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Conception

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Original poster

Issues with sex

19 replies

Nicolelinda96 · 09/09/2021 05:36

I’m a 25f in a relationship with a 30m. In short, he has problems keeping it up sometimes. He says he can’t predict or help it at all and viagra isn’t for him because he previously reacted badly to it. Sex often happens twice a week, which isn’t bad, but seeing as we are trying for a baby now, another would be ideal.

I had an early miscarriage last month and want nothing more than to be pregnant again, to the point where it’s breaking my heart and making me furious at my partner when sex doesn’t progress. When it doesn’t work out, losing my hope for a baby is absolutely awful. It happened last night and I just broke down and sobbed.

But what can we actually do about it? I would schedule sex 2-3 days a week, but if it doesn’t happen on those days we are screwed. HELP

OP posts:

Shimmyshimmycocobop · 09/09/2021 06:04

You are putting too much pressure on your partner here, no wonder he is having issues with this although if you having sex twice a week that's reasonable imo. The stress won't be helping you either.
I had difficulties conceiving with my first so I know how it can take over your thinking although I was a good bit older than you.
I'm sorry about your miscarriage, take a bit of time to grieve your loss and try and take a break from stressing about this even for a short while.

Carrottopppp · 09/09/2021 06:35

My ex had ED and we managed to have 2DS only having sex once a month so it can happen, I put no pressure on him whatsoever, I did opks every day and once I got peak we agreed I wouldn't tell him when it was. So we only had sex on the day I got peak so once a month, it took a few months but we got there in the end and I now have my 2 beautiful boys. My ex took viagra but it never worked. Has your dp had investigations in to why he can't keep an erection, my exdp was caused by heavy anti depressants he took for clinical depression well before we got together and one of the side effects was loss of libido and unfortunately he never got it back.

onelittlefrog · 09/09/2021 06:51

You break down and sob when he can't get an erection? Imagine how much pressure that puts on him. Sorry but your reaction to the situation probably really isn't helping.

You are very young at 25 and 30 and you have lots of time to resolve this and have your family - it will happen, but only if you stop piling on the pressure.

I would recommend you find a counsellor you can talk this through with as I think you have an unhealthy amount of worry and pressure about this, both on yourself and on him. It's not sustainable. If you're managing sex twice a week you will get pregnant, but you need to find a way to relax for both your sakes.

SunnySideUp2020 · 09/09/2021 07:45

Yeah no... please try to be understanding of your partner's difficulties.
It is probably killing him inside to have this issue and the fact that you are pressuring him with ttc definitely makes the problem worse.
You need to give him a break. You could suggest having some tests done to see if it isn't a physical problem causing his ED?
Twice a week is good btw for ttc! And less likely to become a chore that way. You are both very young and have plenty of time... so take it easy! Try not to stress yourself.
Wanting to be pregnant is one thing but your relationship with your partner and how you both feel on this journey is more important right now.

Original poster

Nicolelinda96 · 09/09/2021 10:14

This is the one and only time he’s ever seen me get upset about this. Please don’t go thinking I cry every time he has this issue lol. I have severe anxiety also, so I do recognize that this reaction isn’t the norm. I normally don’t let on if I’m upset whatsoever.

OP posts:

Original poster

Nicolelinda96 · 09/09/2021 10:19

I find the “yeah no….” A little condescending. But anyway, I realise that you are absolutely right. I guess if we do it twice a week then it’s bound to happen at some point?

OP posts:

Original poster

Nicolelinda96 · 09/09/2021 10:23

I take back what I said about you sounded condescending. You don’t. I just get very defensive when people suggest that what I’m Feeling or doing is ridiculous because I’m autistic and have been told since I was a small child that I was weird and that’s why I don’t usually let on how I’m feeling to my partner.

OP posts:

Original poster

Nicolelinda96 · 09/09/2021 10:35

Thanks for the helpful replies guys x how do I take this thread down now? I wrote it in the heat of feeling shitty and am Feeling much more clear headed now. Reading it back, it paints me in a pretty bad light and this morning I’m
Feeling a little embarrassed.

OP posts:

WTF475878237NC · 09/09/2021 10:44

You can't take it down automatically I'm afraid. There has to be a reason beyond you just feel embarrassed. You have to ask Mumsnet HQ.

