Accepting it might never happen

[FantasticJurassic]

Hi all,

Bit of a different one from me...
My partner and I have been trying to conceive for a couple of years with zero results. Having been referred to a clinic recently we were told that chances of conceiving naturally are very low and we would probably be looking at IVF.

So we've now accepted that our chances are pretty low, I've paused tracking cycles etc as it was just causing me stress. And at the moment both of us are also not keen to go through IVF, we haven't ruled it out completely (still doing the tests, finding out all the facts) but based on what we know so far we aren't keen.

We've had open conversations about what our lives might look like if we never had a child, and I know it wouldn't necessarily be the end of the world, we could still be happy and I am starting to come to terms with the idea. But of course there's still a part of me that can't help finding it difficult.

Just wondered if anyone else had found themselves in a similar situation and how you dealt with it? Or are trying to deal with it?

I feel when reading through posts like everyone on here is very actively trying, I don't see anyone in a similar situation to me, but you must be out there somewhere!.. If you are give me a holler 🙂

Thanks all xx

We were like you.

2 and a half years of nothing and I wasn't keen on IVF. We had unexplained infertility.

Our doctor told us to take proxeed and go away and have a think. We went on an amazing holiday to Sri Lanka. My husband convinced me to try IVF once but I had a million questions for the doctor first.

We started to plan the life without kids. The holidays we wanted to take, the possible house move/renovation, what we'd do career wise.

I remember seeing in the doctor's waiting room a leaflet for a support group for people facing a childless life. I can't remember the name though.

I did feel a weight lifted from me when we had a plan and a stopping point.

I'm not in this position myself but I just wanted to recommend Gateway Women as a way to get in touch with a community of women without children. Good luck with your journey OP.

That's interesting @Twizbe thanks- you're right, just talking about what we would do etc did really help. I've joked with my mum friends before about silly things like my nice lie-ins or how I get to go to the pub whenever I want 😆 But having a real conversation about the bigger things really helped. And also sounds like an amazing holiday is in order 😄
So you guys are trying IVF one time? Or are you still deciding?...

And thanks @AntarcticTern I will have a Google now of the site you recommended

I didn't want to say the end of our story as I don't want to be 'one of those ladies'

But... we decided to do 1 round of IVF and got all the drugs, tests prelim stuff sorted. My husband went away for work for 2 weeks just before we started and the day he left we finally got pregnant! Our son is now 5.

We have a daughter as well who is 3 and she only took 6 months to conceive.

Some days I'm sad we didn't get to do some of the travel we'd planned and my career hasn't gone the way I planned.

Hi @FantasticJurassic, I’m in a similar yet different situation to you. We’ve been TTC for 1 1/2 years. I’m currently pregnant for the 4th time, but no baby. Only 4 weeks so it’s incredibly early days.

But we’ve had conversations about if this keeps happening…. And it made me feel so much better… like there is a plan b.

I don’t want to spend my 30’s living in two week intervals. I don’t want to constantly be going through this wave of grief and loss - there has to be more to life then this.

When we’ve spoken about IVF we’ve both said we’re not sure about it so I can totally understand your feelings about it.

Having the conversations and accepting that life might not be what we’d initially planned has really helped change my mindset for this pregnancy. Before at this point I’d be googling every twinge and pinch… along with IFV, IUI… adoption… and it drove me crazy. Having accepted that I might end up child free has made me look at this time completely differently. I’m being a lot more pragmatic and tbh a lot less detached. As awful as it sounds I have already accepted that this will most likely go wrong, but that that doesn’t mean it’s the end of my world.

I have in my head the amount of times I’m willing to go through a miscarriage and I think my husband has an idea in his mind too… and I think we will call it a day at some point.

I feel there is a lot to be said for having these conversations when TTC, it gives you back a lot of control knowing you’re making these decisions, which for me was really liberating.

• a lot more detached sorry. Also IVF… I should read before I post!

Hi @SunDance21 thanks for replying. Sorry to hear you've been through that- as you say similar yet very different.
Completely understand what you mean about a plan B, and about getting just a little bit of that control back!
I hope you don't need it though, fingers crossed for you 🤞 Thank you for sharing, it does help to hear that you're not the only one having these conversations

@SunDance21 I completely agree.

