Age old question about talking to dp about ttc!

[hopefully]

Sorry, this has probably been discussed a billion times before, but a friend put me onto this site, promising me that i'm guaranteed to get some sensible advice here!

Basically, I expected to be single throughout my twenties, concentrate on my career, meet a nice chap in my late twenties and have a family in my thirties.

The reality is that I'm in my mid twenties, been with the perfect man for a couple of years now, we live together, both have god jobs and everything is rosy (cue vomiting).

When we first got together I thought (and said) that my career was v important, and I didn't want to rush into family etc etc, which suited him too. However, with my perfect situation, I've become absolutely certain that I want to start a family sooner rather than later, and now I need to broach the subject again with him.

Any tips for broaching it and talking about my change of heart without seeming like a crazy baby obsessed hormonal woman who deserves a flat no? I am sure he will be open to talking about it, I just want to give the conversation the best possible chance!

I assume he knows how you feel about him? If so, all you can do is just see how he would feel about it, and that means talking openly about it. I think as long as you make clear that if he isn't ready yet to commit in such way you would be fine wiht it, then he shouldn't feel under pressure.
Not much help, but at least it will be bumped up for the late afternoon people.

Thanks for that 3ANM. He does definitely know how I feel about him .

Now I just need to find a tactful way of explaining how I feel about starting a family. Am also hoping I can keep a mature head on if he says he isn't ready yet. Any tips on managing that one also appreciated!

Could you test the ground by making comments when you pass a young mum in the street about how nice it is, etc....now I know hints don't work with many men....rofl...but might get him to start thinking about it.
If he says he isn't ready, try to find out how he feels in general about it, for the future I mean, if he is completely adverse to the idea, you may hvae to make some decisions.....

My approach to conversations like this is always a fairly business like one. Set an agenda in your ahead so you keep on the point, explain your reasons why and ask lots of questions.

I personally would ask it in a how would you feel if we started trying for a baby in 3 years? Then ask, how would you feel if we started trying for a baby in three months?

Pre empt any concerns or objections he might have so you can overcome them without getting flustered or taking it personally. HTH, good luck! Let us know how it goes

Do you know anyone who has recently had a baby? Can you mention them and gauge his reaction?

Hi Hopefully, I think with a lot of men the 'baby talk' is difficult. I am sure there are guys out there who get broody and want to start a family, but for most of the couples I know with kids, it was the woman who led them down that road.

I am in a similar position to you and feel that next year I'd like to ttc (though I have a few issues with my job which might interfere with that plan). Nonetheless I thinking early 09 at the latest to start trying. I have chatted to DH about this and while he is not against the idea, he doesn't exactly exude enthusiasm! Maybe we expect too much of men - at the end of the day, they don't have wombs and they don't have hormones rushing round their bodies each month like we do

My advice would be to just be as honest with him as possible, talk about a possible timeframe and gauge his reaction. Let us know how you get on.

have you tried just popping into mothercare for no apparent reason?

sorry...

I didn't have to broach it with dh as I made it clear I wanted kids early on. but if the relationship is healthy you should just be able to mention it shouldn't you?

if he says not yet (I doubt he'll say no), then you could talk about compromise I suppose - say, in 2 years time or something. whatever you do, don't let him get away with "it's not a good time now". there is always a reason why now is not good, but if he has a specific timeframe, like "when we've bougt a 2 bedroom house" or something like that, that's OK. then you just need ot get down to the estate agents!

Thanks for all the ideas! Think I should try Senora's first

We have a nice Saturday all to ourselves tomorrow, and if everything's nice and relaxed I'm going to try to bring it up then. I think I'm ok if he wants to wait a while (provided he has a good reason, double spaced on two sides of A4), but I definitely want to start talking about it so I feel I'm making progress.

His sis has a baby which he dotes on, so I'm hoping he'll be one of the rare broody men. Fat chance, but worth a shot.

I'll let you know how it goes on Monday

Hi Hopefully I've just read your thread and being open and honest is definatly the best option. A small essay is on the way (sorry).

I had been dropping hints to my dh for months, to no ovale, and then some friends of ours announced they were expecting which then turned me into a blubbering wreak. My dh thought I was having some sort of mental breakdown as he had no idea why I was so upset. Long story short we ended up having a blazing row with dh saying he didn't feel ready yet. I reluctently agree to wait but he gave me no time frame for when he would feel ready and thats how it stayed for about a month and a half.
I then decided that I would proberly go insane if i didn't bring the subject of ttc up so i bit the bullet and we sat down and had an "adult" conversation. I was totally honest about how I felt which shocked him abit as he didn't relise how much I wanted a baby and I discovered that after talking, not screaming at him, dh thought that maybe it would be cool to have a baby.
We've been trying for a while and although I had a m/c in sept things are good.
I suppose what I'm trying to say is don't drop hints as it could backfire (see above) but talk to him you never know he could be up for it and if he needs abit of time thats cool but just discuss a time frame, say 3 months, and then discuss it again. Alot can happen in that time
But good luck let us know how it goes and very sorry for the long post

hi hopefully, hope you have managed to talk to your dp today..
really don't want to sound a negative note but a friend of mine was in your position a few years ago and ended up just leaving it for the sake of peace and practicality.. but now her and her dh have been trying for a baby for over a year with no luck yet and she says that she wishes they had just gotten going a bit sooner! Deciding you are ready to have a baby doesn't necessarily mean you will get pg immediately so if you think you and your dp have a happy future together then i would get broaching it with him! All the best

What about brining up marriage first?

