To be on the fence about having a child?

[LibbyL92]

Sorry if this is in the wrong place..

I’ve been with my boyfriend for over 7 years and the plan was always to TTC once I hit 30.. I’m 30 next month.

I’ve always wanted a baby for as long as I can remember

But something inside me has shifted.. I just feel really uneasy about it. The finances, the commitment, the loss of my life which I love. I love travelling.

I know this sounds selfish but I can’t help but think about how hard it will be and if I will ever get ‘me’ time again?

I just feel really at loss and so undecided on what I want to do. My other half is desperate for a baby, and up until this year I was all for it. But starting to get doubts about it.

I love children. And babies, but the thought of bringing one into this world (with the mess of the world too) is just make me uneasy. I know time is ticking.

I know I need a chat with my boyfriend about my doubts. Maybe I just need some more time until I feel ready, but Is there ever a right time?

Sorry if this isn’t really making sense or is sounding really selfish. But I’m scared and I just feel a lot of pressure from everyone.

You really don't need to apologise for having doubts and you're not selfish at all!!

My DP and I both wanted a baby, but me moreso, and I kept asking because I was impatient... and we both have children of our own with our exes.

However... because we have split custody, we have some days childfree and I love those days so much haha. I was thrilled when he said to come off the pill and could start trying. But then later that night I laid awake wondering if it was really the right thing, was it what I wanted, what would change between us, could we afford it, etc etc. I honestly was desperate for a baby but when the time came I freaked out lol. However I thought about it, and felt that I'd regret it if I didn't. So we are going ahead with TTC and I'm happy with it.

There's no right or wrong answers, it's fine to have doubts. How would your DP feel if you decided not to go on and have a baby?;

It is a scary thing. And I'm already a mama! There is no real right time. And it changes your life. Which is scary. However the love you feel for them could never make you regret having them. Either future you choose can and will be a happy one for you, it's just a matter on which kind of happy you'll be. I hope you're okay xxx

As previous poster said it changes your life, there's no question about it and unfortunately (unless you have amazing friends and family willing to give you a break) you will rarely get your 'alone' time.. my son's just turned 5 and it's constant.. But it's true the love you feel for them is like nothing you've ever felt before.

It is a massive decision and you've done the right thing by giving it a lot of thought.

Youre only 30, speak to you partner and maybe agree to wait another year or two? You have plenty of time still.
Last thing you want to do is rush into and end up resenting your child and your partner.

Xxx

Thank you @GoT1904

Honestly, I don’t think I am okay. I feel like I’m battling it alone in my mind. And spend a lot of time crying

Im angry with myself for suddenly having this huge doubt and being really scared and wondering if it’s what I really want.

Honestly, I think it would end me and my boyfriend if I chose not to have a child with him.

I’m not saying I don’t want a child. But my gut is telling me something different.

I’m glad you replied. I’m sure once I have them I couldn’t imagine life without them. But I feel like a part of me will die and I won’t ever get that back.

I have a big family on either side so I know we’ll both be supported. I guess I’m just scared of losing part of my identity and freedom.

Thank you @Graceybaby

That’s what everyone says. It’s hard but the love you have for them you’ll never regret it.

I think maybe it’s the ‘your 30 it’s now time’ that’s scaring me. If I could get another 1/2 years on my side I think I’d feel a lot better.

With the pandemic I feel like I’ve missed out in two years. Perhaps it’s this that’s made me feel this way.

I think how you feel is a positive at least you are aware your life definitely wouldn't be your own once you have a baby. I think at 30 though you can spare 2 years and have your baby... just if you want to be a youngish mum... it may mean having the 2nd baby (if wanted) close together.

I could have written this a year ago… I spent most of my 20s thinking I didn’t want children (OH didn’t really mind either way) and had lots of worries around career (I’m in a pretty senior leadership role) / body / time etc. we flipped flopped throughout the whole of 2020/2021 (covid didn’t help).

