I don't want to go to a scan

[LittleGwyneth]

I realise that I'm probably being stupid but I could really use a handhold and maybe some baby dust.

As part of investigation for PCOS I am due to have a scan on Thursday morning. It's at the exact same part of the exact same hospital where I found out that I had had a MMC almost two years ago, so I have a fair amount of trauma associated with it.

My hormone levels from the GP are pretty much normal, my testosterone is apparently fractionally above the upper limit but the GP said it was not of concern and almost negligible.

I'm terrified they're going to scan me and tell me that there's something terribly wrong (possibly as a result of the operations I had to have after my miscarriage) and that I won't ever be able to have pregnant.

I'm also - even more illogically - worried because I ovulated on Sunday so will be 4/5 DPO on Thursday. Will they be able to tell me that I'm not pregnant straight away, or would it be too early to tell even with a trans vaginal ultrasound? I don't know why, I just feel like finding out in the same place as the MMC that I'm not pregnant again would be extra hard.

Should I cancel and try to rearrange? Or put my big girl pants on (and then take them off(!) and just do it?

Way too early to tell, even if you had conceived. Theres nothing to see till about 3 weeks after ovulation.

But, you are not being unreasonable to feel so stressed about the scan. If it helps, damage from MMC surgery is vanishingly rare. When I had my MMC a family friend who is a gynaecology consultant told me she had literally never seen it.

Wishing you all the best @LittleGwyneth

@thedaydreambelievers thank you. that's really kind, and was very much what I needed to hear.

Totally understand your fear of returning to the same place.
Download something good to do or watch when you're in the waiting room and if you can, tell the technician that you are feeling apprehensive and why. So that they can (hopefully) talk to you and explain what they see while they're scanning you. Rather than lying there in silence in dread

I find it really difficult to go to the same hospital where my losses happened, too. Hand hold, OP. You are being really strong.

Just think that one day this will no longer be the place where you experience just pain, but the place where you hopefully will experience the happiness of a new baby as well.

Thank you @davidrosejumper @chachachawoo - both such kind and considered comments. Means a lot.

Hang in there, you are definitely not alone. I am having a scan tomorrow morning as well. We can do it!

Perhaps you can tell them your concerns about being several days DPO, just so they know?

@davidrosejumper how was yours?

I was relieved by mine - I do have some cysts on my ovaries, but I'm ovulating as expected and she thought things looked pretty good in there. Apparently I need to give it longer and try to stress less (quelle suprise!)

I am happy yours went well. It must be such a relief that it looks ok down there!

Mine unfortunately wasn't great, perpetuating the hospital's status as the place of doom. They discovered my new pregnancy is a blighted ovum, so I am now fully in the 'how do you want to manage this loss' stage (and ironically, really nauseous, as my body thinks it is pregnant).

It is my third pregnancy loss in a year, after losses at 8 and 23 weeks. I just feel right now that parenthood is never ever going to happen for us. I am sure I will have a bit more perspective in a few days, after I have processed the news, but right now I just don't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

@LittleGwyneth I'm glad your scan went well but I get so furious when people say to you "try to stress less". Being stressed about conceiving is completely normal and will not be the source of a problem. You aren't doing anything wrong or stopping your body becoming pregnant by worrying. Likewise, I also hate the "I stopped thinking about it for one month and fell pregnant" brigade.
Sent from a seasoned IVF-er with five years of infertility and a happy ending. I got pregnant in the middle of the worst mental breakdown I have ever experienced in my life.

@davidrosejumper I am so fucking sorry That is far, far too much loss for one person to have to go through. Handhold and baby dust.

@lifeandlemons I totally get that. It didn't bother me personally but I understand why for lots of people it's a super unhelpful statement.

Thanks so much, OP. Onwards and upwards!