TTC properly for the first time after stillbirth

[Youseethethingis]

I've lurked and dipped my toe around here a couple of times after false alarms, but I'm officially one of the crazy people with OPKs and pre pregnancy multi vitamins for the first time ever as of last night. What has become of me?!
So my story is I came off the pill a few years ago, DH and I decided to see what happens so none of this tracking and obsessing. Conceived DS1 after about 8 months.
DS1 was a dream baby and swiftly followed by DS2 (due date 1 year and 3 days after DS1 due date!)
As per title, DS2 was stillborn at 35 weeks. I developed acute fatty liver of pregnancy and was within a few hours of death myself.
Post mortem revealed that DS was utterly perfect, his wee body just couldn't cope with my illness, which was only diagnosed around 12 hours after he was born when they realised I was losing consciousness and not just tired after 5am birth and being hauled about a theatre still semi conscious as they tried to remove my placenta.
Genetic testing revealed nothing. No particular reason why this happened and therefore no real idea if it could happen again. I was hit by lightning as far as they can tell.
I strongly felt when I was pregnant with DS2 that he was not my last baby, even though I've never wanted to 3 because that's a pest of a number to manage lets be honest! Nevertheless, I couldn't seem to shake that feeling. I still feel now that DH and I have a third baby hovering somewhere, just waiting for us to bring them into the world.
Which brings me to now. It's be over a year and after thinking I was pregnant a few months ago to being a week late and solid BFNs this month (AF has now been and gone) I'm ready to Try Properly.
Utterly terrified of being pregnant again. I will be monitored to within an inch of my life (what happened is so rare, the doctor is using me as a case study) and any sniff of trouble I will be admitted and baby delivered if necessary. It's a very survivable condition with no I'll effects if only it is diagnosed in time, but still it's alot to process.
So yeah, just looking for a hand hold I suppose. How did everyone else cope with the emotional side of TTC and carrying their rainbow?

I just wanted to offer a handhold. I don't have any useful advice, but couldn't let your thread go unanswered.

You write with such love about your DS2. I'm so sorry he was stillborn.

I think everyone copes differently, but I found talking about it helpful. My partner was a huge help too. I’m so sorry about your DS2.

My DD was stillborn at 35.5 weeks too (I had severe pre-eclampsia and placental abruption) and we went on to have DS 14months after she died (so conceived about 5months after).

We didn't really try to conceive though. I was still on medication so couldn't take the pilll and a tipsy husband on his birthday led to a condom mishap. In hindsight though it was probably for the best, as i don't know if I'd ever have been 'brave enough' to have actively made the decision to try again.

I'll be honest, the pregnancy was tough - I couldn't get excited about it, pck names and struggled to bond with the baby. But I was closely monitored throughout (as you will be too), including monitoring twice a week from 35 weeks and then daily from 39 weeks with the option to be induced whenever I wanted after 38 weeks (although in the end I cancelled 2 x induction dates and held on until 40 +3 before being induced). Immediately after his birth was also tough, and I didn't want to hold him, but he quickly grew on me

I wish you the very best of luck and hopefully you'll soon be holding your blessed third baby

I’m so sorry to read about your perfect little boy. I have no words of wisdom for you but hope you find the support you are looking for on here.

Thanks for the messages everyone..
@Blueboys2009 I think you've probably hit on what my current problem is. DS2 was a happy accident while we were distracted elsewhere, and we've been sort of drifting between using condoms, not particularly having much sex sometimes, other times hoping one lucky shot will get me pregnant and our minds would be made up for us and no option but to get on with it. All over the place really.
Now entering the realm of properly and deliberately TTC and it feels so scary, partly because we now know we want it so badly but also because of the anxiety pregnancy itself will bring.
On top of all this, I don't do pregnant very well, I get terrible sickness, just on the right side of hyperemesis to stay out of hospital but still no fun. Hence the symptoms of AFLP didn't really register as I'm so used to feeling like shit and being sick alot while pregnant. I only went to hospital at all because DS had passed away and triggered labour.
I can't even begin to imagine what it takes mentally to be pregnant again after such a loss.

I am so sorry this happened to you and the loss of your lovely son. It is so unfair.

I had still born twins , we were casually trying to concieve for a couple of years and it was my first pregnancy and was quite relaxed about the whole thing. After they died I was consumed with trying for another baby and was very honest with my husband about my utter desperation. We were not in a good place mentally but honestly focusing on getting pregnant I think did help me cope. We used the sperm meets egg plan and used conceive plus, as I wanted to maximise the chances. Being honest, we had some very sad and functional sex but it did the trick and I got pregnant 3 months after my twins died.

Due to the stillbirth I had lots of monitoring from the hospital. They were fab, extra scans, lots of time to ask questions. That made things much easier. I never enjoyed the pregnancy. I could not think about a live baby so did not buy any baby gear and did not go to any antenatal classes, didn't talk to many people about the pregnancy. It was a very stressful time but I felt so much better being pregnant as I had hope again and a focus and I don't think giving myself more time after the twins death would have made the pregnancy any easier emotionally or mentally.

I had a relatively normal pregnancy, I wanted to be induced so had a very medicalised birth with loads of doctors, all scanning and poking me constantly, watching the monitoring machine, which I know sounds awful for many but really reassured me that everyone was on my side doing their best. I had the same midwife (by coincidence) that delivered my twins which was sad and lovely all at the same time, she was really rooting for me and my baby).

I am now the very happy owner of a lovely healthy child! Everyday I think of my twins and I am leaning to live with the sadness, anger and utter loss of them. I am much more anxious about things, especially about my child but I am also more grateful, I waste less time and have more patience with my child than I think I would have if I had not experienced such a loss.

I have no guilt about not enjoying my pregnancy. I bought baby stuff after baby was born and bonded great.

I think it will be terrifying for you, be honest about this, tell your family and the medical staff if/when you get pregnant and they will understand. Don't put any pressure on yourself to enjoy it, just do what you need to do to get through it. I hope some of my ramble is helpful.