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Original poster

Should we have a baby at 38?

30 replies

WiganLass1984 · 13/03/2022 19:05

My husband & I have been together 11 & a half years, married for 6 & have a son each (ages 18 & 20). I ruled out another baby right at the beginning of our relationship but now I'm 37 & he's 41 we are wondering if we made the right decision & if it's too late. I'm interested to hear from couples in a similar position. I keep thinking it would be better if it just happened by accident as we would cope somehow, but actually making the decision is difficult as childcare to think of, money, support etc. I'm in a well paid job, my husband is ok but I still think if we both worked full time or paying full time nursery we wouldn't have much left over. I don't want to have to cut days down at work really and even if I did it would still involve expensive child care...

OP posts:
rattlemehearties · 13/03/2022 19:14

Why would you want to go back to the really tough babyhood years when you're just regaining your time to yourself now your respective children are older? You'd be at the school gates for most of your 40s. Nearly 60 when she or he leaves home. I think you should embrace that you had your children young and now enter a new phase of your life.

Original poster
WiganLass1984 · 13/03/2022 21:17

@rattlemehearties

Why would you want to go back to the really tough babyhood years when you're just regaining your time to yourself now your respective children are older? You'd be at the school gates for most of your 40s. Nearly 60 when she or he leaves home. I think you should embrace that you had your children young and now enter a new phase of your life.
I always felt we missed out on being parents together, my first pregnancy was at 16 & it wasn't a happy time - it was a negative thing to me & all around me, this time would be different. It does feel there's something missing
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T4Opal · 13/03/2022 21:20

Sounds like you’ve answered yourself OP. Why not give it a shot and let nature make your decision?

duvetdayforeveryone · 13/03/2022 21:20

@T4Opal

Sounds like you’ve answered yourself OP. Why not give it a shot and let nature make your decision?
This.
FrangipanFlower · 13/03/2022 21:23

I’m 41 and just had my second. DH is 44. The recovery from the birth/post natal complications was harder compared with my pregnancy when I was 34 but I’ve enjoyed the baby stage so much more. I’m enjoying my mat leave enormously buy under illusions that things will be tough financially when I go back to work in a few months. But I wouldn’t change it for the world. She is my everything

FrangipanFlower · 13/03/2022 21:24

Sorry should have said under ‘no illusions’

FairWindClearSailing · 13/03/2022 21:26

I dont think 38 is too old but you have to think about it you really want to do it all again. Baby years are tough...you'd be going back to lack of sleep, teething, toddler years. Do you really want that?
If you are both on the same page, just stop using contraception and see what happens.
But maybe there was a reason you decided you didn't want anymore 11 years ago?

MissNothing1991 · 13/03/2022 21:30

My mother had me and my older brother at a very young age. She had my much younger brother (by 20 years, 24 to my older brother) at just shy of 42 years of age. Was he a handful? Yes, like most kids. But we wouldn't change a hair on his head and I love him as much as I now love my own child (who he dotes on). He is 11 next month and an absolute joy. I say go for it. I'm 30 and said I would never have another, but I think if I met the right person I would consider it for sure.

LittleWins · 13/03/2022 21:38

I’m 37 and TTC. Most of my friends of the same age are having their first or second baby now. You might be overthinking it.

nodogz · 13/03/2022 21:48

Why not? If you're happy and stable and up for equal parenting - there's no greater joy than bringing up a baby together even with the tiredness and the hard work. Families are all kinds of different shapes.

RedRec · 13/03/2022 21:58

I had my first at 38 and second at 41. Both easy, uncomplicated births. And I have never felt like an 'older mother'.

Original poster
WiganLass1984 · 13/03/2022 22:09

@FrangipanFlower

I’m 41 and just had my second. DH is 44. The recovery from the birth/post natal complications was harder compared with my pregnancy when I was 34 but I’ve enjoyed the baby stage so much more. I’m enjoying my mat leave enormously buy under illusions that things will be tough financially when I go back to work in a few months. But I wouldn’t change it for the world. She is my everything
Thank you so much, I've noticed with some of my friends having babies (not as old as me but early thirties) they seem to enjoy & appreciate everything & didn't with my first, as for Mat leave I only had 18 weeks & spent the whole time praying for it to go quickly so I could get back to seeing adults & working which is sad AO realise now. If not too personal can I ask how you plan to cover child care I.e full time? Are you going back to work full time or unsure yet?
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Original poster
WiganLass1984 · 13/03/2022 22:11

@FairWindClearSailing

I dont think 38 is too old but you have to think about it you really want to do it all again. Baby years are tough...you'd be going back to lack of sleep, teething, toddler years. Do you really want that? If you are both on the same page, just stop using contraception and see what happens. But maybe there was a reason you decided you didn't want anymore 11 years ago?
I'm not under any illusions as I have lots of friends with babies/young children it doesn't put me off though. I actually decided when my son was a baby I would never have any more children I think as it was so hard as a teenager doing it all as a single parent
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Original poster
WiganLass1984 · 13/03/2022 22:12

