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Conception

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Original poster

Don't know how I feel about this baby

26 replies

babydilemma · 02/01/2008 14:31

I've name changed for this.

I'm 8 weeks pregnant - unplanned and I haven't told my partner (or anyone else in RL). I'll be 42 at my due date. I have one child and I am not at all sure I want another, and I don't think my partner wants one either - though I suspect he could be persuaded if I really, really wanted another baby. But I think I need to know how I feel before I talk to him.

How do I find out how I feel? I feel uncharacteristically confused.

OP posts:
babydust333 · 02/01/2008 14:33

What did you feel when you got pregnant with your first? was it a long time ago?

Original poster
babydilemma · 02/01/2008 14:35

Four years ago. Pretty much the same feelings as now.

OP posts:
lulumama · 02/01/2008 14:35

you need to be quite brutal i think , and weigh up all the pros and cons of having another child... did you have a contraception failure?

what is your gut reaction? and what is your sneaking feeling? is it more of a or more of a

hazygirl · 02/01/2008 14:37

hope you decide whats best and im sure you will love to bits if u do have it ,im 42 and mine are 24,22,and 16 and grandkids 4,3 and 13 weeks ,i think im envious of youxx

scorpio1 · 02/01/2008 14:37

agree with pros and cons, even make a list?

could you not tell your dp? he might be able to help you. are you worried about his reaction?

is the age thing a big deal for you?

Original poster
babydilemma · 02/01/2008 14:38

I'm thinking that I (and DH) cannot face the restrictions on our lives that a new baby would bring.

Yes, contraception failure. Didn't really believe it, so didn't do pregnancy test for ages.

OP posts:
FioFio · 02/01/2008 14:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
babydilemma · 02/01/2008 14:40

Yes, I could tell him, but I think he will be even more confused than I am and won't help me clarify my thinking - I'll be the one trying to clarify his (this is quite a usual pattern in our couple) and so I really need to sort out my own feelings first.

OP posts:
cheshirekat · 02/01/2008 14:40

Wow, this is a toughy!

I'm not going to give you advice, i'm just going to tell you a short story about my mum.

She had been married since she was 18, had three kids (including me) by the time she was 24. After 18 years of marriage she and my dad divorced.

Not long after this she started seeing my dad's best friend (although i suspect this was happening before the divorce), she had a coil fitted, he had a visecotmy (sorry for the spelling - couldn't be bother to look it up), and they were using condoms (thanks for the extra info mum!!!)... dispite all this she fell pregnant at 39. If she wanted to abort she couldn't, she didn't find out she was pregnant until she was 26 weeks! She actually thought that she was going through menopause.

So, at the grand old age of 39 (which, before i offend anyone, isn't old im being sarcastic) she had a little girl who is 15 years younger than her closest sibling (me). She called her Micha and she is now 10 years old.

Some things you can't avoid. I know it's a corny thing to say, but you have to look inside yourself and see how you feel, no one else can tell you.

Oh, and sorry for the boring story i just thought it might help.

Kat
xx

Original poster
babydilemma · 02/01/2008 14:41

Yes, disabilities are always a worry at my advanced age though I would definitely do all possible tests and pay for anything that didn't come as standard.

OP posts:
lulumama · 02/01/2008 14:43

only reason i ask re contraception, is that i know a couple of women who got pregnant in their 40s thinking they were menopausal so did not use contraception.

you need to sort your head out as quickly as you can, which is hard, as if you do not wish to carry on with the pregnancy, the later it gets, the harder it is.

can you speak to someone at family planning clinic, find out where you can get impartial advice or counselling very quickly?

Original poster
babydilemma · 02/01/2008 14:45

Last time I got pregnant I wanted to abort and saw BPAS and made an appointment... but just couldn't do it in the end. They weren't much help, to be honest.

OP posts:
babydust333 · 02/01/2008 14:55

I think you just need to think about whats inportant to you at this stage in your life. do you want more peace and quiet now your in your 40's ? or does running around after your children keep you young?

lulumama · 02/01/2008 14:55

did you never want children? and now you in the position of having one, with another on the way? must be very confusing and distressing. but if you feel the same as last time, and you went on to have the child, do you thikn you can do the same again, or is it just not feasible?

Original poster
babydilemma · 02/01/2008 15:04

I never had any kind of urge to have children, though once I had got used to the idea of having a baby I was fine and I was deliriously happy when I had my DD, I adore her, as does my DH, and we could not imagine life without her. So I suppose that the same would probably happen if I had another baby - though the circumstances would be quite different to first time round (life has changed quite a bit since then).

I don't feel old at all - though I am quite happy to have given up going up late at night etc - and really enjoy my daughter's company. I suppose, if I am honest, that I have seen lots of mothers who had their first at the same time as me subsequently get pregnant again, and two little ones seems so much more work/constraint than one (who you can basically pop under your arm and carry on as usual).

OP posts:
lulumama · 02/01/2008 15:06

if you have this baby, your first child will almost be at school? so you will have time with the baby and time with the older child?

i suppose it depends, as has been said, on what you want to see when you look to the future.

Original poster
babydilemma · 02/01/2008 15:08

She will be at all day school by the time the baby is here. So, yes, I'd have quite a lot of time with the baby on my own, and we could afford some more help in the house or with childcare.

OP posts:
scorpio1 · 02/01/2008 15:10

it really does make a difference when they start school full time.

And good too if you could get a cleaner or something, take the pressure off.

Is your GP nice and would she/he help?

lulumama · 02/01/2008 15:10

so possibly not all doom and gloom and being tied to the house with 2 very young children?

i thikn that you should speak to your DP, sooner rather than later, he might be more help than you realise.

good luck

Original poster
babydilemma · 02/01/2008 15:13

I think I need to think about logistics. I don't think I could cope being tied to the house and I would need more childcare than I am used to (none). And I need to think about the cost of that and how to work it.

My DH also has two older children from his first marriage that we see a lot of, so we are pretty busy.

OP posts:
FioFio · 03/01/2008 11:27

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Message withdrawn

jaype · 03/01/2008 20:14

One thing to remember, based on my own experience, is that having two means they will play together rather than trying to get you to join in, so you'll actually have a bit more time to yourself in the long run. The first year will be hard, but that's just par for the course. After, you may find that having a companion is good for no. 1.

babbi · 03/01/2008 23:06

Understand your shock -though I kind of feel that a second baby is a "prize" for surviving the first !! My first and only DD I got through in a haze of no sleep for 18 months and muddled through learning as I went along.
I feel if another were to come along I would perhaps enjoy it much better as I kind of know what I am doing now IYSWIM. Sorry to witter on but just wanted to point out that second may be much easier than the first ??
I will be 40 in the summer and share your thoughts of being older re new babies - something to think about but not stress over.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do..

madamez · 03/01/2008 23:12

You're referring to what has happened as a 'baby' rather than 'pregnancy' or'situation' or 'problem' which may be some sort of indication about how you are feeling. SOmething that might be helpful is to kind of picture yourself with two different outcomes: supposing you were advised by a doctor that you couldn;t continue the pregnancy for medical reasons, how would you feel? Or supposing you were told that you had muddled your dates and were in fact too far advanced in the pregnancy to terminate it?

ANd I had my (unplanned and very unexpected) DS at 39 and he is healthy, NT and much loved. GOod luck.

KristinaM · 03/01/2008 23:14

re the age thing - i had babies at 42 and 43 and we were all fine. not unplanned though.....

i also had a 4 year gap between children #3 and #4 and i thought that was GREAT - one started school when the new baby was 3 months old

it took the focus off the new baby and i was able to get lots more rest while she was out all day

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