five months old and I want to start trying next month for a second, although I'm not sure how successful that'll be as I'm breastfeeding and haven't had a period yet