Anyone struggling to get pregnant with no.2 ?

[homemummy]

I have a dd who will be two next week. My dh and I originally wanted an 18 month gap for our children!!!

We got married when our dd was 11 months old so had to wait and started trying just after Christmas last year. We got pregnant straight away - YAY - but then I had a m/c at 8 weeks. We waited 2 cycles and tried again. I got pregnant straight away - Yay again! - and I was positive that all was going well but then I miscarried again in June at 11 weeks.

That miscarriage was worse and required a D&C. I lost a lot of blood and was anaemic, just escaped having a transfussion! Phew.

Anyway. We didn't go out of our way to prevent pregnancy in July and August but started really trying in Spetember. I have had 3 cycles so far and still not pregnant.

I am beginning to lose hope. It doesn't seem right that I could have got pregnant so easily 3 times and now it is not happening. I'm convinced I am broken - whilst at the same time, trying to remain positive. Hmmm!

I think back to what a shitty year this has been. We've been trying to have a second child for 11 months now. I don't feel like I fall into the infertility category as I have been able to get pregnant in the past and now have only been trying for 3 months. I don't (yet) fall intot he recurrent m/c category as I have (only?!) had two. But, we've still been through 11 months of heartache.

Of course, all friends with children my dds age have already had their second or are due with their second with absolute ease. I get very sad when I go to toddler groups and see other pregnant mums. I try to be excited when people announce their pregnancies to me... but it is getting harder.

Anyone else? I think I need some support.

Homemummy, I could've written your message myself! Very similiar situation. Our DS is two and we started trying for another baby in April of this year. Got pregnant first time but had a missed miscarriage and D&C in June. Started trying again in July and got pregnant second month trying but miscarried a week later.

I too have been concerned as there is such a thing as 'secondary infertility' when someone has trouble getting pregnant after already having a healthy baby. But you and I don't seen to have any difficulty getting pregnant, it seems to be just keeping the pregnancy.

Have you read Lesley Regan's book on miscarriage? It helped me. It explains the causes of miscarriage and convinced me that my two were not necessarily related since one was further along than the other. I've also read that the chances of having a second miscarriage are increased if conception is within three month of a loss.

We've decided to wait until the new year to start trying again. I want to give my body a break. I've been having all my negative post-pregnancy symptom (hair loss, sore joints, etc) and it was really getting me down. I also don't think I'm emotionally ready for the chance of another loss so we're just going to wait a bit and then try agian.

Our chances are very good for having second children so I'm sure it will happen! I've been seeing a miscariage counselor which has helped a great deal. I didn't realise how much I was grieving until I started talking about it with someone. It's really helped me work through my feelings and I feel much more positive about having another baby and life in general! I found my counselor through the hospital where I had my D&C and she's been brilliant.

I know how you feel and it's a terrible thing to be going through. You're definitely not alone though.

Just to let you know your not fully alone,apart from ur m/c you could of been writing about me....Hugs to you xxx

Sorry ...hugs to you both....xxxx

Hi. I don't want to exclude anyone who is having trouble conceiving #2 but hasn't had a miscarriage. Feel free to write your story.

Tex11 - I'm relieved in yet saddened that there is someone else going through what i am going through.

Yes, I have got the Lesley Reagan book and found it a great source of comfort and positivity. I think I spent too much time searching internet boards for 'reasons' and ended up getting more down and negative, convinced something was wrong. Lesley Reagan's book gave me a bump back down to earth.

Perhaps after Christmas if I am not pregnant and feeling blue (doesn't January always have that effect anyway?!) I will go to see the miscarriage counsellor at the hospital. She introduced herself to me after the D&C and seemed lovely but I didn't feel I needed her as I have family for support. But thinking about it now, perhaps I do need someone who will just listen when I am feeling sad.

What kind of things do you talk about? Has the counsellor got experience with miscarriage herself?

Hi Homemummy, I don't know if my counelor has personal miscarriage experience or not. She doesn't really talk about herself. I started out talking about the miscarriages and basically crying a lot but it was interesting to see what other topics came up in relation to it all. Things in my relationship with DH that became more prominent after the miscarriages such as the different ways we coped and my identity as a mother were two topics that we covered.

It was like a gush of grief as soon as I sat down in the counselors chair. It just felt like a safe place to let it all out without any interruption. One thing the counselor suggested was a formal goodbye to our babies and DH and I did that in October. We went away for the weekend (all three of us) and said our goodbyes by throwing two flowers into a river. It sounds terribly corny but it really helped us. It felt postive to 'pay our respects' and allowed me to let go of the grief a bit more. I know one of the other gals on here planted a rose bush for her lost baby and I thought that was a lovely idea. Have you considered something like that?

I think having something tangible as a remembrance helps too. We bought some little glass hearts and a box to keep them in. For me, it created a focus for my grief and made it a bit less all-encompassing, if that makes sense.

