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Original poster

3rd child or not?

18 replies

shapes1 · 01/09/2021 14:15

I have 2 sons. Ages 3 and 1. 3yo most likely has mild autism and speech delay but autism not diagnosed yet as on waiting list but he will be assessed shortly

Kinda feel I want a 3rd but is it selfish if number one already has special needs.? Number 2 seems very different so far as in very typical I don't think he will be like his brother

OP posts:
PlanDeRaccordement · 01/09/2021 14:18

I wouldn’t think it selfish. If you want a 3rd child and your partner does too and you have a good income and support network, why not?

Urghhhhh · 01/09/2021 14:21

Yes, it would be very selfish. Your second will suffer anyway because your oldest will require more attention and time due to his special needs. Throw a baby in the mix and you'll only make it worse. Have you considered your 3rd might also turn out to have special needs? Are you ready to roll that dice again?

Urghhhhh · 01/09/2021 14:35

Also, number 2 is only one. ASD usually starts to manifest a little later if i remeber correctly.

Why don't you wait a little at least until you have a definitive diagnosis for your first? Then you can reasses if your mental and financial and time resources can stretch to a third.

PlanDeRaccordement · 01/09/2021 17:50

@Urghhhhh

Your post about siblings suffering because they have a brother or sister with special needs makes me uncomfortable. It’s almost like you think special needs children are only a burden?

Yes special needs children require more energy and time, but I have 4 DC, 2 with ASD and 1 with severe dyslexia. I don’t regret having any of them. I think if you want another child, you already know you can take on that child even if they too might have special needs. I kind of knew the chances were high for me as I’m “special needs” myself with ADHD and schizophrenia. But I also know my life and the lives of my children are worthwhile and we bring each other a lot of joy and happiness.

Urghhhhh · 01/09/2021 18:04

[quote PlanDeRaccordement]@Urghhhhh

Your post about siblings suffering because they have a brother or sister with special needs makes me uncomfortable. It’s almost like you think special needs children are only a burden?

Yes special needs children require more energy and time, but I have 4 DC, 2 with ASD and 1 with severe dyslexia. I don’t regret having any of them. I think if you want another child, you already know you can take on that child even if they too might have special needs. I kind of knew the chances were high for me as I’m “special needs” myself with ADHD and schizophrenia. But I also know my life and the lives of my children are worthwhile and we bring each other a lot of joy and happiness.[/quote]
Ask grownup siblings of special needs kids and you will see the overwhelming majority felt less important, their needs coming second and resentful of what they missed out on.

mummabear20202022 · 01/09/2021 20:41

My little brother has autism, he only excelled with having all of us (brothers and sisters) around.

He does really well with changes to his routine, manages to display his emotions to us (even telling us he loves us back) does well with hugs and is great with his nieces (albiet only for a short while before he decides to go off to de-stimulate). I firmly believe it's because he had no choice but to be around us, and there was not one day similar to the next. We didn't actually know he had autism until he was 14!

Not selfish at all, it could honestly make him more accepting to some of the hurdles people with autism struggle with!

Winecurestiredness · 01/09/2021 20:46

Just my experience but..autistic DS1 tends to ignore DS2 a lot..they are now 9 and 5, DS1 is more into his own world than anyone else, and that's ok, but it does upset DS2. We did have a Ds3 but sadly he died as a newborn. I'm now infertile so no more siblings for DS2. And I do feel awful.

PlanDeRaccordement · 01/09/2021 22:19

Ask grownup siblings of special needs kids and you will see the overwhelming majority felt less important, their needs coming second and resentful of what they missed out on.

Do you have a source for this? I don’t see this in my family.

mummabear20202022 · 01/09/2021 22:34

@PlanDeRaccordement

Ask grownup siblings of special needs kids and you will see the overwhelming majority felt less important, their needs coming second and resentful of what they missed out on.

Do you have a source for this? I don’t see this in my family.

Or mine! Ridiculous statement.
Elisemum · 02/09/2021 04:38

@Urghhhhh god what horrible statements you are making. Every child, special needs or not will benefit from a sibling. If OP wants to have another baby then absolutely she should go for it. If she doesn’t then that’s fine too. I’m sure having one boy with special needs she knows exactly what to expect and she is a great mum. Completely up to you and your partner OP and if you can afford it go for it x

Chunkymenrock · 02/09/2021 04:51

Quit while you're ahead, I say. Two children is plenty. Think of the impact to the planet. There are already far too many people.

theculture · 02/09/2021 05:04

I think there is evidence that autism runs in families so that would be a big consideration if I were you - enough to investigate further before making a decision anyway

Urghhhhh · 02/09/2021 07:41

@PlanDeRaccordement

Ask grownup siblings of special needs kids and you will see the overwhelming majority felt less important, their needs coming second and resentful of what they missed out on.

