I'm not sure if having an abortion is the right thing for me to do

[StellaBella1998]

I'm 23, just about to finish my degree and have become pregnant accidentally. I'm in a very happy relationship with the Dad, who's 22. He's amazing, supportive and lovely. We've both always wanted to have kids, just not right now and I know he really doesn't want me to keep it yet, as we'd discussed travelling and getting ourselves a lot more sorted out than we are currently. He says it's just not possible at the moment, financially and circumstantially, and I do mostly agree, but I'm finding it really difficult to deal with.

To expand on us not being sorted out yet, both of us work but still live with our parents at home. He's starting a new job which will get him a lot more money, which is positive, but I'm still working for minimum wage as an office assistant and am going to need to start looking for a new job as I'll move back to my home city in a few months. So my own financial prospects aren't great at all.

Realistically, we could definitely rent somewhere. Technically I think we could make it work if we both wanted to. However, me and my partner have actually only been together for 9 months, which isn't long at all even though we do feel like a married couple and have our whole lives planned out. I can tell he really doesn't want it yet and so don't want to force him to have a baby, and I know all of his family and friends would think it was a terrible mistake. Mine would too. I don't know if I could live with myself if I took my partners youth away from him like that, gave him a lifetime of responsibility when the decision wasn't mutual.

Despite all this though, I can't help feeling unexplainably happy that I'm pregnant and the thought that it has to end is painful for me, I feel like I'm grieving already and fear that'll get a lot worse during and after the abortion. Since as long as I can remember, I've always wanted to have a baby, so I think that's where the difficulty is for me, but logically it does not seem to make sense and I don't think I can do it to my boyfriend.

I know the only person who can make the decision is me, but I would just love any advice or thoughts from anyone. Thanks so much for reading :)

Hi lovely- my best friend was in a very similar position mentally. Been with her partner 2 1/2 years, lived together for 6 months, spoken about children in the future but not now. She was 25 at the time so a tad older.

she decided to have the abortion because her partner really really really did not want it. Whilst she always says it felt like the right thing for their relationship, she’s struggled mentally ever since and carried a guilt to be completely honest. She always says to me that even though she carries that guilt, she knows it was the right thing at the time because her and her partner have grown hugely and are getting closer to being the parents a child deserves.. but she will always carry the weight in her heart.

My advice is do what is right for you and know that either way there will be tough emotions ahead. But really figuring out what you want your future to look like and what you want to accomplish is so important right now. You do whatever you need to do… your partners feelings should definitely be considered but you must also be mindful of the array of emotions to come by either choice xxx

It’s really sensible of you to consider all sides like this, and good of you to think about the impact this would have on his life.

I agree with the PP that you should probably focus more on your own life now, how raising a child will impact your own prospects, your youth and your career.

And think about if you could do it alone as well, and what that might look like for you, not just with a newborn baby but with a 7 year old, a 12 year old, a 16 year old.

After thinking about all of that, you should follow your heart.

Lots of women have terminations and move on with their lives without much of a second thought beyond relief, for others it really is about making a choice between two different lives and grieving the one lost. By keeping the child you gain one life but lose many options for your future, but terminating you gain options for your future but lose the pregnancy.

Only you can decide what’s the best choice for you right now. Good luck xx

However, me and my partner have actually only been together for 9 months, which isn't long at all even though we do feel like a married couple and have our whole lives planned out.

You may think that but it isn't true. You are very young in a very short relationship and he doesn't currently want a child. Chances are you won't be together. So think about if you want to be a single mum. Can you do it, do you want it? Make this decision for you.

