Tired of being happy for everyone else

[shrimpbarbie]

NC for this.

Is anyone else absolutely sick and tired of being the TTC friend, with no baby, that has to constantly be happy and excited for everyone else, while their own life is just a complete mess. I am so exhausted from it all.

I had a miscarriage last year, after 2 years of TTC. We're back into the thick of it with TTC and undergoing even more tests. In a friend group of 5, all have either had babies in 2021, or are currently pregnant and due soon (1 baby is due weeks away from when mine would have been). Life just feels like constant baby showers and announcements at the moment. I've been to so many in the past month alone!

My friends are great, really lovely girls. But I am just so tired of having to be happy for them. It is draining all my energy. Our WhatsApp group is just constant baby chat, or photos of babies ALL DAY. They do check in with me, and ask about me and what I've been up to etc, but as their lives are obviously taken over by children at the minute, the conversations just drift that way naturally and it just becomes the focus of the chat.

I feel so conflicted, because I am happy for them. They all deserve everything and more in life. But I am also just so sad. The sadness is consuming me, and making me not want to hang around with these girls. These are girls I've been friends with for 15+ years, but it is just so hard at the moment. The WhatsApp's are so unhealthy for my mental health, but I can't just leave and avoid my entire friendship circle until I am someday hopefully lucky enough to have a baby.

The one friend who is due around my due date, I find particularly hard to be around. Especially as it is coming up soon. I just want what she has so much. She is lovely in that she clearly tries not to talk about the pregnancy around me, unless someone else brings it up, but that doesn't even help because I feel like a horrible friend not asking her, and not checking how she is. But even hearing her answer hurts me. How selfish is that?? I just can't get my head around all these feelings I have.

Every picture they send, or every little story they have, physically hurts me. I hate feeling like this.

I really feel your pain and yes it is pain as even though you're obviously a lovely person who has continued to be a good friend, you have been through a lot with your m/c and it's hard not to constantly compare when it's shoved in your face so regularly. In another group, I've seen very similar posts and I don't know if you're aware of the Law of Attraction but the basic premise is like attracts like. So when you're feeling that 'lack' and desperation, the lack of not having that baby that you're trying so hard for, is what you attract back. The advice is and the advice I've found helpful is to genuinely celebrate and feel deep gratitude for their baby news, their milestones etc. as the theory is even bitterness in private (completely natural btw) could be a blockage. A simple way of doing this is writing a gratitude list of about ten things- so it could be that you're with a partner that you want to have a baby with, you have a decent home for your future baby, you're grateful you have a good friendship group who will be there for you during your pregnancy etc. Your time is coming and this goodwill and positive mindset will come back to you in abundance. Take care.

@Tigergirl37 thank you so much. I really do love the idea of this, will try it. My negativity is really getting me down.

@shrimpbarbie I really feel for you, I have a similar friendship group that I love to pieces but it's just so difficult to be around them, contribute to the chat and get involved in their lives as much as I would like to. I don't want them not to share things In front of me as I would hate them to treat me any different but at the same time it can be really upsetting and triggering being around them when a lot of the convo is baby and children chat. I'm so so happy for them but incredibly jealous and I find those emotions really hard to balance.
The last few months I've found TTC mentally really difficult and I've found myself taking a bit of step back socially and have actually referred myself for counselling because it's getting me so down.
Not sure what to advise as i'm still struggling with it but I just wanted you to know you're not alone in this feeling ❤️ it's bloody horrible to say the least!

I think it's really interesting what you said about it @Tigergirl37 , I'm going to try this . It makes sense really. Thank you xxx

@Mariabombia thank you. It is good to know someone understands. There are times I just feel like a horrible person. But I know I'm a good friend. I take an interest, I buy presents, I listen, I celebrate. But I then sit and drive myself crazy wishing for a life I don't have.

I considered counselling after the MC but I never got further than looking up some people close by. I think I could really do with it though. I know I have been putting it off, but I think I need to do something and make a change. TTC is taking over my life, and I feel like I'm not even living properly so something definitely needs to change.

Thanks again, appreciate your thoughts x

Hey @shrimpbarbie how you doing today?