I think when DH and I had agreed on a stopping point and on a vision for the childless future it helped us regain control. I'd spent over 2 years planning things as if I was pregnant and it was a relief to know that I wouldn't be.

I hate to say it because it sounds so much like the 'just relax and it will happen' bollocks, but in some ways accepting it wouldn't happen made it a lot easier.

We were unexplained infertility though which can be harder to move on from as there was nothing wrong with us and therefore nothing to fix.

@Twizbe also glad to hear your happy ending! Don't think you're "one of those women" at all, and also trying really hard to not let my situation impact my relationships with other close friends who are mums, or with their children... its not their fault is it.
And hey, share some of your travel plans and maybe I can give them a go for you! 😉

We had so much planned. We wanted to properly do SE Asia and perhaps do a 'gap year'. We'd gone to Australia for our 30th birthdays and did the tour of Germany we'd wanted to do.

We basically planned to do one long haul and one short haul holiday a year.

We live in the suburbs which we love now, but considered selling and moving more central to a less family friendly property (we now plan to do this when we retire)

Its hard to not let it impact you. I remember a few times just having to let it all out to DH when we got yet another pregnancy announcement.

I remember going on a night out with 3 uni friends and them discussing their previous abortions. They suddenly stopped and apologised and I said not to. Just because I couldn't have a baby didn't mean they had to have one. Especially not in the situations they were in at the time.

@FantasticJurassic I think it’s really important to know that there is more to life then this “journey” and that you’re no less of a woman or person if you don’t have children. It’s hard because there is so much pressure from society in general, but I really do think there is something liberating about making the decision yourself.

Before we got pregnant this time we had been planning things we’d do in a years time if we weren’t pregnant/had had multiple more losses and it has given me something to look forward to.

I don’t know about you, and it might be different due to my MC’s, but I found it incredibly reassuring and sort of freeing when my DH told me he wouldn’t leave me if we didn’t have children. I really felt like it was my fault (he told me it wasn’t and for all we know it could be him with dodgy sperm!), so for him to want to plan our lives childfree made me feel so much less alone.

Thank you. I’m taking it one step at a time this time. I have a blood test booked for Friday so it’s currently a case of surviving until then. And then another on Monday… I’m taking it in very small steps, and am definitely not planning on it being successful.

I’m honestly so glad we had these conversations as it really has given me a sense of control back in the situation. I really hope it has for you too xx

@Twizbe After we had the conversations about how our lives would look we both felt so much happier and it really helped to bring us closer as a couple.

We have plans to go to St Lucia next year (we got married in 2020 so never actually had a honeymoon!) so we’re going to save up for that. I’m sure I can find a use for the money if this pregnancy is successful, but my mind is currently firmly on it being spent on that holiday, something I wouldn’t have dreamed of planning a few months ago “just in case”.

But you can’t put your life on hold for “what if’s”. You only get one life after all…

I’m glad it all worked out for you 😊 It’s a hard thing to go through, I’m sure you probably appreciate what you have a lot more than most!

My DH being by my side and not putting any extra pressure on us was so valuable. Knowing we were in it together, so important.

Even now I feel a big responsibility to help other women feel valued for who they are outside their ability to have children.

More to life is so right. I said to my husband something along the lines of "I'm not sure what the point is without it, and what do I spend the next 20 years doing!" and then realised how silly that sounded. But I had always kind of been where I was headed so guess its just about resetting the expectations...

Aw yes you're right, hearing my husband say "we'll have a great life whatever happens, me and you will be fine" was so lovely and really meant a lot. And vice versa obvs as in our case he feels responsible I think.

Ooh congrats on the wedding, honeymoon is exciting! We were lucky we did ours just a little sooner but best holiday ever (so far!)

Yes I love the idea of planning something for a year or sos time. Like you say, you can't put everything on hold for ifs and maybes. It's a silly thing, but I've been putting off decorating our spare room as it would have been hypothetical baby's room. We recently decided "sod it, we are just going to have a nice guest room". But thats boring- holidays are much more fun!

Similar situation except I have a 6 year old.

We wanted a second and started trying just a few months before our daughter turned 3.
Fell pregnant really quickly however had a missed miscarriage at 12 week scan where baby had died a couple of days before.

