Should my baby daddy pay child support, even though he doesn't want a child?

[Dizoko]

Here's the story. I found out about 3 years ago, I have PCOS with a blocked tube and was told I would always struggle to have a child. My most recent ex partner has recently changed his mind about being unsure whether he wants to be a father, to absolutely does not want one. I have not been on birth control for a year now, as my body doesn't work well with any that I have tried and my ex knew this. Well. We broke up about 2 months ago, and had a one night stand. 4 weeks later and I'm pregnant. I told the dad, but he has stated he categorically does not want anything to do with the child and wants me to get rid of it. I've decided I want to keep it, since I don't know how easy it's going to be for me conceive again.
So here's my question. Should the baby dad be paying child support.
Reasons I think he should are

1. He had sex with me. Knowing that I'm not on any contraception.
2. I've been telling him for about 6 months that he should get a vasectomy.
3. I asked him the night to wear a condom. He "doesn't like them".
4. Its his baby at the end of the day.

Reason I believe he shouldn't

1. He made it clear before we conceived he doesn't want a child. Ever.
2. He doesn't want to be on the birth certificate, or have any contact at all. Ever. He wants to pretend it doesn't exist.
3. We discussed if I get got pregnant, I'd probably get an abortion (I never thought I'd get pregnant so didn't really put much thought into it)

I'm very confused and have no idea what to do. Thanks in advance!

there's a baby being brought into a situation where they will grow up knowing their dad didn't want anything to do with them and that's so sad.

This is a real consideration and incredibly often overlooked in the argument that it's solely the Woman's choice - the Child should be taken into consideration too. My Dad walked away when I was 3 months old and never looked back. Didn't want me, despite going on to have more kids with the OW shortly afterward. All through my childhood was talk of court dates and maintenance and the CSA and the battle to get him to pay up (it's a long story but he went to great lengths to hide his income and pay the absolute bare minimum, while my half-siblings were at private school and on regular Caribbean holidays).

I never usually condone secrets in a family but I honestly wonder if my life and particularly my self-esteem and attitude to / behaviour around Men as an Adult would have been different if all ties had been severed and I'd have grown up thinking I was a donor baby, rather than having a Dad who actively did not want me.

I personally wouldn't want his money and I wouldn't put him on the BC. (Although I would jot down his name and last known number and address and paper clip it to the certificate, for the sake of my baby in the future. Most people do want to know where they "came from".)

That's my outlook.

The law however, is clear. It's his child and you can tap him up for maintenance if you want to. You don't need to do lists of pros and cons, you just need to decide what you want to do.

He will make collecting the money difficult and it will be stressful. The CMS is a stressful shambles of an organisation to deal with.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, OP!! :)

If he pays, is he likely to want contact? Why would you want to co-parent with a man who resents you for having the child?

I don't necessarily agree with arguments like 'he should pay because it would be bad for the child if he doesn't'. Isn't it more detrimental to the baby to bring them into a situation where they either have a dad that wants nothing to do with them and is being forced to pay, or having to spend every other weekend with a man who doesn't want them?

Yes he should pay! What he "feels" is irrelevant really. He chose to have unprotected sex with you and was more than happy for you to go through an abortion so he could have a nice and comfy, condom free shag! Get this user out of your life and get the child support that your child is entitled to when the baby is born. Move forwards with your baby and make the best life for both of you. If he doesn't want contact, so be it. His loss. I was a single mother for years and me and my daughter have an incredible bond now. He needs to realise you can't go around putting your sperm into women and then be shocked at the result. I wish you all the best with your pregnancy. Keep moving forward.

Of course he should pay. It's his child

This is very simple. Don't want to be a father = keep it in your pants.

So he knew you were not on contraception, you asked him to wear a condom and he refused?

That fucker does not have the high ground. Yes, go after him for child support. It's not about you, it's about the person you created together who is going to need financial support.

It baffles me why women want to bring a child into the world when the father wants nothing to do with them.

I guess you didn't read her full post then... Anyway, life is messy. My father walked away when I was three and had nothing to do with me since then. Should he have smothered me with a pillow on the way out? I haven't suffered from his absence at all, probably because my mother had always done the role of both anyway.

He is not 'your' baby daddy. Is the child's father, regardless of how he feels and he has a responsibility to them.
I hate 'baby daddy' as a phrase, I think it distracts that the responsibility is towards the child. The child he helped make. Doesn't matter if you were on contraception and he wore a condom, nothing is full proof. There's always a possibility it could result in a baby.
Of course he has to pay child support. He can go cry about it at his next MRA meeting and how stupid women shouldn't have autonomy over their bodies but because they do, it should absolve men of any responsibility. What is wrong with him?
What a disgusting excuse of a human being.

