Ttc 4 years, alone and depressed

[PcosSOS]

I've never written a post before but really need to talk to someone who might understand. We've been trying to conceive for coming up 4 years and I now don't have a single friend who wants children who hasn't got them or ins't currently pregnant.

We have been referred for IVF and have our first appointment soon but I just feel so utterly helpless and alone. I can't stop crying most days and feel like it's taking over my life.

I'm looking into counselling ASAP but any advice or kind words would be much appreciated.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

I don't have experience of this length of time but someone will come along and be able to offer some guidance for you. Good luck with your IVF. Please don't give up

Thanks for your kind response Pugmumm. I can't quite believe it has been 4 years tbh! We have been trying on and off and things have been slowed right down with our referral due to the pandemic. Hopefully things will move a bit quicker now with our referral.

I cannot imagine what 4 years must be like for you. You are very strong. Xxx

Have you officially been diagnosed with PCOS?

Iszzy - I have polysistic Ovaries and have had this confirmed via an internal scan, yes. My Hormone tests on Day 3 and 21 were within the normal range but I have irregular periods (29-40 day cycles so not on the extreme end of irregular). Why do you ask?

Hi @PcosSOS

I was just a little surprised and sad that you've been trying for 4 years... It's not very common to need IVF for PCOS but if you've tried everything else so be it.

TTC for 12 months is hard enough as it is for normal women, without PCOS which itself is linked to depression.

Anyway I assume you have already tried Clomid or Letrozole? Did you do any ovulation tracking with ultrasound? And did the OH have his sample tested?

I’m sorry you’re going through this. It is so hard.

There are some brilliant accounts on Instagram that really do hit the nail on the head when it comes to the pain of infertility. Check out ParenthoodinMind and MissConception and go from there.

I was ttc for 5.5 years before I had my daughter. I had 3 rounds of IVF and 3 miscarriages before she was conceived naturally just as I was giving up hope. She’s now 3.5 and has a surprise little brother who is a few weeks old. I’m 41 and if you’d told me 5 years ago I’d have 2 kids, I wouldn’t have believed it. I was at rock bottom. It’s really common for almost to everyone to minimize what you’re going through, but it’s a big deal and really tough.

Wishing you all the best with IVF. My advice would be to really educate yourself about it and be prepared to push for what you need.

@PcosSOS I would highly recommend counselling. It gives you the opportunity to talk about your fears and release the build up of emotions. After 4 years, you must be holding on to a heck if a lot of upset, anger and anxiety. It would be hugely beneficial if you could begin to release some of that prior to starting the IVF process. Sending you lots of love ❤️

@PcosSOS
I'm 2 years in, currently going through IVF. It's so hard. It can take over your life, so please be kind to yourself 💐 you're grieving the normal happy pregnancy you thought you would have had by now. It's a very sad thing to face.

On Instagram I follow Alice Rose. She's lovely and calm, lots of free resources. Also MissConception.

Definitely look into counselling. I would say try anything that can help carry load with you. I also don't have any friends in this position so I appreciate it is very lonely. We've had some counselling and her advice is to keep doing nice things together - like watching something on telly we really enjoy, having a nice dessert, going for a walk. It keeps you connected.

Thanks all for your amazing and supportive responses. I took myself offline and tried to remain distracted for most of the day yesterday and this morning which has helped.

I've also contacted a counsellor and got the ball rolling with NHS talking therapies. I've had counselling before for various other issues not related to fertility so know how transformative and helpful it can be.

A little bit of back story on us - for the first year we weren't really trying but not preventing either and being very laid back about it all. When it didn't happen we then gave it a year of actively trying, we knew about my PCOS so assumed it was just taking us longer. COVID hit and so we weren't able to access the fertility tests etc for a while. All testing was pretty much geared towards me once things started up and I had to suggest it may be male factor. We got the sperm results and were told they were fine (the doctor literally said "you only need 1 after all"). More pushing for follow up appointments and asking for print outs of results we finally got to speak to a doctor who confirmed it is likely male factor fertility issues and we are now referred to specialists. From what I've read on here this is quite a common thing where the man isn't even considered until the last. It really got to me as if we'd had the tests years ago and/or if we'd been given the correct reading from the tests we'd be much further along by now.