It's so hard I know, I completely get it. I feel like friends can be so insensitive about it all too but I'm conflicted as I wouldn't want them to act differently around me so can't really blame people when I can't even say exactly how they should be.

Please try not to beat yourself about it all, you sound like a great friend but sometimes you may just need to take a step back for your own mental health and your friends should understand this if they're true friends. That might mean saying no to one of their kids parties or not going to a baby shower but you need to look after yourself too.

So I still haven't got an appointment for counselling , apparently it will take 3 months from when I get a letter about it, which I haven't got yet, I really hate to sound so self entitled but I can't believe how much of a wait that is. Debating whether or not I should go private but then it's just so expensive!!

I think you should at least enquire about it if you think it would be beneficial for you as it might take a long time like mine.

Xx

It is very hard. I just spent a week with a friend and her baby and it hurts! I try to remember that both emotions coexist - joy for them and pain for me. One doesn't detract from the other. I can make decisions based on one (for example muting the chat) without it meaning I don't care.

@shrimpbarbie You've really been through it - I can't imagine being in your position. I'm TTC too and find pregnant friends especially difficult to be around.

I think therapy is definitely a good idea. It's helped me immeasurably. I went to a Gestalt therapist and she was amazing.

I disagree with @Tigergirl37 to be honest. I think that you are allowed to have negative feelings or bitterness in private. You're perfectly entitled to feel your feelings - they are natural and don't make you a bad person. You are clearly a very good, kind and loving person and you are doing extraordinarily well given the very difficult position you are in.

I think you should pursue the therapy option and learn how to deal with these feelings, and to stop equating natural emotions with being a bad person or similar.

Best of luck. Hopefully we'll all get there in the end.

@shrimpbarbie - unfortunately I can very well relate to your experience. I had mc last year and all my friends had babies in the same year / not far off from my due date. I am happy for them but at the same time it makes me angry. I'm even angry at my neighbor who is currently pregnant. Angry and jealous at the same time.

I told my friends how I feel and for now I'm simply trying to avoid them or try arranging things where I'm less exposed to the babies.

I don't know if I 'll ever be able to get over this until my own baby comes one day (if that's ever going to happen by the way things are going now).

It might be good idea to have some therapy or just try doing some nice things for myself instead. That's all we can do

Really respect your point of view @Somatronic but just to clarify I wasn't in any way suggesting that @shrimpbarbie was a bad person for feeling what she feels - I have felt exactly the same- crippling jealously and deep hurt - I was suggesting something positive that she could do that could be done before or alongside counselling.

Thank you all so much.

You have no idea how comforting it is to know people understand. Looking at the situation, I do need to take a step back I think. At the moment I just don't think it's healthy for me to continue the way I am. I need to put myself first.

I've spoken with my GP, and the waiting list for counselling on NHS seems ridiculous. So I think I'll go private, I'm just trying to figure out funds at the moment. It's hard because we are saving for IVF, so I've been very careful with money but I think I need to prioritise my mental health right now. I am just so exhausted.

I haven't spoken to my friends about how I've been feeling, I don't want them to be annoyed or act differently around me. But i am suffering, and I think I need some space.

Thanks again, I really do appreciate your thoughts and views on the situation. I have been holding it all in for so long so it feels good to let it out.

@shrimpbarbie I feel like you have taken the words right out of my mouth, I've been feeling exactly the same. All my friend and family group chats are all constantly about babies and pregnancy, and I feel so alone. Me and my sister got pregnant around the same time, but I sadly had a MC, so now I find it so hard hearing about her pregnancy. The negativity gets me so down too and I wish I didn't feel like it, but it really helps to know I'm not alone in this. I would recommend therapy if you can, I recently had a session and it really did help to remind me that these feelings are valid and normal and not to feel guilty for that. Her advice to me was to think 'what would you tell a friend in your position?'.

As you said, you are suffering and you need to nurture and care for yourself. If that means muting the chats and taking some space away, then do that. Your friends will understand 💛

@Tigergirl37 sorry I never meant to suggest that you were saying that she was a bad person! I know that's not what you were saying. I just mean that sometimes positivity talk can lead to people feeling bad for not always being positive or for having negative thoughts etc. I think they call it toxic positivity.

@Somatronic thanks for coming on to post that