@nodogz

Why not? If you're happy and stable and up for equal parenting - there's no greater joy than bringing up a baby together even with the tiredness and the hard work. Families are all kinds of different shapes.
Thank you so much for that I completely agree - when I think of having my husband's baby in my arms it makes me well up with emotion I just know we would Work so well together
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Original poster
WiganLass1984 · 13/03/2022 22:14

@RedRec

I had my first at 38 and second at 41. Both easy, uncomplicated births. And I have never felt like an 'older mother'.
That's great to hear! Do you mind me asking how old your children are now? Something someone said earlier about being at the school gate in my 40s then being 60 before the child would move out... I wondered what stage you were at
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Original poster
WiganLass1984 · 13/03/2022 22:18

@T4Opal

Sounds like you’ve answered yourself OP. Why not give it a shot and let nature make your decision?
You're probably right you know!
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ParkheadParadise · 13/03/2022 22:27

I had Dd2 at 38
23 years after Dd1.
She was a surprise arrival I didn't actually know I was pregnant until I was 5 months.
It's a massive shock going back to the baby years I'd forgotten how to make a bottle 😂 then discovered a perfect prep machine.
It changes your life completely I was used to having so much freedom to do what I liked.
Dd2 is 6 and I wouldn't be without her.

Original poster
WiganLass1984 · 13/03/2022 22:28

@ParkheadParadise

I had Dd2 at 38 23 years after Dd1. She was a surprise arrival I didn't actually know I was pregnant until I was 5 months. It's a massive shock going back to the baby years I'd forgotten how to make a bottle 😂 then discovered a perfect prep machine. It changes your life completely I was used to having so much freedom to do what I liked. Dd2 is 6 and I wouldn't be without her.
Wow that's amazing! I think I said earlier it would probably be easier if it happened by accident like yours did as you just have to manage but thinking way too much into it it sounds like. Lovely to hear your daughter is 6 now & all good!
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Cbaby02 · 13/03/2022 22:29

Life is too short for regrets. If this is what you both want, then go for it.
I'm 41, and currently 30wks pregnant with my 3rd child (Dd20 & DS17 from previous relationship). DH is 44 and this is his first DC.
At 41 I am more settled and financially secure than I was in my 20s. I'm enjoying this pregnancy more as it hasn't put me in a blind panic like my earlier ones. Yes being pregnant in your 40s is more tiring, you will probably need more checks etc too, but you won't be the oldest when you attend the clinics! There's so many ladies in their 40s just starting out on their parenthood journey so dont feel you will be alone. 😊
Good luck x

NeverChange · 13/03/2022 22:32

A friend of mine had a baby 2 years ago at 39. Both her and her partner had children in their 20s at the time. They wanted one together and both felt they didn't didn't get to enjoy the baby stage first time around due to worries about confidence, finances etc.

My sister also had very daughter young. She's 16 now and my sister is in her first proper relationship since she was born. Won't be surprised if she has another in the next year or 2.

Only you know what's right for you. Good luck whatever you decide.

Original poster
WiganLass1984 · 13/03/2022 22:33

@Cbaby02

Life is too short for regrets. If this is what you both want, then go for it. I'm 41, and currently 30wks pregnant with my 3rd child (Dd20 & DS17 from previous relationship). DH is 44 and this is his first DC. At 41 I am more settled and financially secure than I was in my 20s. I'm enjoying this pregnancy more as it hasn't put me in a blind panic like my earlier ones. Yes being pregnant in your 40s is more tiring, you will probably need more checks etc too, but you won't be the oldest when you attend the clinics! There's so many ladies in their 40s just starting out on their parenthood journey so dont feel you will be alone. 😊 Good luck x
That's absolutely wonderful to hear, thank you for sharing & so happy for you! This is what I've said - we could regret not going for it not but would obviously never regret a child we actually had x
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Original poster
WiganLass1984 · 13/03/2022 22:34

@NeverChange

A friend of mine had a baby 2 years ago at 39. Both her and her partner had children in their 20s at the time. They wanted one together and both felt they didn't didn't get to enjoy the baby stage first time around due to worries about confidence, finances etc.

My sister also had very daughter young. She's 16 now and my sister is in her first proper relationship since she was born. Won't be surprised if she has another in the next year or 2.

Only you know what's right for you. Good luck whatever you decide.

That's also so wonderful to hear! Thank you so much for sharing I really, really appreciate it x
OP posts:
FrangipanFlower · 13/03/2022 22:35

I’m going back part time (4 days) which is what I did before.

BluebellsGreenbells · 13/03/2022 22:41

My sister was born to my mother at 38 - we three teens were more like parents to her than siblings - she was spoilt rotten with gifts outings etc and all our friends adored her!

flakerake · 13/03/2022 22:51

I had DS2 at 38, 19 years after having DS1 as a single mum. It was a very different experience second time around, and going back to the baby stage was a breeze with a DH on board, financial security and as a SAHM. I'm 42 now and pg again. Just be aware that having a baby as an older mum comes with more risks and uncertainty- took longer to conceive than I'd have liked and had to deal with a TFMR, lots at my age have dealt with miscarriages and IVF too although personally I didn't. Physically pregnancy has felt fine, but I have gestational diabetes and needed c-sections for medical reasons.