Oh well such is life. I feel a lot more positive today and know can be a lot easier in terms of IVF if it is due to a low sperm count.

@Iszzy Ah yes, we were basically told "you have PCOS so it'll take you longer" for years but it turns out it is likely male factor or a combination of us both being a bit crap.

I definitely ovulate and have had this confirmed with blood tests and OPKs. My GP in spite of telling us PCOS was the root cause for years has also refused to prescribe clomid - who knows eh?

@Greytminds Thanks so much for your response, I can't imagine what going through that must have been like for you but lovely to hear that you now have two little ones.

Thanks for the tips on insta accounts too, will follow them now.

@PcosSOS thanks - it was tough times but what got me through was finding a supportive group going through the same thing (via mumsnet no less) and then making sure that we found the time to enjoy ourselves without letting the ttc ruin our lives (even if it did take over).

The only other thing I’d thought of is - what is your DH doing to improve sperm quality? It isn’t always something that can be sorted but taking a good men’s conception vitamin, avoiding hot baths and alcohol etc as much as possible can improve things.

Just wanted to say all the best to you on your journey OP xxx

@PcosSOS I found myself in a similar situation to you - years of what felt like wasted time not having the right tests to identify the real cause of our infertility. 5 years on, we have had 3 pregnancies but no live birth. After 3 rounds of IVF and at 43, I'm kind of writing our chances off but every month, part of me feels a little hopeful that just maybe, we could strike gold naturally.
IVF is a truly remarkable process that can give you your much wanted baby but it's by no means a guaranteed certainty. Please don't make IVF your back stop. I did and I was devastated when it didn't work. Discuss other options with your partner because it may be beneficial if you find yourself disappointed or disillusioned with the IVF process. Love and luck to you!

@Greytminds He has done a lot tbf, the biggest being quitting smoking which should hopefully make a difference. He's also stopped hot baths and he's been on Proceive vits for a while and started Lycopene supplements recently too. His SA wasn't anywhere near as bad as we'd anticipated but it is low overall and morphology is the probably biggest problem at 1.5% but I know this can change every few months.

@WutheringMights I'm so sorry it hasn't worked for you yet and I can only imagine the heartbreak you've gone through. I am trying to be realistic about IVF and it really annoys me when well meaning friends say things like "can't you JUST have IVF" as if it's popping to the chemists for a prescription. Part of wanting counselling is trying to find a way to make peace with the idea that it may never happen for us. I am hopeful but that's what makes the infertility journey so heartbreaking, the constant hoping and monthly disappointment. I think part of it will have to be me and my OH deciding how long we are willing to try with IVF and exploring other options as you say.
I'm really sorry that you've had to go through everything you have gone through and hope that you find a way through it all. xx

I am sorry you're dealing with all of this alone, but know that there are many of us out there.
I believe that therapy is going to help you face all of this, and be ready for the next steps. You will find your way soon, keeping everything crossed for you x

I just wanted to update this thread for anyone reading in the same position. We ended up having IVF in the beginning of 2022. While our first transfer didn't work our second one did and I'm now 14 weeks pregnant. It's been a long road and still a way to go but all looking positive. I ended up making lots of life changes (none of which I attribute to IVF working - that was chiefly down to luck, the drugs and the dosage) but they did help me to cope with the emotional toll of IVF.

I know it doesn't work for everyone but so far things are looking up for us.

Congratulations!

@PcosSOS so pleased for you 💐 I'm pregnant too now (26 weeks) and I agree it's all about luck, the drugs working at the right time etc. Wishing you all the best 💐