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Conception

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Original poster

Miscarriage - did I kill my baby?

23 replies

RosyappleA · 30/01/2022 16:40

I have a lot of guilt built up since my miscarriage in October and it is really burdening me. I have no-one to talk to, my OH doesn’t say anything about it it is his way of grieving . Mum just adds fuel to my fire. Friends don’t understand as it wasn’t far along they don’t really see it as a life.
To cut a long story short, i was on holiday i didn't know i was pregnant i was feeling unwell throughout, i got very bad food poisoning but I have a tendency to soldier it through until i am
Completely on the floor, which I was in the end, I was given fluids as I couldn't keep anything down either end. We were supposed to come back sooner than we did thanks to my OH and a problem he had we had to stay longer (this is where he feels to blame). The vomiting stopped the diarrhoea didn’t during our stay and until I miscarried at 9 weeks, 3 weeks after getting back. At one point I was bedridden about week 5 when we were back and I never sought help(it died at 6.5 weeks and i didn’t know) so I feel like a murderer. We were moving house at the same time also and I was struggling with my toddler (also had diarrhoea) And I feel I should have got medical help but there just wasn’t anyone to help me with my daughter. Everyone at work and I didn’t even ask and I just cannot seem to see a way forward dealing with the guilt. If this was just natural I wouldn’t care as it would be out of my hands but I feel very much to blame. I even blame myself with the lifting things and moving house, carrying my heavy daughter who just wanted to be in my arms 24/7 as we were both sick even at the airport in a 3 hour queue she wouldn't stay with OH, the going away, etc. Any advice, i don’t even know what I am wanting to hear anything will do?

OP posts:

Yuckypretty · 30/01/2022 16:43

No you didn't. Sorry you went through this. It's normal to feel guilty, it was not your fault though.
Ask your GP if you can access some counselling.

ComDummings · 30/01/2022 16:45

No it isn’t your fault. It just happens sometimes. It’s nothing you did or didn’t do. You can be as careful as possible but it could still happen. Have you thought about counselling to process your feelings? But with absolute certainty please believe me that it is not your fault, you are not to blame. Sadly miscarriages are very common and cannot be prevented.

Schmoozer · 30/01/2022 16:46

Oh my goodness-
You were really poorly, it was a really tricky time, you did what you had to do,
You very clearly did NOT murder your baby,
Sadly lots of pregnancies end in miscarriage - usually for no rhyme or reason ….
You sound lovely - this was not your fault x

Ploppy1322 · 30/01/2022 16:47

Ah hon I think it's normal to feel guilty, and when we look hard enough can usually find a way to blame ourselves. You don't know what you don't know. If you'd known you were pregnant you may have acted differently but it likely wouldn't have made any difference. You can't beat yourself up for something you couldn't have known, it wasn't your fault xxx

JugglingJanuary · 30/01/2022 16:51

You didn't cause this very sad thing to happen.

At that stage the baby is so well protected inside you and designed to get all of the nutrition it needs before you get any.

I'm sorry you were so ill. You & Dh need to stop blaming yourselves. A huge percentage of pregnancies sadly end in miscarriage. It's not your fault, nor his.

grey12 · 30/01/2022 16:53

You did nothing wrong that is what is so difficult in miscarriages

pbdr · 30/01/2022 16:54

As a GP I can reassure you that for food poisoning the standard initial treatment is hydration and rest, so seeking medical attention would be very unlikely to have changed anything. The food poisoning may or may not have been a trigger for miscarriage (up to a quarter of pregnancies end in miscarriage so may have happened anyway) but either way it is not your fault at all. This is something that happened to you, not something you have done. Sorry you've been through what sounds like a pretty miserable experience, but you are entirely blameless here.

Wingingthis · 30/01/2022 16:56

I really hope this comes across in the right way becusde I mean it as reassuring that you’ve done nothing wrong - I had an awful AWFUL tummy bug that I caught off my toddler during the first trimester of my second pregnancy. High temperature for days, couldn’t keep anything down like you and also had to look after my toddler alone, I didn’t seek medical help but I didn’t miscarry. So no it’s not because you were unwell, it’s just a very very sad natural thing that has happened at no fault of your own :( sending love x

Lillygolightly · 30/01/2022 16:58

I’m so sorry for your loss and I’m so sorry for the way you are feeling because I totally understand it. I lost my little boy at 18 weeks and I went over and over ever tiny little thing I did of could have done to cause it, and do you know what….there was no answer! Frustrating as it is sometimes the things just happen, I know it seems awful and cruel (because it is) and that there should be an answer or a reason but honestly there often isn’t. You feeling guilty and beating yourself up about it won’t change anything and that aside I can pretty much guarantee that you did nothing to cause this loss.