I hope you're feeling better. Please do try to show your husband empathy otherwise your relationship is going to suffer and he will withdraw from you emotionally to protect himself.

brightwhite · 09/09/2021 19:49

I'd do similar to pp and either use opk's and come onto him when you're near/ at peak or tell him you both need a few months off to get the fun going again and lose the pressure that's on both of you.

Naturally when ttc it seems males take it on as 'their job' and if something doesn't happen it's their fault.

DH felt massive pressure when we ttc our first and we were lucky enough to conceive first month.
Currently trying for number 2 for a year now and we both feel the pressure.

Good luck.

Palavah · 09/09/2021 19:57

Breaking your heart
Furious
Broke down and sobbed

These aren't proportionate reactions to ED. 30 is young for your partner to be struggling, and if the ED predates you starting TTC then he should consider seeing a doctor to rule out anything else. But if it's just since you started TTC it's possibly related to him feeling pressure.

Are you talking to someone about your anxiety? It would be worth discussing this with them to see if you can reframe it.

Original poster

Nicolelinda96 · 09/09/2021 20:13

I will reiterate that that initial post was written in the heat of the moment and I am a hell of a lot calmer now. Also, looking back, it wasn’t simply the ED itself, but rather a culmination of the grief and anxiety I had been already feeling for 3 weeks coming to a head. I’ve put a massive amount of pressure on myself to do everything right ttc wise because I want the joy and excitement I felt when I found out I was pregnant back.

I think tears are a perfectly natural reaction to feeling the loss of an MC combined with the pressure of TTC, although said tears were horribly timed

In essence, the initial post is not an accurate representation of my normal reactions to things. I’m usually very level headed, so the fact I’m feeling this way has come as a shock to me too. I didn’t think an MC, particularly an early one would do this to me, but here we are.

OP posts:

SunnySideUp2020 · 10/09/2021 00:06

No i get you. In that sense that you probably did not realise how much pregnancy loss has been affecting you and got into your head to get pregnant again asap as to "bandaid" the pain. I was doing the same after my MC. It's hard... and I see why you got frustrated with your partner now.
But i think for your own sanity and your relationship you guys need to talk maybe about it? About how you both feel? (Apart from the doctor side of things to check)
Could you have some counselling to help you with grieving? And processing what happened?
It is brutal and i am sorry you went through this.

TheDaydreamBelievers · 10/09/2021 13:39

OP, I feel for you. It's so hard to experience miscarriage and I recognise just wanting to be pregnant again.

Its okay to feel upset and angry but as you know jsnt helpful longer term for your relationship or TTC. I'd recommend taking the pressure off for a couple of months and focusing on wellness etc. DTD 2 times a week is enough to conceive

Original poster

Nicolelinda96 · 10/09/2021 14:33

Hey, that’s really reassuring. I’m just a bit confused how that can be enough when there’s a chance of missing the FW? Isnt 3 times a week better?

OP posts:

Babyno1x · 10/09/2021 18:29

Hi @Nicolelinda96 just to give you a bit of reassurance, me and my partner got pregnant twice by having sex just once that month so it's not all about how many times you DTD but more so the timing :)
Good luck! I know the feeling of just so desperately wanting to be pregnant again after a loss. I felt so empty and would sometimes take it out on DP but it only makes things worse

Moonshine160 · 10/09/2021 21:30

I think twice a week is enough to conceive. Your fertile window usually lasts a few days so as long as you have sex during that time frame then you’re giving yourself a good chance.

bollocksthemess · 11/09/2021 16:53

My husband could only ejaculate during sex very rarely, and not at all for 4 months when we decided to TTC.
Look up self insemination if you want to put less pressure on him. We did it every day from day 11 to day 15 of my cycle, got pregnant with twins on cycle three.
It’s not for everyone, but I guarantee I wouldn’t be 10 weeks pregnant now without it. And yes, I did cry about it in front of him. It happens.

Feelingoktoday · 11/09/2021 17:03

You are both very young still OP and all of this should be fun. You need to physically and mentally recover from the MC. How about stop TTC for a few months and just enjoy each other’s company and just date, go away for romantic nights etc. Then , say January start again properly.

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