I’m now 6 months pregnant (32 now). The thing that tipped it for me (apart from OH saying we need to make a decision either way 😂), was really asking myself - would I feel regret if I never experienced pregnancy (even just once) and did I see me and OH having a family in the long term (I did). Do you look at pregnant women and have a little voice saying “I want to do that?” I think once we were pregnant I got excited very quickly (and anxious about the baby - having never really had anxiety before, I assume that’s the hormones taking over). Hope that helps?

@AppleTree16

I could have written this a year ago… I spent most of my 20s thinking I didn’t want children (OH didn’t really mind either way) and had lots of worries around career (I’m in a pretty senior leadership role) / body / time etc. we flipped flopped throughout the whole of 2020/2021 (covid didn’t help).

I’m now 6 months pregnant (32 now). The thing that tipped it for me (apart from OH saying we need to make a decision either way 😂), was really asking myself - would I feel regret if I never experienced pregnancy (even just once) and did I see me and OH having a family in the long term (I did). Do you look at pregnant women and have a little voice saying “I want to do that?” I think once we were pregnant I got excited very quickly (and anxious about the baby - having never really had anxiety before, I assume that’s the hormones taking over). Hope that helps?

It does thank you @AppleTree16 And huge congratulations to you too!

I do look at other woman who are carrying and it makes me smile and i know I definitely want it.

It must be an age thing, I think I need a bit more time.. 32 sounds lovely and I don’t feel dread when I hear that.

I don't have advice but wanted to say I'm in the same boat, though younger than you at 24. Have always imagined having children and my boyfriend and I have had more serious talks about it recently. We are thinking of trying later on this year, and whilst I'm excited at the idea of being pregnant and having a baby, like you, I'm terrified of losing the free life I have now. It's not like I do anything particularly exciting, but I know the commitment a child will bring and I find that incredibly scary. It doesn't help that I've read so much on here about those with children who say if they had their time again they wouldn't have children, or who say they have lost themselves since becoming a parent. It's such a hard choice. Sending hugs

@KELLOGSspeck

I think how you feel is a positive at least you are aware your life definitely wouldn't be your own once you have a baby. I think at 30 though you can spare 2 years and have your baby... just if you want to be a youngish mum... it may mean having the 2nd baby (if wanted) close together.

Yeah! If we ever planned a second I’d want to have them close together.

Waiting a couple more years definitely feels right. It’s more common to have a baby in mid thirties now. I need to remember that

Hi @LibbyL92
Don’t ever feel selfish about not wanting to have a child yet, if at all!

My older sister (29) has point blank said she never wants children and I definitely can’t see if happening anytime soon, if ever… she told us she felt really selfish but she’s very career focused and loves doing her own thing and travelling around, we’re all very supportive of her not wanting children as that’s her choice! (Although my mum is gutted, my sister is mixed race and very beautiful, she would’ve loved to see what her children would’ve looked like but then my mum says that’s her being selfish😂)

I never wanted children up until I met my current boyfriend and we’ve been trying for a year, even now I still worry about having a baby for the very same reasons as you, I’m worried about losing most of my social life and not being able to do the things I want and when I want.

It’s a massive decision that changes your whole life and if you’re not feeling 100000% about it right now, then don’t push yourself into it.

Speak to your partner, I’m sure he’d understand that you were worried xx

I was the exact same op! Eternal traveller, go to all the music festivals, clubbing etc that’a how I spent my life and I love all that

My baby is now 1 - I did wait until I was 33 to have her!

She is coming backpacking with us soon (eeep) and has been on heaps of trips already with us! You can still do all the things you used to - it just takes more planning and it’s a different trip than you had before with your extra guest :)

We have my mum coming to stay while we go to Glastonbury in the summer (yay)

And we still go clubbing (just rarely now as it obviously involves needing a babysitter and you have to deal with hangover and baby tomorrow 😑)

We just go out separately with friends whenever we want.

It’s different - but I love being a mum now she’s here - I used to love lie ins (still do ) but I now enjoy getting up at 7 and actually making the most of the day on weekends rather than getting up late

Still if you don’t want a child don’t do it - that’s fine too :)

@Fupoffyagrasshole

I was the exact same op! Eternal traveller, go to all the music festivals, clubbing etc that’a how I spent my life and I love all that

My baby is now 1 - I did wait until I was 33 to have her!

