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Conception

When's the best time to get pregnant? Use our interactive ovulation calculator to work out when you're most fertile and most likely to conceive.

Original poster

Husband’s impotent but only when we try for a baby.

28 replies

br1tn3y · 12/03/2022 14:46

Hi,

I’m new on here as I don’t know what to do anymore.

I have wanted a baby for over 4 years since I have been with my husband and we have lived together basically. I wanted to come off the pill before I got married almost 4 years ago and my husband didn’t allow it. He also didn’t allow it when we did get married in case I got pregnant immediately like his friends so I waited for him. Then when I did come off the pill I didn’t get pregnant when we tried for over 18 months. But my periods were quite irregular then.
I also was working with pregnant women at that time, and I also had all my friends asking me about their pregnancies so it was quite stressful and upsetting for me. I also used to work in fertility as well and I’ve never really wanted to go down that route as I would find it very stressful so I just want to keep trying. I deceived to leave my job and had to start a completely new career just over a year ago.

Then over the pandemic my husband then started to have impotence problems. They would only happen at the times when we should be having sex not other times. It went on for almost 2 years. And I was very patient and supportive but it was awful. He would get really upset and I was very frustrated that he couldn’t perform. I bought toys etc to try and he’ll the situation as well.
He wouldn’t allow me to talk to anyone about all these problems either and I have become quite reclusive and have anxiety when I meet people now they’re going to talk about babies. I avoid parties and family gatherings.
He decided to take a step back and he got some therapy which he didn’t tell me about but it helped and I thought he was fixed. So I asked to started trying again and the importance came back and we didn’t try last month. I became very upset about it and basically cried all day.
When I’ve talked to him he just wants me to have IVF. I don’t want to have IVF for lots of reasons- the cost, I’ve just restarted a career and all the appointments would be mean I’d have to leave that career and I don't like injections of hormones and it might not work. He also thinks I’m going to leave him.
I just want to try the normal way but it’s just impossible. I am now too scared to try and have sex with him at all as I think it will just end in disappointment. I’d much rather adopt than go down the IVF route but adopting is something he won’t consider.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know anyone who’s had these problems. Viagra doesn’t work either on him as it’s a mental problem not a physical one. I feel really depressed and lonely and I find the weekends really hard now. I have anxiety that I am getting older and I also feel angry towards my husband that he’s controlled when I’ve come off the pill and now just wants me to have IVF and it’s just a simple answer. I am also angry that he is just impotent when we try for a baby and other times he’s completely normal. Has anyone had anything similar? I don’t know what to do 😓

OP posts:
GeraniumCedarwood · 12/03/2022 15:25

Have you considered artificial insemination at home OP?

My DP has performance issues too. You just need a sterile pot and syringe- you can read online about it x

anotherbloodyyearofcovid · 12/03/2022 15:27

He REALLY doesn't want a baby.

MNSVigilante · 12/03/2022 15:27

I don't think your husband wants to have a baby by the sounds of it.

Unsureaboutit9 · 12/03/2022 15:30

He ‘controlled’ when you came off the pill because he didn’t want a baby, he’s absolutely allowed to not want a baby. The problem is it potentially makes you incompatible if you want different things. What does he say when you ask him if he’s actually ready for a baby now? Can you do counselling together for this?

Hugasauras · 12/03/2022 15:30

Get him to jizz in a cup and stick it up there with a syringe, if it really is just performance-related impotence. Penises can be fickle beasts.

bangaverage · 12/03/2022 15:32

The way you talk about him is quite horrible TBH. 'I thought he was fixed' - WTF? It sounds as though you're putting a lot of pressure on him and I wouldn't be surprised if that was contributing towards the issues.

Perhaps he just doesn't want a baby. It really isn't that great having one and maybe he sees that. But you have to decide whether it's more important than your marriage.

WouldIwasShookspeared · 12/03/2022 15:33

I agree with pp. He doesn't want a baby.

TeaNCupcakes · 12/03/2022 15:38

Pressure may be causing the impotence. I fear he has strung you along and doesn't want kids. But if he's suggested IVF then consider home artificial insemination.

PrettyPolly92 · 12/03/2022 16:18

Hello OP,

That sounds very upsetting and I can relate to certain aspects. I’ve been ready for a baby for the past couple of years and he has told me previously he just hasn’t been ready. He’s always been very open about wanting a family and has finally agreed to trying as our circumstances (career wise and financially) are good, but he is absolutely terrified at the same time. Having a baby is a massive life altering event isn’t it ☺️

I think the important thing here is has he said he wants a baby?

If not then maybe you need to ask him. If he has said he definitely wants a baby then maybe you could just not tell him when you’re in the fertile window/ovulating?

