TTC after late miscarriage/stillbirth/neonatal loss

[Squiff70]

Hi, I'm not new here. I used to post on the Conception boards 2-3 years ago. I fell pregnant with twins but lost them just before 20 weeks due to placental abruption.

Several months later I fell pregnant, again with twins, but they were born four months early. My daughter survived (after spending over 5 months in NICU) but sadly my son passed away at four days old.

My little girl is now 22 months old. She has delayed development but is otherwise happy and healthy. I'm 39 now and so we've decided to TTC. Terrified doesn't cut it. I've given birth four times and only have one surviving child so the thought of another loss is too much to bare. That said, we know there are no guarantees.

Has anyone here been through anything similar, is TTC again and needs a mutual handhold?

@Squiff70 Hi, firstly can I just say I'm so truly sorry to hear of the loss of your children ❤️ So heartbreaking :( I can't fully relate, but I did lose my son due to placental abruption, also halfway through pregnancy. He was born last July. A lot of time and counselling and having a busy life has helped, but there isn't often a day where I don't still feel it. It changes you as a person, doesn't it?

I've been TTC since then and no luck so far. Going on to cycle 16 if AF arrives on Wednesday. Trying to remain hopeful!

Did it take you long to conceive in the past? I really hope this TTC journey is a short and happy one - god knows you deserve that ❤️ xx

@KerryW87 I am also so sorry for the loss of your son too. It's like we belong to a secret group that nobody wants to talk about and nobody wants to join. Once you're in you can't leave - you just have to crack on with things because there's no other option. Not one I can begin to think about anyway.

We were very very lucky in terms of timescale. For our first set of twins we conceived on cycle 1. For my son and daughter we got lucky on cycle 3 or 4 - I forget now. But, I'm two years older and definitely not as healthy. I'm on meds I need to stop too, yet I can't get an appointment with my GP.

15 cycles must really knock the stuffing out of you both. I know from my time on the boards how utterly emotionally draining a long TTC journey is for people. I really, really hope things work out for you soon. Please stay in touch and take care vof yourself. I will WILL that pesky AF away for you this week!

@Squiff70 Thank you ❤️ You've hit the nail on the head - that's exactly how it feels at times! Even times where I'm in company and the discussion is on pregnancy or labour I go to chime in with a story that isn't even related to the part where he died...and then you remember you shouldn't, because the mere mention makes others feel awkward or puts a dampener on the chat, so you don't. It's a lonely feeling but you've just got to get on with it and try to focus on the good wherever and whenever you can!

My biggest fear is it happening again, and so reading your story and knowing you've managed to get through that exact situation is just astounding. I'm devastated for you but in complete awe too.

I really hope this is the case for you this time then! 🤞 Ah why not? Are appointments difficult because of COVID now? If possible just push for one - be the squeaky wheel that gets the grease! It's awful having to wait when you're desperate to just get things moving. I've only just gotten the appointment through for our first phone consultation and we're moving onto month 16, it's just like constant waiting games with TTC!

Thanks so much! Hoping it's a quick journey for you too and happy, healthy babies are in our futures 🤞💕

Hi Ladies

We've also had a loss at a similar gestation. We lost our little boy at 24 weeks on the 8th of September 2021. He was an IVF baby. All our scans were perfect and he was predicted to be on the 60th centile for weight. His heart stopped beating just after 24 weeks. When I delivered him he was only on the 10th centile. We haven't had the results of the post mortem yet so we really don't know what went wrong.

The first few weeks were the hardest but we're doing better in comparison to then although it hits me in waves. Its been such a huge shock and I'm not sure we'll ever accept what has happened but hopefully in time learn to manage and live with the loss.
We've referred ourselves to counselling and as we're a same sex couple we need to have fertility treatment if we want to try again.

We might try to freeze my partners embryo(s) towards the end of the year. She feels emotionally able to go through with this but I couldn't imagine going through an egg collection myself next month.

Our consultant has suggested doing an embryo transfer late November/early December. I was surprised at this but I don't imagine he'd suggest it if he didn't think it safe although I do worry there could be complications. Again, I'm really not sure and I'm worried about something going wrong. It might be better to wait until the New Year..

I'm so sorry to hear of you have both lost babies too. Life can be incredibly cruel at times. I think it does change you, it has changed my outlook on pregnancy for sure. I was very aware of the chances of a loss but less so after 20 weeks. Xxx

I am so sorry for your losses, the pain and the grief you're going through honestly sounds devastating. Congratulations on your little girl, I wish all the best to her!

I do not know... in your case, I would like to have a totally different experience from start to finish. The new plan, new doc, new nurse, new birthing plan, everything new. Bless you and your family dear!

@KerryW87 I can relate to so much of what you said. I sometimes have to sit on my hands too. My closest friend has three under three - the youngest just three months old and if he's crying a lot and she is explaining a situation to me I sometimes feel like saying "at least your son is safe in your arms even if he's crying". I don't, though, because being a parent is bloody hard at the best of times and crying babies are incrediby stressful.