She is coming backpacking with us soon (eeep) and has been on heaps of trips already with us! You can still do all the things you used to - it just takes more planning and it’s a different trip than you had before with your extra guest :)

We have my mum coming to stay while we go to Glastonbury in the summer (yay)

And we still go clubbing (just rarely now as it obviously involves needing a babysitter and you have to deal with hangover and baby tomorrow 😑)

We just go out separately with friends whenever we want.

It’s different - but I love being a mum now she’s here - I used to love lie ins (still do ) but I now enjoy getting up at 7 and actually making the most of the day on weekends rather than getting up late

Still if you don’t want a child don’t do it - that’s fine too :)

This was a reply I really needed to see. To know that people do still manage to do what they love.

I’m so glad you still get to do this.

I’m not saying I want to go clubbing every weekend ect. But a girls holiday every now and then is something I never want to lose.

I will speak to my partner about this. We had a bit of a chat tonight and he was pretty drunk tbh so wasn’t wise to bring it and he wasn’t supportive at all. But I’m not going to be forced into it if I don’t feel it’s right just yet. Wouldn’t be fair on any of us..

@BlossomingSlowly

I don't have advice but wanted to say I'm in the same boat, though younger than you at 24. Have always imagined having children and my boyfriend and I have had more serious talks about it recently. We are thinking of trying later on this year, and whilst I'm excited at the idea of being pregnant and having a baby, like you, I'm terrified of losing the free life I have now. It's not like I do anything particularly exciting, but I know the commitment a child will bring and I find that incredibly scary. It doesn't help that I've read so much on here about those with children who say if they had their time again they wouldn't have children, or who say they have lost themselves since becoming a parent. It's such a hard choice. Sending hugs

You’ve hit the nail on the head.

It’s the negative comments I’ve latched onto. Which isn’t helping. Xx

I don’t think there’s a right time for a baby. I was 32, there was no time, I was 35, no time, 38 no time. Gave birth at 39. In the last 10 years there was never a right time for me.
Now I can’t imagine myself without her. She’s almost 3- i travel with her wherever i can. It just takes more planning. We do the same things as We did before, just in a different way.

I felt completely ready to have a baby when I did (31), I wasn’t very sociable anymore , my partying days were behind me and lived quite a ‘boring’ life.
Still, it was a shock to the system. Just the complete lack of freedom. The mental load that a baby takes up. Even your alone time isn’t yours anymore; my brain is entirely taken over by my baby.
My baby is the most incredible little thing and I couldn’t be without them. They have enhanced my life entirely but I still have days where I think ‘wow, I wish I’d had more lie-ins’ or ‘I wish I’d appreciated eating in nice restaurants a bit more’ etc. Even just appreciating being able to clean the house efficiently or have an easy day doing very little.
What I’m trying to say is, they are wonderful but your life won’t be your own again (for a good while at least) so I would recommend waiting a year or so if you don’t feel entirely ready. It makes complete sense that you feel like you’ve missed out on two years of living because of covid. And 30 is young! You do have time!
(Ps. This post sounds really negative, I utterly adore my child and wouldn’t change them for the world. They definitely make my life better, just much harder!)

If you are on the fence don't do it. It's hard enough having a child when it is what you 100% want

I'm sorry to say, I don't think that travelling with a baby or child is like the travelling you can do without a child. It's very different as it is centered around their comfort. Much more limiting, and the care of a baby or child is actual work.

Okay firstly, you’re not old, you could leave it another 10 years if you wanted and probably still have a decent chance of having a family (obviously lesser odds than you have now but still possible).