Do you have a source for this? I don’t see this in my family.

www.researchgate.net/publication/309462071_Parentification_of_adult_siblings_of_individuals_with_autism_spectrum_disorder_Distress_sibling_relationship_attitudes_and_the_role_of_social_support

"Family environments that include a child with ASD are often characterized by higher than typical levels of parental stress (for a review, see Hayes & Watson, 2013). As noted earlier, associated symptoms of ASD often coincide with the primary symptoms. These challenging symptoms likely result in further stress in the family environment (Hastings & Brown, 2002). As part of a qualitative study, Tozer, Atkin, and Wenham (2013) interviewed adult siblings of individuals with ASD, who reported that, as children, they felt an obligation to relieve some of their parent’s stress by caring for their brother or sister with ASD. Research has shown that many TD siblings do in fact take on an inordinate number of caregiving roles within the home (Hooper, Doehler, Wallace, & Hannah, 2011). This phenomenon of children assuming a high level of caregiving behaviors that are typically performed by adults is described as parentification, and this often occurs in families that include a child with a disability or debilitating illness (Hooper, Doehler et al., 2011). ...
However, high levels of parentification have been associated with negative outcomes such as feelings of rejection or psychopathology, including anxiety disorders, personality disorders, and eating disorders, that persist into adulthood (Hooper, 2012; Hooper, DeCoster, White, & Voltz, 2011; Hooper, Doehler et al., 2011). Some TD siblings of individuals with ASD report having felt guilt in adulthood when they left home to begin their own lives, along with continued struggles related to balancing commitments to their disabled brother or sister with other aspects of their lives (e.g., their own children, their careers; Tozer et al."

Urghhhhh · 02/09/2021 08:29

[quote Elisemum]@Urghhhhh god what horrible statements you are making. Every child, special needs or not will benefit from a sibling. If OP wants to have another baby then absolutely she should go for it. If she doesn’t then that’s fine too. I’m sure having one boy with special needs she knows exactly what to expect and she is a great mum. Completely up to you and your partner OP and if you can afford it go for it x[/quote]
"Every child, special needs or not will benefit from a sibling." - have a source for that?

What a silly sweeping generalisation!
Some kids are bullies, some have behavioral and mental issues that make the homes of their siblings unsafe and terrifing. Some kids' special needs drain their parent’s resources (emotional and financial) completely and leave nothing for their siblings. How is that beneficial to the siblings?

And even in absence of mental health issues or special needs, some siblings simply hate each other and have close to zero contact once they're adults. Happens more often than you think.

PlanDeRaccordement · 02/09/2021 13:24

@Urghhhhh
Thank you for posting one study which, incidentally does not show that “the vast majority” of siblings of SEN children end up feeling that way as you have claimed.

In fact this study says that the data is mixed.....

“Many typically-developing (TD) siblings provide care for their siblings with autism spectrum disorder (ASD), both as children and as adults. Research on parentification (i.e., when children assume responsibilities typically reserved for adults) has been mixed, with some studies supporting positive outcomes for TD siblings and others indicating negative outcomes. Some of these discrepancies may be due to inconsistencies in differentiating types of parentification. The current study examined how different types of parentification during childhood (retrospectively-reported) related to distress outcomes and attitudes about sibling relationships among 41 TD adult siblings of individuals with ASD. Results indicated that parent-focused parentification was positively related with anxiety and stress among TD siblings. Sibling-focused parentification was positively related to stress but was also related to more positive sibling relationship attitudes. Accounting for demographic variables and the other form of parentification, parent-focused parentification was a unique predictor of distress, whereas sibling-focused parentification was a unique predictor of positive sibling relationship attitudes. Although parentification is often viewed negatively, sibling-focused parentification and perceived benefits of parentification may predict positive outcomes. Results suggest that parentification may prove important in understanding the complex nature of sibling relationships. Specifically, strengthening the sibling bond and reducing parent-focused parentification during childhood may curtail sibling relationship problems and general distress in TD siblings later in life.”
link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10826-016-0627-y

Urghhhhh · 02/09/2021 17:19

If you're more inclined to listen to real life stories have a look here and see if you spot a pattern:

www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/523dtg/seriousredditors_who_grew_up_with_a_severely/

PlanDeRaccordement · 02/09/2021 18:13

Ah, so when the scientific research doesn’t say what you claimed it said, you decide to retreat to anecdotal evidence on reddit of all places. While simultaneously ignoring the anecdotal evidence on this very thread.

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