It is ok to feel this loss, to grieve this loss and it doesn’t matter that it wasn’t far along, it’s still a loss and it still hurts and you are more than entitled to feel it however you need to feel it.

Sending you hugs.

SiobhanSharpe · 30/01/2022 17:00

I seem to remember I had D&V at an early stage in pregnancy, (may have been food poisoning, may have been just one of those things) and it didn't affect the baby at all.
I'm sure thousands of women get minor illnesses like that during pregnancy without it harming the baby.
So many pregnancies end in miscarriage for no known reason.
You are not to blame. At all.

Original poster

RosyappleA · 30/01/2022 17:08

Thank you so much ladies, i really, really appreciate your replies. I hope in this guilt soon passes and I make peace with what has happened. I will try to make more of an effort to move forward.

OP posts:

Allthesefolks · 30/01/2022 17:35

Please don’t feel guilty, I’m really sorry this happened to you, nothing you did caused this, there’s not really anything that can be done to prevent or help stop a miscarriage, they just happen. My baby stopped growing at 8 weeks and my body didn’t even realise, I found it a really cruel and lonely experience but things are much better now, I hope you can find some peace x x

Hoppinggreen · 30/01/2022 17:37

I’m so sorry for your loss.
I had a Mc 18 years ago and sometimes I still wonder what I did wrong .
The answer is nothing, and neither did you

Hugasauras · 30/01/2022 17:54

Definitely nothing you did. I had norovirus in first trimester and was very unwell but baby was fine. They need so little from you at this stage. It was almost certainly just coincidental timing. As for the carrying, pretty much every pregnant woman with a toddler has to lift and carry them. The risk is to you, hurting your back and joints, not the baby.

Sorry for your loss

2022IamHavingYa · 30/01/2022 18:06

Absolutely nothing you did caused the miscarriage. Nature has a way of not allowing a fetus to develop that has a genetic condition for example.
Also, your illness would not have been the cause. Women suffer terrible Hyperemesis Gravidarum (HG) without any detriment to a healthy fetus.

Your pregnancy was special to you and you should cherish that and know it was not your fault x

Allpenguinsarepingus · 30/01/2022 18:06

OP it’s not your fault. Most miscarriages, especially very early miscarriages, happen because something went wrong with the cell division process and some chromosome abnormalities occurred. This is why miscarriages occur more frequently in older mothers.

Original poster

RosyappleA · 30/01/2022 20:39

Thanks everyone your replies have been most helpful ❤️

OP posts:

Jjjayfee · 30/01/2022 20:41

Yes, the guilt seems to happy many of us. Hope you feel better soon

blyn72 · 30/01/2022 20:43

Bless you Rosy.

Neither you or your husband are to blame for your miscarriage. They just happen sometimes, even without food poisoning.

Please don't feel guilty, you couldn't help it. I am sorry it happened.

Madge2012 · 30/01/2022 20:47

You did nothing wrong. It's easy to say but please don't torture yourself. Xx
When I miscarried I emailed all my random thoughts (guilt, anger, fear) to the Miscarriage Association. I found it cathartic to write (type) it all down and they sent me a lovely reply. Well worth giving them a try.
Take care lovely xx

Ohyesiam · 30/01/2022 20:47

No blame is yours op.
You’ve been through hell and somehow we just seem to excel in kicking ourselves when we’re down.

Ohpulltheotherone · 30/01/2022 20:52

No OP, there was nothing you could have done. This pregnancy just wasn’t meant to be. I’m really sorry.

I’m sure the doctors have told you that unfortunately it is very common and that it happens to a lot of women. I would bet there is not a woman in this world who hasn’t either experienced it herself or known a family or friend experience it.

Time is a great healer, be kind to yourself. What would you say to a friend in the same circumstances? You would tell her she wasn’t to blame, you’d tell her that she had no guilt to carry and you’d love and care for her until she started to feel better. Do the same for yourself OP

QforCucumber · 30/01/2022 20:52

Another one who has been there, twice. It is not your fault. At that stage there is nothing any medical person could have done so going to the dr would not have prevented this, it was the natural order for that pregnancy. (I now have 2 boys, and I acted no differently in those pregnancies to how I was in with the losses)

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