Grief process of accepting potentially only having 1 child

[Zenlifeforme]

I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment.
I know this thread won’t be anything new.

Starting trying for our second at Christmas and had two failed attempts (1 blighted ovem MC and second chemical pregnancy).
Due to start again trying this month but the anxiety seems to be delaying ovulation this month. I have been checking CM and doing the wee sticks but nothing. I should have ovulated earlier this week.

I feel such overwhelming grief about it all. I find myself in utter disbelief I won’t get pregnant again and we won’t have another child.
I absolutely see what a wonderful life I will have if just us three. And I see huge benefits to only having 1, but it’s like this wasn’t what I planned and im finding it hard to shift into neutral.
I seem to be terribly stuck in this place right now. Feel sick and anxious a lot of time. Find work and talking to people draining. Think I am suffering with anxiety and depression. Want desperately to test our fertility and ‘do something’ but ultimately know that if it’s not to be there isn’t much I can do (can’t afford, and don’t want to do, IVF).

Can’t seem to release the pressure of the situation. Only way to get peace is going to the place where I completely accept we are just a 3 family, (when I’ve done that and said to my OH ‘let’s not try’ I feel peace -and my cycles are regular. Last time we tried -the chemical pregnancy- my ovulation was a week late and now this time it seems to be delayed. I feel it’s related to the stress).
I can’t seem to relax into ‘trying but not trying’ as my MIL advised.

I know grief isn’t linear. I just wonder when I am going to be able to drop these intense thoughts and feelings. Is it just time?

I’m 38 so I feel the time pressure too, which doesn’t help.

Oh gwad.

I think time helps, though I've not been through pregnancy losses which I suspect is different. I found the book Parenting your only child helped me process the reasons for wanting another. We're now 6 years since starting trying for DC2 at a similar age to you and the thought of going back to the baby years has become a very daunting prospect, which helps. But I still can't face going on contraception even though I probably should.

How old is your DC?
We had difficulty first time round - was 2 years 8 months and we were about to go on the IVF waiting list. Fertility problems on both sides which have only got worse since. My heart broke over not having another. It’s been tough. But it’s gradually got easier. I’m almost 40 now, DD is 8 and I find myself thinking how tough it would be to do it all again now - sleepless nights, nappies, fitting stuff in around naps etc - DD is pretty independent now. There’s been no quick fix for not having a second, I’m sad DD won’t have a sibling, she’d have loved to be a big sister but it won’t happen. My head is okay with it, my heart doesn’t ache like it once did.

Without asking maybe the obvious, what are you doing differently in the months when you try vs don’t try? Is it just tracking ovulation or activity trying to not get pregnant some months? You do seem to be putting yourself under an enormous amount of pressure.

Have you considered doing a fertility MOT? It’s around £300 and they check your AMH levels and do an ultrasound. It’s not an exact science but when I had one at 37 and found out I had the ovaries of a 34 year old (they don’t tell you that exactly, that was my assessment of the results), it was somewhat reassuring. You could also get your partner to do a speed test, those are cheaper. Might give you the sense of doing something.

I’m sorry this is such a hard time for you!

Thanks @pjani I’ve found the MOT test online yeh. have to take the test of day 3 of cycle right. so it’s hard when I’m trying as not sure if I’ll have AF or not. And tests only valid for 1 month. I feel like if I say ok let’s not try next month and so the tests then I’ll just ovulate (and want to try 🤦🏽‍♀️). That’s good re ovaries of a 34 year old 👍🏼😄. I do think it might help to tackle the anxiety, like you say.

On months when not trying @caffeinemonster we use condoms. It’s been mainly the months right after the pregnancy losses so I’ve felt I wanted a bit of time, so actively not trying then.

@thepontiacbandit that’s hard, sorry it took so long for you. I am reassured your heart doesn’t ache. It’s so tough.

I will try and find ways to chill out. It’s so hard 🤪.

Thanks all for kind words 💕

I actually didn’t have a period then so didn’t do the day 3 test. But private ivf clinics are set up to provide services based on the day a woman gets her period or ovulates or whatever so presumably you’d book in once you got your period, you wouldn’t need to know when it will come in advance. And you could still ttc that month no problems, day 1 being the first day of your period, day 3 still being period time and very low chance of ovulation.

I might not be understanding something though.

I’m sure you’ve thought about all this before but are there diet/exercise things you can change? Have you read Taking Charge of Your Fertility? Sperm Meets Egg plan?

I am suggesting these things to help you have a sense of ‘doing something’ not because I’m suggesting you’re unhealthy btw.

It's hideous and hard, the acceptance. I'm tentatively trying to accept it. My DS1 is 4, but in the past 12 months we've lost DS2 at 21+4 (TFMR after a severe, life limiting and life threatening diagnosis) then a chemical, then a MMC last month. I can't see me ever bringing a live, healthy baby home again.

I adore my DS, he is the light of my life, I'm really trying to focus on the wonder of him and not the grief and loss, literal and theoretical.

It's shit

Thanks @pjani I understand what you are saying completely there, thanks for your advice I appreciate it.

I have read taking charge (ironically only just this month, and the temperature tracking is confusing me as I’m apparently in post ovulation temperature range now. But then it’s bound to be confusing to start tracking at same time as TTC as I have no basic pattern to compare it to 🤦🏽‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️🤯. Plus my wake times are all over the place as DD wakes at diff times each day -so they could be redundant results anyway 🤦🏽‍♀️).

Oh yeh the fertility clinic would be easy I see what you are saying now. Only thing is, and I did look into it, I was put off by how invasive it was -had to do an internal ultrasound, I didn’t like the idea of anything going inside me. It was £400 for us both. Did you have that done? What was it like if so?

The tests I’m talking about are ones you order online and do on day 3 then send back, finger prick tests. (tests are LH, oestrogen, FSH, AMH). I found a naturopath doctor in the states who does $1 consultations online, and she needed these 4 test results before having the consultation with me). I feel like I could do all this and go down this route and it would feel productive. They also recommend a therapy called low level laser therapy and I even found a therapist near me who would do it, and wouldn’t charge me the earth. So I feel like there are lots of things I can try.

I just sort of feel sometimes, like yesterday, extremely fatalistic. It sort of simmers away in the background. Then occasionally it pops up throwing water on my already delicate, flame of hope. Like god/Mother Nature has ruled it’s not for me and I need to just accept it.
It’s probably wonky thinking and I agree that ‘doing something’ and feeling hopeful is a much better place to be in. I feel more hopeful today, which is much nicer.
None of this is linear I guess. Just hard during those darker times to not feel so utterly defeated.

@SemiFeralDalek, it’s so hard isn’t it. I’m so sorry for the hard times you’ve had in recent times. I see what you are saying about slowly accepting it. But then you might not have to accept it. Could very well happen for you. It really does feel like being in the hands of the gods doesn’t it, it’s not nice 💕