Lots of women like to make it a science project (I’m guilty of this) but when I told my OH I was going to track ovulation he said he’d rather not know when I’m ovulating so that we can just enjoy ourselves xx

JuneBug94 · 12/03/2022 16:19

From the way you speak of him, it really sounds like you're putting too much pressure on him. This may in turn put him off having a baby. Or he may just not want to have a baby.

If that's the case you need to think about if you're really compatible.

ValkyrieVik · 12/03/2022 16:28

It's sounds like he is under a lot of pressure to "perform" - and that he isn't really on board with having a baby. Wanting you to go through the trauma of IVF when he is (presumably?) able to get you pregnant naturally is bonkers.

I wanted to come off the pill before I got married almost 4 years ago and my husband didn’t allow it

And this is very telling language - it sounds very controlling and you sound resentful. Are you sure you even want a baby with him? Or are you just desperate to have a baby full stop?

I would step back and try to just get back to enjoying yourselves - no talk of babies etc and just try to have lots of sex and have fun!

AthenaPopodopolous · 12/03/2022 16:29

This guy doesn’t want to start a family so do yourself a favour and get a divorce before your fertility runs out. Alternatively what do you think he would do if you ‘accidently’ fell pregnant?

CantStandMeCow · 12/03/2022 16:31

I don’t understand why there’s a differentiation between baby-making sex and normal sex? If he does want a baby (not convinced) then just stop monitoring ovulation and do it throughout the month, then he won’t know either way.

Sunsetmom · 12/03/2022 16:52

Sounds like your putting waaaayyy to much pressure on him! Why is it baby making sex and normal sex…. Just have sex and see what happens! Stop trying to control the situation!!

gogohm · 12/03/2022 16:56

How about stopping talking about having a baby or any of the modern ttc stuff and go back to just having unprotected sex. Do watch your alcohol intake and take a suitable multivitamin but don't mention to him. No pressure this way

Aquamarine1029 · 12/03/2022 17:01

@anotherbloodyyearofcovid

He REALLY doesn't want a baby.
Exactly this. You're wasting your time with him.
JudyGemstone · 12/03/2022 17:16

Viagra will work on his erection but not necessarily on ability to ejaculate.

Maybe stop talking about it and have sex ‘naturally’ without all the fanfare.

SpacePotato · 12/03/2022 17:26

Stop pandering to him. He has continually controlled your fertility and clearly has no desire to get you pregnant at all.
In my book this means he got you to marry him under false pretences and with false promises.

Funny how he's fine when he knows you can't get pregnant isn't it.
He wouldn't allow you to stop the pill? Seriously? How dare he.

I couldn't stay with a man who had very obviously deceived me.

TheDaydreamBelievers · 12/03/2022 21:22

I am also concerned about the "didn't allow it" about coming off the pill.

I do think TTC sex is a lot of pressure for guys. I agree that jizz in a cup plus syringe is a good call. If he won't do that, then there's bigger issues here about whether he wants them

ChoiceMummy · 12/03/2022 22:34

It really does sound like the pressure of we must ttc today stage fright.
Have you considered home insemination or even just easing off and not telling him when its ovulation and just embarking upon a sexual relationship with no contraception and "no pressure".

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/03/2022 22:45

I realise this is in conception but there are some major issues here about your marriage. Why is he not allowing so much and why are you going along with it? Did you have anxiety before you were with him? Do you think a lot of it is down to him?

I don’t think adding a baby to this is wise, even if he could get it up reliably. I hear your pain at not having been able to conceive and I really feel for you. But you need to unpick all these other issues first.

IsabelHerna · 13/03/2022 18:27

I think you're skipping like 10 steps in between. Okay he tried therapy, and he was fixed?! In how many sessions? It takes time, and at the same time you guys should have fertility and couples counselling on top of that.

Also, okay you want to have a baby the 'natural way', but you tried for 18 months (a long time ago) and it didn't happen, so you should be having fertility investigations, at least some blood tests.

After all of these, and if everything is clear then you can try home insemination, or proceed with IUI, or any other idea your fertility counsellor has to offer you.

winterchills · 13/03/2022 18:38

Your wasting your time by the sound of it, he doesn't want a baby.

seven201 · 13/03/2022 19:03

I'm another one advocating the cup and syringe. We've been ttc for over 4 years now and now sometimes use a syringe and cup just because we're so fed up of ttc sex. I've fallen pregnant twice that way, just not been able to stay pregnant. Can he masturbate during your fertile window ok?

cherryonthecakes · 13/03/2022 19:39

He doesn't really want a baby.

(If he agrees) stop telling him when you are or aren't fertile so you have sex for the sake of having sex. Sex on fertile days only is very clinical.

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