Seeing the counselor couldn't hurt and you're right that January is so often a tough month. My first due date is 5 January and I know it's going to be tough. You must've passed a due date now. How did you cope?

Hi apart from the m/c i too have had trouble ttc no2 i have been using the ov kit now, so i did Mon it said i was ovul next 24-36 hrs dh was ill so nothing, anyway went on a site which said i had between 14th Nov - 21Nov mmm did another test today apparently i am still ovul. I f Nothing at the beginning of DEc then i am going to stop may adopt??? my dd 3.5yrs think the gap will be too big now??

Hugs and support to you allxx

Another one that can join you here. Have a ds who is nearly 4, been trying on/off (more on recently) for 2 years with just 1 mc at 5 weeks a year ago. Ov kits and temps show I am ov and we are doing plenty of bding at the fertile time but to no avail. It gets you down and so many of my friends are conceiving easily. I do feel that it will happen and maybe I will be the one to have twins or triplets for waiting so long - that's the joke amongst close friends! I used to be a regular on the ttc threads but with so many people coming & going, I've backed away for a while so I don't think about it too much - but I drop in from time to time to see what's happening. Let's just hope that we all get pregnant soon x x

likewise, bluestar. the ttc boards are really supportive and a godsend in a lot of ways but they also made me much too aware of every twinge i had and i was getting neurotic. everyone so wants everyone else to conceive and the constant monitoring of everyone's cycle made me a bit obsessive i think. please don't think i'm knocking these threads in any way, because i know how important they can be for boosting you when you're down and sharing thoughts that others who aren't ttc cannot possibly have. It's just not for me at the moment... maybe later

btw, slink, i shouldn't worry about the gap between your dd and another being 'too big'. whatever gap ther is, you'll all cope and live with it and if/when it finally happens i'm sure you won't be able to envisage any other age difference than the one you have with your kids! i know plenty of people with no siblings at all and also those with siblings years apart (7 in one case, 13 in another!) and the families are as happy as any other. what does it really matter at the end of the day?

Hi, sorry to hear your problems. With DD1, we fell pregnant straight away. As soon as we had her, we started trying for a second, and it took us 15 months to fall pregnant second time around. A woman from my antenatal class had a miscarriage 18 months after having her first baby (at week 7 of her pregnancy), and she had been trying straight after her first baby too. She fell pregnant again 3 months later, and her baby is now overdue! I can understand your frustration, especially when others fall pregnant. This woman was the last out of our whole antenatal group (7 of us) to fall pregnant.

Tex111 - The due date of the second 'baby' I lost would have been 5th of January! Looks like we'll be sharing that sad day.

I have passed a due date - 22 September - and it was a rough week. I had really hoped to be pregnant again by then. Two days before that I got AF following a cycle with a 9 day luteal phase. So I felt doubly bad that week as I saw that my body wasn't even right for conceiving.

I then had to attend 2 X two yearold birthday parties that weekend and listen to the newly pregnant friends talk about their morning sickness and due dates. I couldn't help myself crying in the middle of a busy children's play area!

This month I have stopped charting and taking my temperature. I even trying not to count cycle days. I know in my head which week we should spend more BDing. Charting made me horribly obssessive.

I had fantastic early pregnancy symptoms last month - I would have bet money on being pregnant. But, I said, if I wasn't pregnant, I would never obssess about symptoms again. There's no point.

I'm trying to find a new focus for my life. It's difficult not to feel in limbo when you're waiting to complete your family. I always feel like things are determined by the age of your youngest child. I recently gave up work - following the 2nd miscarriage. I can't make any mental plans for when I will go back to work, when we will have holidays.

homemummy,

There is such a thing as secondry infertility, I was having tests for this recently. We had our dd in 2000 and had been trying for 9 months for No 2.

I have no experience of miscarriages I'm affraid but there are lots of tests they can do for secondry infertility. You should approach your Dr and ask to see a gynecologist.

I was due to have blood tests to pinpoint ovulation and also something called a "HyCosy" to check for blockages in my tubes.
Luckily I fell preg just before starting the tests.

Good luck to you - I know how frustrating it can be.

sorry I didn't mean
"I have no experience of miscarriages I'm affraid"

That came out wrong and sounded insensitive. SORRY!!!!

I meant I have no experience of miscarriage to compare to yours.

You put a message saying for people who haven't had miscarriages to write their story.

That's okay - I knew what you meant.

How old are you if you don't mind me asking? I assumed they would not do any tests in the UK for secondary infertility until we've been trying for a year since my last miscarriage.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. It's good to see there's hope.

I'm 23.

I've always had problems with my periods and after dd was born my gp decided to investigate. I didn't have a period for a year after she was born.

The Gyne said they weren't interested in doing tests until we were ttc and to come back if we hadn't managed to conceive after 3-6months of trying.

