Feeling a terrible person...

[AwkwardPaws27]

... so I'm posting here to vent instead of telling anyone in real life.

I feel jealous. Really envious. DBIL & his partner are visiting the inlaws with our gorgeous nephew. We've popped over for a few hours this afternoon. It's been lovely, but it hurts to see him, as we were expecting at the same time as them and miscarried (a couple of days before our first wedding anniversary).

I think I may have PTSD. Which sounds ridiculous, but I can't seem to plan another pregnancy without assuming it will be another miscarriage. I put a hold on TTC because of Covid (couldn't face going to a scan or having a miscarriage alone). We're tentatively starting to try again, but all I can think is "if I get pregnant now, then we'll miscarry on holiday / my husband's birthday / at Christmas".

Our 10 month old puppy (who, let's face it, is basically my baby replacement - although we'd always planned to have a dog) is currently in the vet hospital. He was admitted on our 3rd wedding anniversary. I'm worried sick and I just feel like crying.

I don't know why I'm posting. Probably because AF is about to arrive and my "baby" is sick and our gorgeous nephew just makes me think "what if".

Title should be "Feeling like...". Obviously.

No you’re not a terrible person. I was the same when I thought I’d never have a baby. I hated seeing my nephew,even though I have an amazing relationship with my sister (his mum)

I got a dog, then a 2nd dog, and had puppies from the 2nd dog and kept one. I came to terms with it all and bang it happened (not conventionally but it happened nonetheless)

I hope your pup is ok

It’s ok to feel like that. Don’t let it eat you up though.
I’m sorry your fur baby is sick and hope he will be ok.
You can’t think about what might happen, it’ll consume you. If you need a cry, have one. What will be, will be, you have no control. Wish you all the best, maybe book some time away if you can, once pups is better. Try and relax or at least do something to take your mind off things.

I 100% understand how you're feeling. ❤️ plenty of space to rant here 🥰

I feel so sad that our wedding anniversary just makes me think of the miscarriage.
I just want my pup home, I'm so worried about him.

@AwkwardPaws27 I hope he's okay. What's wrong with him? X

We don't know; he's very lethargic & not eating. He's had lots of different tests, no diagnosis yet, but today he seemed a bit brighter and even managed to walk around a bit so hopefully a step in the right direction.

How are things today? @AwkwardPaws27

OP if you’re a terrible person than so am I. I can’t deal with my SIL’s pregnancy. Seeing DP’s parents so happy makes me so envious. I don’t think you’re alone in struggling.

I think I'm just very stressed, not sleeping well worrying about pup (no real change; we visited him but he won't eat), and PMS not helping!
It was lovely seeing nephew for a few hours but it is hard; they live quite a long way from us so distance & the restrictions meant we've not spent much time with him until recently, so the feelings are still a bit raw. He came straight over to me for a cuddle though, which was lovely.

Wishing you all the best things will understandably be raw for awhile. I hope your pup is better soon.

Thanks all - sometimes it helps just to acknowledge the "ugly thoughts" in a safe space. I appreciate your kind words x

So it turns out it wasn't PMS! I'm excited & nervous in equal measure but trying not to worry.

congratulations so happy for you h&h 9 months!

Thank you! DH is away until Monday evening (talk about timing) but going to wait til he's home to tell him. Really hoping everything goes well this time!

... and now I'm bleeding. EPAU have set up a scan for Sunday but it's bright red blood, relatively heavy & clotty, so not looking good

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I know it will be horrible waiting for answers.