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Conception

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Original poster

Trying at 40, should I be content with the children I already have

21 replies

HazyDays81 · 09/02/2022 22:36

I am very lucky to already be mum to 3 boys age 11, 8 and 3. I have longed for another baby for a while. DH wasn’t keen at first but then came round to the idea. We have been trying for 9 months and nothing has happened so far. I’m aware it can take a lot longer, especially as I’m now 40. I guess my question is should I just be content with my 3 boys and to gradually having more time to myself now they’re getting older. My eldest is autistic and youngest non-verbal so there is a chance another baby may have special needs. I’m just not sure if this feeling of wanting another baby will pass. Any advice greatly appreciated.

OP posts:

lucythejuicy · 09/02/2022 22:38

40 isn't old so that wouldn't bother me. I would be concerned about how you would manage with another child with SN though

Landlubber2019 · 09/02/2022 22:40

It's not something I would consider in your shoes, sorry.

underneaththeash · 09/02/2022 22:41

Err yes. You’re done.

minipie · 09/02/2022 22:43

Sounds like you have a lot on your plate already tbh, and your existing dc will probably benefit from having all your time and energy focused on them, rather than spreading it across a fourth child. I know that urge but sometimes head has to win.

Buzzer3555 · 09/02/2022 22:50

In your situation i would suggest you concentrate on the the family you have. What else are you yearning for?

Lindy2 · 09/02/2022 22:57

I think having 3 children is probably very full on already, especially as 2 have SEN.

I would feel that although I might like the idea of a baby, the reality of actually having to look after 4 children would mean I wouldn't do it.

ZoeTheThornyDevil · 09/02/2022 23:02

With 3 DC already and two having or likely having special needs... I think another is totally nuts.

Under the circumstances, I would expect a fourth child to also have SEN. Quite possibly more severe SEN than your existing DC. You quite likely have some real challenges ahead as the three you already have grow older; why would you take the risk and spread yourself yet thinner? What will a fourth baby give you that the existing three haven't?

You're a grown-up; you don't have to be a slave to your feelings. Feelings pass.

navydear · 09/02/2022 23:27

Absolutely keep trying, wouldn't bother me in the least of future baby was autistic. I would always regret giving up if we both felt that we wanted another child. It may take longer but it will happen, my fourth took 15 months to conceive at 39 whereas my first took one night🙈

MrsSkylerWhite · 09/02/2022 23:30

Personally, I wouldn’t but if you have the time, energy and financial resources for another, obviously it’s your decision.

IDidntKnowItWasAParty · 09/02/2022 23:34

I think it would be mad to try for another. Focus on the 3 you have, it sounds like they need your attention.

D0lphine · 09/02/2022 23:35

@ZoeTheThornyDevil

With 3 DC already and two having or likely having special needs... I think another is totally nuts.

You're a grown-up; you don't have to be a slave to your feelings. Feelings pass.

Are you a doctor specialising in foetal development or SEN?

IDidntKnowItWasAParty · 09/02/2022 23:38

Are you a doctor specialising in foetal development or SEN?

Oh please, you don't need to be a doctor to know that the risks increase significantly at 40+

Yeahthat · 09/02/2022 23:41

I find it incomprehensible that you'd want another.

Maybebaby7 · 09/02/2022 23:50

Hi op, it sounds like you have three lovely children that need a lot of your attention. Personally I would definitely not consider having anymore. They need you and a baby will add so much more to your plate. I would focus on being the best mummy you can to those you are blessed to have. The feeling will pass x

thefamilymadrigal · 09/02/2022 23:59

There is a higher chance of subsequent children having ASD if you already have one autistic child. It’s the main reason I won’t have another- I don’t think I could cope with another child with complex needs, potentially more severe than my DCs.

Enough4me · 10/02/2022 00:04

Why do you want another child, when two of your three DC have additional long term needs?

Surely they come first?

ZoeTheThornyDevil · 10/02/2022 07:12

Are you a doctor specialising in foetal development or SEN?

If only doctors are capable of understanding well-established empirical findings, we're in trouble as a species.

If two out of three of your existing children have SEN, you have much higher odds than average of a fourth child having them too, even if you're 25. You've then got the higher risks at age 40+ on top of that.

D0lphine · 10/02/2022 09:40

@IDidntKnowItWasAParty

Are you a doctor specialising in foetal development or SEN?

Oh please, you don't need to be a doctor to know that the risks increase significantly at 40+

Just wondering whether there was any evidence for this?

I would expect a fourth child to also have SEN. Quite possibly more severe SEN than your existing DC.

Is there any data on her next DC being likely to have SEN or more severe SEN?

Original poster

HazyDays81 · 10/02/2022 13:48

Thank you all for taking the time to reply.

I think the fact I’m thinking about this means I’m having doubts if we should keep trying for another. Although DH came round to the idea I don’t feel like he’s excited by it like when we tried previously and I’m worried he’s agreed because I’ve put pressure on him.

I believe there is a higher risk I could have another child with SN due to having two with SN already and of course there’s more risk of problems when over 40. I imagine if we did have another child with SN it could put a lot of pressure on us as a family.

I feel sad to think I won’t have another baby and hope in a way the feeling passes. My life has been all about raising children for the last 11 years! My youngest will go to school in Sept. Perhaps I do just need to focus on the 3 lovely boys I already have.

Thank again x

OP posts:

Enough4me · 10/02/2022 15:57

OP, my youngest is 12, I'm mid 40s, every now and then I feel sadness that I won't have that new young developing person again but, honestly, I prefer focusing on my DC and having a bit of me time back.

Hopefully in time the positives will help but it isn't possible to not have the what if thoughts

Original poster

HazyDays81 · 10/02/2022 16:12

Thank you for your kind reply Enough4me - yes you’re right. If I had another baby I might still feel like it. I think it’s a combination of turning 40 and not wanting the baby stage to end. I certainly already have my hands full and perhaps I’ll find something new for me to focus on.

OP posts:

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