Sex education is lacking if people don't know that sex can result in a baby. Even with contraception. Even with your medical issue. Sex is marketed solely as means of enjoyment, so maybe people are confused/forgot about its other/primary biological purpose. Reproduction. Or is it people don't care now and just think they can use abortion as contraception. Disgusting, tbh. Even before thinking about money, it's a sack of shit man that can say something like this.. He doesn't want contact .Ever. And " He wants to pretend it doesn't exist." Well it Does exist. Does he realise this kid is going to be born, is a real human being and HIS CHILD? For the child's whole life he wants him to have this impression of his 'father'? What an irresponsible loser. He's not a man or human at all. Tbh I wouldn't want to ever have anything to do with HIM again.

Anyway,

"He had sex with me. Knowing that I'm not on any contraception."
" I asked him the night to wear a condom. He "doesn't like them".

Contradicts with:
"He made it clear before we conceived he doesn't want a child. Ever."

He needs his dick chopping.

did you want him to carry on after this btw,? Did you enthusiastically consent to sex without a condom? " I asked him the night to wear a condom. He "doesn't like them".

There's no point discussing his feelings or what he wanted or didn't want. It's not up for discussion. If there's a child and he's the father, he should pay child support.

@hauntedbillybass

You're both daft and irresponsible.

This. What a ridiculous situation to put yourself in. You should have protected yourself against pregnancy. But as it is, so should he. He should definitely have to pay.

@BeeDavis

It baffles me why women want to bring a child into the world when the father wants nothing to do with them.

I agree. I’m going to get jumped on here, but I don’t agree with women trying to get pregnant with no intention of at least attempting to bring the baby into a family unit. I know there’s plenty of single mothers doing a wonderful job raising their kids on their own, but I think there’s too many cases of heartbroken children whose fathers have abandoned them to justify getting pregnant with a child who is immediately getting born into a ‘broken’ home. My father abandoned me and ended up adopting two kids in another country that he absolutely worships. I’m almost in my 40’s now and it still upsets me.

If money is all you're thinking about, I really think you should consider whether you want to be a parent.

This child is going to grow up without a father, not because of tragedy or because you used donor sperm to create your desperately-longed-for baby. But because you had a one night stand, unprotected, with a man you'd already decided was not a suitable life partner having previously been in a relationship. Who doesn't want a child. Really, REALLY doesn't want a child. No matter how amazing a mum you had, how do you think it would have affected you growing up to know that your father was so disinterested in you that he wanted to have you aborted?

If you have anything further to do with this 'man', there will be lifelong consequences for your child. If he's paying child support, the child is more likely to know of his existence. If he's paying child support, he might decide he wants contact after all. Or perhaps his parents will decide they want to be grandparents and push for contact? Can you handle 18+ years of co-parenting with a man you can't stand and/or his parents?

It sounds like you want to raise this child. Good on you. I would do everything you can to give your child a fabulous life, one so good that they don't miss having a dad. Remember that your child will come first, always, and relationships with other men will probably have to be non-existent for many many years. Make peace with being single for a long time. Do not even think about introducing a rotation of 'stepdads' into their life.

And while I normally would never advocate lying to a child, if I were in your position I'd seriously consider telling your child that they were a donor baby. At least until they are an adult. I don't know if I would actually do this or not though, to be fair - children do deserve to know where they came from. Even if where they came from was an unwise unprotected one night stand with a 'man' who is utterly irresponsible.

I know this is incredibly blunt of me but please, please think of how your day to day life will pan out over the next 18+ years when considering how to proceed. Flapping over whether or not he should fund a child is not the issue. This is not a property or even a pet. It is a PERSON.

@hauntedbillybass

You're both daft and irresponsible.

This. You’re as bad as each other.

Well that’s a load of bollocks.

A nice point by point analysis there well done, you should be a laywer. Care to disprove anything that I have just written - maybe you could then make a good Judge too?

No clue what @SubterfugeMe is going on about BUT the OP started this thread in February (and never returned to it) so I think any response now is a bit irrelevant.

What about being a single parent? And all that it entails?

personally I’d rather have a clean slate and preferably have all my children to the same man!

step parenting is challenging

mind there’s a few women on MN today announcing similar scenarios to you and delighted with their £800 maintenance package!

not thinking the money will stop, he will quit his job, blah blah

it’s a risk you take though

Ah thanks @shinynewapple22 should have noticed!!

Technically speaking, yes he should pay. You now have a child to rear and he should help as you were both very irresponsible. On the flipside, and ive seen this situation play out many times with friends, you will struggle to get any commitment from him. He will dip in and out and provide an awful example to your child. If you're set on keeping the child, then I'd do it alone. No negativity. No stress. If all youre interested in is the money, you can ask the government to take it directly from his paycheck but id certainly keep contact at a minimum
good luck

Baby daddy 😂😂😂

The response is not irrelevant as the post can be an education for others regardless of the seperation of time between the question and the answer.