Don't be in awe of our story - so many people comment on how strong we are etc but really we're not - we could have broken down so many times but we had a surviving child fighting for her life and there isn't anywhere on the planet we would have been otherwise. You don't get an option when your baby in in NICU, you just have to suck it up, roll with the (many, many) punches and celebrate tiny achievements. I'm sorry if that sounds insensitive but from somebody who has lived through it, it's true.

I can't get an appointment with my GP because I can't speak. Long story but recent surgery has left my local chords not working. There's no option to email or text the surgery and they're not doing face to face appointments unless they deem it necessary. Same applies for calling 111 (not that I need to in this situation) - if you can't talk for whatever reason then options are extremely limited. I may have to go into the surgery with a note for the receptionist and see what they can do that way. Which professional is your phone consultation with, do you mind me asking?

I'm very much hoping for the same. I know several people who've gone on to have healthy babies, either naturally or with a bit of help, after many months or years of trying. Don't give up.

@MrsC2019 I am so truly sorry for your loss too, what an awful thing to do through at any gestation but 24 weeks is considered viable and you must have been left with a million different emotions (all of them completely valid and understandable).

How are you, really? Your loss is so recent so allow yourself to grieve for your little boy. If I can help and support you I will. Waiting for the post mortem results is the hardest part but I pray it gives you some answers as to what happened to your son. It's totally understandable, normal and natural for the shock to be hitting you in waves. If something as big as losing a child hit us in one go we'd be overcome and wouldn't cope, I don't think.

I still think that a loss of a much-wanted pregnancy at any point is heartbreaking and cruel but to get half way through and beyond then to lose a baby(ies) brings a whole dimension of horror to one of the saddest events a person can go through. You really do have my every sympathy in every way, and my utmost respect too.

It sounds like you need to be open and honest with your partner about how you really feel about having another FET as early as late November. If you would prefer to wait a little longer then I'm sure she'll be on board. You've both been through hell and you need to be both ready, having a realistic timeframe which suits both of you.

All the best

@dutchessmom thank you for your kind words and advice - it really is appreciated!

How are you doing @KerryW87 and @MrsC2019 ?

Hi, jumping on here - hope you don't mind.
Sending love to you all after the losses of your babies and lots of positivity for your TTC journeys.
We lost our baby at 15 weeks on the 10th September - no cause found. I'm ok, but like others have said it hits me in waves; today being a bad week, as I can't help thinking I should have been at the half way mark now.
I am still waiting for my AF to arrive, I'm not too concerned yet as I have always had long cycles but as I anxiously wait, I'm battling with myself about when TTC and the uncertainty but guaranteed anxiety of this time is driving me insane! I feel like I'll be anxious no matter how long I wait, and who knows how long it will take? We have been so so lucky with both pregnancies that I conceived quickly, but who can be sure this will be the case now..

Sorry for the pointless ramble but I've been searching for a thread I could possibly relate too!
Take care xxx

@MamTee10 I'm so sorry for your loss. 10th September is very recent so it all must be very raw for you right now. The fact that they haven't found a cause must be a relief (in terms of TTC again) but also very frustrating because you don't know why your baby passed away. Grief does come in waves though, that's absolutely normal.

TTC after a loss at any stage is daunting. You just want to hit those mlestones once you're expecting but TTC in itself is a whole different ballgame. I'm just finishing cycle 1 of TTC and am entering into cycle 2 with complete bewilderment and trepidation.

Don't put pressure on yourself or your body to move on mentally or physically. Be kind to yourself always. You did nothing wrong, I am absolutely sure of that. Sometimes babies die. It's the saddest fact of life. Your period will come, and when and IF you are both ready, you are free to try again but there is no pressure.

Your post wasn't a pointless ramble - it's so important that you reach out now more than ever. I know what you're going through and my heart breaks for you. You'll never forget the baby you've lost but one day, somehow, you find the strength to move on a little bit.

I'm right there with you.

@Squiff70 thanks for your reply and kind words. It's always helpful to know there are people out there who can relate.
Yeah the no clear cause feels like a doubled edged sword, trying to trust the doctors view which of it's an unfortunate one off is hard, and some days easier to accept than others.

Sending lots of positivity to you for TTC journey, I hope you have lots of support around you? Xxx

@MamTee10 I completely understand what you mean. I was 'lucky' in that they found a cause for my twin babies' deaths. They found the cause to be placental abruption which was, like you said, a double edged sword. They explained (very gently) that it was nothing I'd done wrong. It just happens sometimes and the cause(s) is (are) unknown. I was comforted by the fact that something I had done (or not done) was not the cause we lost them. I was also angry because two otherwise healthy babies had died and I still didn't have a reason why.

You're bound to have lots of emotions too - maybe not all at once - and ALL of them are completely valid and real and completely understandable.

Please, just take care of yourself. You've been through en extremely traumatic event and it will take time to begin to heal.

Just jumping on here. We've very recently lost our little man at 20 weeks. We've got a few more weeks until we possibly get the post mortem results but have been told to prepare ourselves that there might be no reason at all as to why it happened.

Just tentatively beginning conversations with dh as to whether we start trying again. I feel like I've lost all reason - the urge to hold a baby in my arms is so strong whereas dh is far more practical and very worried it'll happen again. I think realistically we can't decide anything until we hear back from the post mortem.