I was the same as you, I’m the same age but my reasons for not wanting one were due to this overwhelming fear of the whole pregnancy/birth thing. I just didn’t see how I’d get through all of that, survive and produce a healthy baby 🙈 The birth was my number one fear on earth and pretty much always has been, I’ve spent years of my life worrying about it. I had decided in my anxious mind that if I waited til 40 and died giving birth it wouldn’t be so bad because I’d have lived a bit longer 😂😃 Something came over me last year, I’d imagine it’s the ‘broody’ feeling most women have the entire time but for some reason it took until I was almost 30 to even arrive in my life. I just knew I NEEDED a baby. I was a bit put off by the fact I’d never sleep again and I’d heard some amount of horror stories about the whole sleep thing, the rest of it (as a teacher) I knew I could cope with. Had a lovely calm c-section, it was the absolute dream. Like if I’d known how amazing it was going to be my whole life I could have saved myself years of worry! Then came the sleep issue… or not 😅 I don’t know where they found this baby but oh my god, he loves sleep. He’s 8 months now and the last time I saw him during the night (between the hours of 7pm and 7.30am) was when he was 6 weeks old. People LOVE to try and put you down though when you’ve had a positive experience. I’ll mention the fact he sleeps and someone will say ‘oh just wait, it’s the toddler years you’ve got to worry about’. At the start it was ‘newborns are sleepy, just wait til he’s a few months old’. I have dogs and they are probably about 10 times more work than he is! He’s just this little sleepy person I take about with me and he’s quite funny too! 😊 do it I say! Or wait a few years til that wave of ‘I want one’ hits you then do it. It might be awful, who knows, but it also might be great

I love my baby girl to death and can't imagine my life withouth her but to be honest sometimes it is so hard on me (and my dh) that we think why the hell did we wanted this?
I also hated my pregnancy and don't get the women who feel so pretty and cute and shiny..
I felt like a cow, gained 25kg, burped all the time, had severe reflux, nausea and couldn't sleep.
Now I have a way too active baby that is teething and whines all day long.
I do understand her cause it hurts and it breaks my heart that i cannot take her pain away but it is very hard on me as well. So i say to ppl if you reaaaally reaaally want a baby then do it but if you already have doubts then maybe think again.

Best of luck

@sarah13xx

Okay firstly, you’re not old, you could leave it another 10 years if you wanted and probably still have a decent chance of having a family (obviously lesser odds than you have now but still possible).

I was the same as you, I’m the same age but my reasons for not wanting one were due to this overwhelming fear of the whole pregnancy/birth thing. I just didn’t see how I’d get through all of that, survive and produce a healthy baby 🙈 The birth was my number one fear on earth and pretty much always has been, I’ve spent years of my life worrying about it. I had decided in my anxious mind that if I waited til 40 and died giving birth it wouldn’t be so bad because I’d have lived a bit longer 😂😃 Something came over me last year, I’d imagine it’s the ‘broody’ feeling most women have the entire time but for some reason it took until I was almost 30 to even arrive in my life. I just knew I NEEDED a baby. I was a bit put off by the fact I’d never sleep again and I’d heard some amount of horror stories about the whole sleep thing, the rest of it (as a teacher) I knew I could cope with. Had a lovely calm c-section, it was the absolute dream. Like if I’d known how amazing it was going to be my whole life I could have saved myself years of worry! Then came the sleep issue… or not 😅 I don’t know where they found this baby but oh my god, he loves sleep. He’s 8 months now and the last time I saw him during the night (between the hours of 7pm and 7.30am) was when he was 6 weeks old. People LOVE to try and put you down though when you’ve had a positive experience. I’ll mention the fact he sleeps and someone will say ‘oh just wait, it’s the toddler years you’ve got to worry about’. At the start it was ‘newborns are sleepy, just wait til he’s a few months old’. I have dogs and they are probably about 10 times more work than he is! He’s just this little sleepy person I take about with me and he’s quite funny too! 😊 do it I say! Or wait a few years til that wave of ‘I want one’ hits you then do it. It might be awful, who knows, but it also might be great

😅😅 I posted my reply and then i read what you wrote.. Can you tell me your secrets?? I don't remember the last time i slept. I have a 6 mo old and she is so agitated at night plus during the day doesn't sleep more than 30 min and I have to walk her around until she falls asleep. I tried everything! I think some people are blessed by angels with babies like yours 😅 Might be that I am being punished by something.

I had my first baby age 32. It was perfect. When I was 30 I didn't feel anywhere near ready! I was partying and travelling etc etc (and you've lost a few fun years due to covid!)

Tell your boyfriend you aren't quite ready and want to delay a year or so!