36 and worried about delaying TTC

[aliceml]

Hi all, my partner and I conceived in January, but sadly at the end of March when I was 11 weeks, I started spotting and scans revealed development had stopped at 6 weeks. I had a traumatic miscarriage at 11 weeks 5 days. The midwives in EPU didn't prepare me for what would happen and it's taken this long to build up my mental strength again. I've been so stressed and depressed.
I turned 36 in June and this month I have completed 5 years service with my employer, which now entitles me to a career break - i.e. between 3-12 months unpaid leave.
My partner is about to come into some inheritance and thinks since we are not pregnant, we should turn this into an opportunity to travel together for a few months. A last hurrah.
I have massive reservations about delaying trying to conceive, given what's already happened and my age, I want two kids. There is also all the organising of our flat and subletting that, figuring this out with my boss and team - I have to apply in advance, so it will take some time to sort it out, concerns about travel and coronavirus, concerns the money would be useful in mat leave. concerns what if i get pregnant before we go and we lose money. I also feel like it's harsh on my team to go off travelling for a few months to then come back, get pregnant and go off again on mat leave.
I just want to stay at home start trying again and maybe go on a nice far-flung holiday somewhere. The idea of backpacking for months just doesn't appeal anymore.
I feel so bad because my partner really wants us to see a bit of the world together and he thinks after everything we've been through and the stress of lockdowns etc that I really, really need a break. I do! Once we have kids we won't be able to do much for ourselves together for 20 years. He says that as we were pregnant , at least we know everything works and can get back to trying when we're away or when we get back. But I feel so anxious about travel in underdeveloped countries and delaying starting a family. I don't have the luxury of fertility youth on my side to go off with such reckless abandon.

What do I do? Let go off the stresses and go for it, or be sensible and regret not doing this trip and disappointing my partner?
What would you do?

Backpacking in a pandemic doesn't sound appealing regardless of your age. Especially if you're travelling to countries without much access to vaccines.

How long does he want to go travelling for? Could you compromise and do a six week trip to a couple of places? You can see a lot in six weeks, and timed right might only be one FW!

You could also do a fertility MOT. They're around £200 to £300ish depending on where you get it done. They will test your AMH and give you an idea of how much time you have left. Low AMH doesn't mean you can't conceive without assistance, but it does mean your timeframe is reduced. It also doesn't tell you about egg quality, which decreases with age regardless of how many you have. But it would be useful in informing your decision.

On a practical point, I reckon we’re a very long way off backpacking being possible. Lots of long haul destinations are still closed for foreign visitors or only opening their most touristy spots. The days of casually catching a bus across borders aren’t going to come back for a while. In normal times I’d understand your partner’s wish but I think you’re months away from being able to do anything that resembles proper travelling and that means a longer delay.

Emotionally I think it’s hard to ask you to defer if you’re ready to TTC. Backpacking won’t be fun if you really want to be at home trying to get pregnant. A last hurrah sounds great if you’re both up for it (and not in the middle of a pandemic), but I think you’ll resent him if it’s not what you want.

Why don’t you discuss taking some time off during maternity leave and travelling then?Obviously it’s no walk in the park but some people manage it very successfully. Another option could be travel before the child starts school and you still have flexibility.

Please do not do it. Me and my husband were reckless travelers in my early 30's. We'd just get on the car and drive wherever we could(We live in the states). Hours and days of driving, eating crap with no regard for our bodies.

We have been trying to get pregnant all along for 6 years now. I have gotten pregnant a few times but have no children to show. I totally empathize with you on your miscarriage. 36 is already the other end of the naturally conceivable spectrum. Time is gold at this age.

It is not to say you cannot get pregnant while travelling. Being practical is better than hoping for a miracle. What I have learnt in these last 6 years is that, pregnancy happens when body and mind are at ease, especially when we are in our 30's. Early 20's and 20's can be different. The kind of travel you are suggesting in the pandemic doesn't sound fun at all. Just my opinion. Good luck to you

The kind of travel you are suggesting in the pandemic doesn't sound fun at all.

This. I would get on with getting pregnant. Plan a trip for a few years from now, before your child starts school and when travel's fun again.

Thank you all for your replies! Good, it seems I'm not alone in thinking that travelling at the moment is not the one! As it happens, I am now 7 weeks pregnant, so I'm keeping all the hope in my heart focussed on that. I'm scheduling in early scans, as in the UK you have to wait until at least 12 weeks, regardless of whether you had a miscarriage or not. So I'm booked in for one in a couple of days and will also do another around 10 weeks. God, I hope this time works out.

Kennetrose - I think we will do a trip when the kid is a toddler. I had fertility tests when I was turning 33, still single and considering egg freezing. Everything was healthy with good reserve.

Moancup - As I'm pregnancy again now we will definitely be putting a trip on the backburner for a while. It'll just be a different type of trip then what was imagined.

Amlamum - I'm hoping this current pregnancy sticks. Such a worrying time, people tell you to stay calm, but it's so hard, knowing that time is ticking.

Skiptheheartsandflowers - Yes, exactly! It's mad out there at the moment. No way I can deal with going to developing countries right now - even if I wasn't pregnant. I think it would be fun to go on a trip with a toddler and maybe make a second one while were on it. Fingers crossed it all works out.

I’d def focus on pregnancy. Travel would be far from fun now!

Congratulations aliceml. I have everything crossed that this one sticks for you.

If all goes well, there is nothing to stop you travelling later, with baby. Friends of ours took off for six months when their daughter was 14weeks old. They had an amazing time, as she was largely immobile and still at the stage where time was largely irrelevant.

Congratulations @aliceml I am actually a crazy traveller. Was travelling and hiking up to 7 weeks pregnant and didn’t know I was pregnant. Then being about 5 months pregnant I felt my body wanted some gentle hiking which I did. And then travelled a bit on my own in Europe with my 8 months. Couldnt do hiking but went with funiculars on top of the mountains where I could with my baby.
Good luck with pregnancy !