It is clear that you want this baby. It would probably arrive at an inconvenient time but babies often do. Parents get over that pretty quickly.
I don't think you should give too much weight to what his friends and family say - they are not impacted by whatever you decide to do. As for 'taking his youth away' (is he saying that?) which you can't do to him - what an odd idea. He:s old enough to have sex and relationships so he's old enough to be a Dad. You shouldn't feel that you are doing something bad to your bf by falling pregnant. You're maybe giving him a child not his bus pass.
No one here can tell you what to do. It is your decision. You have said that you're grieving for the baby already. Pay attention to your own instincts as well as the practicalities of being a mother .
Good luck

If you want to have your baby then that’s perfectly ok.
listen to your heart.
Men very often are ambivalent about their partner being pregnant- probably partly because they are not carrying the baby themselves.
However time goes on this often improves.
All through your life people will have opinions about what you are doing - but this is your life not there. They will love the baby when he/she arrives.
Having a baby isn’t taking someone’s youth away. If he is old enough to have sex - which can make a baby- then he is old enough to help that child grow up.
There can be great aspects to having a baby young - I had my first at 24. 9 months after I got married! And we married 9 months after we meet!
If he doesn’t want to be involved he doesn’t have to be. But you sound like it’s a good relationship.

Feeling unexplainably happy about the pregnancy is not the frame of mind for an abortion.

you’ve listed all your logical reasons for aborting, but you’re not convincing to be honest…. All these things are resolvable, so it sounds.

I remember for me the biggest hurdle was a mental one; shifting to owning the pregnancy rather than apologising and explaining, if thea makes sense... You can have a baby if you want to! You can declare it and do it, you don’t need friends and family permission. They will take their cue from you. You’ll still have your career, the life you planned, but in a different order. Or a different life, that might be even better… as a PP said it’s a baby not a bus pass, this isn’t the thief of youth

I remember the first person saying “congratulations” when I expected “you’re WHAT??” I can’t quite explain it, but in that moment I owned it all and decisions were mine.

I really wish you well x

My advice would be to follow your gut.

You say that despite all the facts, you feel inexplicably happy. For me that says that you know what you want to do, it's finding the strength to do it.

There's a quote that I'll summerise...
Taking chances is scary, but there is something that should scare you far more, missing out on something wonderful because you were scared.

None of us know what is in store for us, this year or 10 years ahead. And as awful as it is to say, getting pregnant now does not guarantee you'll be able to when you later want to 💔

I waited until I had my ducks in a row, but that took longer than I 'planned'. I thought I'd quickly have all the kids I wanted but instead we had years and years of infertility trauma.

I guess my takeaway is, you never know what the future holds, all you know is what you have right now, and what you have right now is making you feel inexplicably happy. So listen to that. Draw strength from following your gut about what is right for you.

At the end of the day you are having this baby. You have to be the one that wants it and loves it, that matters more than anything else. You could wait until you're in a perfect set up, but one of you could have fertility problems. Life could throw something horrible at you and take kids off the table. I wouldn't throw what I have now away for something in-guaranteed in the future.

I can only imagine how scary this is for you, I hope that you're able to reach a decision that brings you peace inside. That's how I know if somethings right for me or not, however with or against the grain it is! Let us know how you get on xx

Lots of important decisions are difficult or painful. That doesn't mean they're the wrong decision.

Deciding to have, and going through with, life-saving but life-changing surgery was the right decision - but it was painful (mentally and physically), distressing and traumatic.

Life isn't a movie. Making decisions based on avoiding difficult emotions or "regret" is a recipe for dysfunction. Sometimes you have to make the least bad decision or the one that is right at the time. It is not possible to live a life without tough emotions including the emotion of regret.

There are no perfect decisions. What makes the difference is how you care for yourself and manage difficult emotions at such times - not trying to avoid ever experiencing them.

Love doesn't pay the bills or furnish us with the skills we need to effectively manage our circumstances. "Love is all you need" is a fictional sentiment from movies not real life.

Unless you have a trust fund.

If I were you, I would terminate. You have no money, no proper home, and a very, very new relationship. Unless you are totally willing to be a single mom with no support, now is not the right time for you.

I am so grateful and for all your responses, thank you so much ❤️ I’m going to terminate, it will be hard but I will get over it hopefully. I’ve properly weighed everything up and although truthfully my heart does want to keep it, I’ve always wanted to give my child the best start in life and for everything to be solid and it really isn’t. I need my partner to be completely behind the decision too.

Thank you so much again everyone, you’ve been immensely helpful! ❤️

All the very very best OP.

Take care of yourself.

@StellaBella1998 the best of luck lovely. There will be a hard journey ahead but I think your reasons for this decision are very mature and selfless. This path will be yours one day, when the time is right xxx

Best of luck xxx