I guess I was lucky to have a history of problems as it meant I didn't have to wait the normal 12 months. They got me straight in to do the tests.

I'm pleased that everything turned out well for you in the end.

I don't think I have too much to grumble about since my periods are back to being regular, my luteal phase seems acceptable since I've been taking B6 and B50 complex. Charting indicates that I ovulate....so I guess I just keep trying.

homemummy dont lose hope.

My story is like some of the others below. I conceived dd within 3 mths and we started trying for number 2 when she was 1 year old. It took 16 months to get pregnant the second time. I know all the feelings of wanting number 2 ASAP so the gap wont be too big etc. At the moment number 2 is due in early January, please God, and there will be a 3 year gap. I was starting to despair as time went on !!
I would keep trying another 3 mths and then if you dont get your +ve you can see your GP about having some tests done to check hormone levels. You seem to be very clued in already and the TTc boards might help you along the way.
We had just started investigations for infertility and I was scheduled for a laparoscopy when I got my +ve. I hope you get yours soon too.
Good luck (and also Bluestar, Moomin etc and everyone else on here).

Homemummy, I know just what you mean about feeling in limbo. It's difficult to get on with things and make plans when you're not sure what's going to be happening. We're not TTC right now and it's been a much needed break for me. I've been focusing on all of us having more fun together and on me doing things that I enjoy but have neglected since having DS. My best friend is coming over from Texas in a few weeks and we're going to Paris for a girly weekend - just the two of us! I haven't spent a night away from DS before so I'm a little worried but I think it'll do me so much good.

But speaking of my friend, she has had two children (with a miscarriage in between) and her hubby is actually getting the snip today. So they are well and truly done having babies. I'm pleased for them but I do feel a bit left behind. Almost all of my friends have had their second which is difficult for me in so many ways. DS is at the age where we can go and do anything. He's not napping anymore and everything is so much easier so I really want to go out and take him to all kinds of activities. Because so many of my friends have new babies they can't do that. And when I do finally have a new baby myself my friends will then be wanting to go and do more. We're out of synch now and I hate that.

Trying to find another focus is probably a good idea. Even if you keep trying, you can give yourself a little break. For me, it was picking up interests that I had neglected after becoming a Mom and seeing friends on a one to one basis more often without babies in tow. Giving up the charting is something I did too. With DS it was great because I felt so in control of it all. That changed after the first miscarriage. I just got so obsessive and was making me tense every morning. Not a great way to start the day!

As for infertility testing, I think the kinds of tests that you would have are decribed in the Regan book. You already know that you can get pregnant so things like blocked tubes, lack of cervical fluid, lack of ovulation, etc, etc aren't in question. It's just a matter of maintaining the pregnancy. It's such a shame that they don't do any testing until we've had three losses. My doctor did say that he would do some blood tests if I really wanted him to, but after a long discussion I decided it probably wasn't worth it for us yet. If you do want some investigation perhaps you could press your doctor for some tests.

Good luck to everyone else trying. Once we had DS I never expected to have trouble conceiving a second time. Hope you all get the babies you want soon.

That should say - Even if you keep trying, you can give yourself a break mentally.

I so agree with tex111 about giving yourself a break. Once we'd made the decision to stop trying so hard, it was such a relief for me, which surprised me, as obviously I'd spent the last 21 months thinking about little else! dh kept telling me that we were getting too wrapped up in it but i didn't beleive him until i took a step back and saw it from the outside, so to speak. I, too, decided to do something with one of my girly friends - wasn't as glam as Paris (Tex111 - you go girl!) but me and my best friend took off for a night out, drank cocktails (strictly banned while ttc) and went to an 80s club and danced ourselves stupid. We had such a good time! and to top it all came home and had the best sex with dh for AGES - the decision to have a break obviously did him the world of good as well!
We're still not using contraception but we're just trying to get back a sense of perspective and normality. I'm also focusing on dd more as well. If nothing ever comes of another baby, then we're still very very lucky to have been blessed with a wonderful little girl. when other people used to say that to me in the middle of my ttc, i used to scowl and think, yes, but i want another one! but if it never happens, it's not the end of the world. I'm not going to wish my life away. life is for living.

Moomin, it has definitely been a blessing for me to take a break too. We've even been using condoms which has actually been fun in a highschool-backseat-of-the-car kind of way (not that I ever did anything in a backseat ). And yep, going out for a drink without stressing about it and enjoying DS has all been a big part of it. I feel like I've started to come to terms with the fact that we may not have any more children (though of course the chances are actually still very good that we will). It's given me some peace to think that I can be happy with what we have. Another child would just be the icing on the cake.

I remember after my second miscarriage when I was obviously in a state about it all and a doctor told me that I should stop charting and just try to relax. I wanted to smack him at the time but his advice turned out to be right for me. I guess he knew what he was talking about. He and his wife and fertility problems and ended up having IVF. They now have boy quadruplets!