That was 3.5 years ago and we continued to try ever since. A couple of times I've had a positive test only for period to start so I don't officially count those as pregnancy/miscarriages however I am now 45 and fear I'm entering menopause.

Neither of us have said we're "done" trying but we're both feeling failures.

Would you consider adopting?

When we were coping with multiple miscarriages, a relative who has unexplained infertility and unsuccessful IVF said to me how they decided on an end date in the future at which time they would stop trying and would focus on living their lives without children. It was hard but they stuck to the date and moved their lives onto a different phase. My DH & I did the same and planned what we would do that wouldn’t be possible if we did have a successful pregnancy - I was going to have a small holding with sheep, goats & horses and he was going to join mountain rescue. It did help me as I like to plan and plan way ahead into the future. Struggling to TTC is such a personal and often lonely journey. Take care.

Can I ask why you're not keen on IVF?

We had ICSI and conceived our 5 year old first time. Three subsequent rounds for a sibling have failed so have now made peace with where we are. I'm not sure I could have given up without exploring all options though

@Michellebops I had thought I'd consider adoption but I've moved away from the idea, can't really put my finger on why. And know my husband wouldn't be keen. Would you consider it?...

@Ginger1982

Can I ask why you're not keen on IVF?

We had ICSI and conceived our 5 year old first time. Three subsequent rounds for a sibling have failed so have now made peace with where we are. I'm not sure I could have given up without exploring all options though

You can ask 😊 As I say we haven't ruled it out completely, but from what we gather it would be quite stressful (both physically and mentally) and given how challenging TTC has been already, we are just not sure we would want to put ourselves through it, knowing the chances of success from one round are still relatively low. We certainly wouldn't want to be trying again and again.

I do know people who have done it (successfully) and of course they always tell me it was worth it to get their beautiful child! I don't know (that I'm aware of) anyone who has been unsuccessful and wanted to share that experience, so I've never really been able to hear that point of view directly.

I do of course wonder if people will think that if we didn't try it and do all that we possibly could then we obviously just didn't want it that much 😔 That's not the case at all but we have to do what is best for us

Sorry to hear you are going through this OP. This is my story in brief.

DH and I TTC 12yrs. 3 MC's and 2 rounds of IVF with no cause for infertility found. Multiple, early, push backs from my GP meant delays, no referral to infertility clinic and no testing done for years. I'm now far more aware of what normal timelines should be in terms of basic testing.

I always assumed I'd have 2 children, and although not completely obsessed with TTC every month for the whole 12yrs, never considered us NOT having children. I have a good egg count for my age, but can only assume that the egg quality now is very poor. I know through testing that 2 of the 3 MC's were a result of random genetic issues, often due to egg age- (at that point age 38 and 42).

The 2nd IVF treatment failed (the 1st ended in MC also). I spoke to a consultant who was actually informative. She said that I had a 5% chance of a normal pregnancy and had I considered using donor eggs. NO- until then, it had never been mentioned and something we had never considered.

I have a very happy life with DH, and recently got a dog. I'm now 44, and although part of me still can't believe I will likely never have my own birth children, I have to look at the many positives of my life.

How old are you OP? Depending on why you haven't conceived so far, and what IVF can provide- it still might be an option. If I was younger, I would pay for another round of IVF. Everyone is different, but I personally didn't find it as grueling and emotional as some describe. I was far more hormonal on the pill than IVF meds! Happy to answer any questions you might have x

[quote FantasticJurassic]@Michellebops I had thought I'd consider adoption but I've moved away from the idea, can't really put my finger on why. And know my husband wouldn't be keen. Would you consider it?...[/quote]
I would. My daughter constantly asks for/wishes she had siblings to play with.
I know it's a process to go through but I feel a "pull" as if I'm meant to..

Thanks for the detailed reply @MarmiteCoriander. I'm 33, so time at least, is in theory still just about on our side.

But it's not really whether it's an option that's the issue for us, more whether it's the right thing for us to do. For our own sanity if nothing else!

We haven't ruled it out completely yet and still both undergoing tests to hopefully find out more, so far my husband has a very low sperm count, all my results have been "as expected".

Thanks for your offer though to answer any questions! Might take you up on that at some point

Has your doctor recommended proxeed for your husband?

My husbands results were quite borderline but proxeed worked for us.