I'm not married but we have 2 dd's (one from previous and 1 together) i've also changed our surnames to his, we all live together adn act as if we are married, i'd like to be married but he doesn't see the need to spend money on a party when we are practically already married. So my advice is if you want to be married, marry him first because once you already have children you have more important things to spend money on!
(but definatly have the time frame baby chat before you agree to marriage.........)

Thanks for all the words of wisdom, much appreciated.

So, I spoke to dp on saturday about it, and he was totally shocked, as it hadn't occured to him in any way that I might have been rethinking the vague conversations about starting a family in 5 years time - kgirl, you're definitely right about hints not working, as I'd been trying to drop some for a few weeks, clearly to no avail!

He was initially really negative, and got totally defensive about how he was young and wanted to do loads more with his life. I very nicely (I was desperate not to have a tantrum!) enquired exactly what he meant, and said I couldn't take vague answers, that if he wasn't ready yet, that was fine, but I needed definive reasons, so once we had done what he wanted to do, we could start trying. He wasn't really able to come up with anything, and we were both getting a bit frustrated.

After a while in which I thought the conversation was going to disintegrate into an argument, he started being a bit more sensible and asked about things like the maternity benefits in my job.

In the end, he still seemed a bit shell shocked, and I decided not to push him for any commitments just then, since the whole idea was completely new to him, whereas I've been mulling it over for months. We're going away this weekend, so if he doesn't bring it up this week, I'm going to talk to him about it again, and be firm that I want a definitive time frame etc.

The biggest worry is that he keeps saying he wants to be more secure financially, and that's such a non-quantifiable thing. Also, I feel we're really pretty secure, with a joint income of £60K and no major debts.

If anyone's got any advice on how to make him agree, feel free to bombard me!

You are deffo what i would call finacially secure - we tried for dd2 despite not owning our own home and being in about 15k's worth of debt! Then I started my own business and now we're in 21k of debt........amazingly though our children are still clothed and fed and have a roof over their heads and i tell myself the debts can be cleared when both children are at school and I can earn more money and by then my business will be more stable because i'll have worked hard to get a reputation etc.

Dp used to say when we have more money....when we are debt free.....but i'd already had dd1 when i was 17 (and had NO money and no security etc) and i didnt want my kids to grow up seperately, there is 6yrs between them and i think that is more than enough if we had waited until we could afford it dd1 would prob be old enough to have her own!

A Man saying that he wants to be financially secure is a classic. I mean that in a respectful way to men. The whole having a child thing is quite scarey. He will be out of control. And lots of men worry about 'providing'.
But you will manage. People always do. Sit down, do some maths and present him with the way that you will manage - if we ......
I will cut back on, I will work extra / part time .... i.e this will affect him less than he thinks.
Men like it, when it is presented in black and white.
Hope that helps.

I don't think getting definite reasons for him not wanting a baby will help you. It will never a good time to have kids, if he is not ready to have kids IYKWIM. He can come up with decent reasons for putting off - wanting to travel, career progression, financial security, too young -which are all good reasons, but it still boil down to the same point. That he is not ready to accomodate a child in his life.

Setting timetables doesn't always work either - I have been TTC for 11 months. DH made us wait to try for a baby until I qualified for full maternity rights, but we neededn't have bothered as nothing has happened

I'd really stress that you have to listen to your DP and get all his reasons/worries out on the table first, ask questions and don't comment until you've heard everything. remember this news is all new to him. I'm a firm believer in sitting in the other persons shoes and thinking through their worries and logic. How would you have felt if he said "Let's have a baby" when you were at a vital point in your career, which you admit is important to you? You'd probably have been as shocked, realised that your life would be turned upside down etc.

I'm not trying to be negative - believe me, I know what it feels like to have the urge to TTC and it's powerful - but

posted too early

meant to say but it will take him a while to get used to the idea. But I bet he will. You don't say how old he is.

I agree with Griffin. You are young, right ?
Imagine if he had said this to you. He needs a bit of time to absorb. This is a major life-changing thing, here.

yes gryffin so very right, there is never a "right" time to have kids, there are always other things you could be doing that frankly are not as knackering or as tying in the the long term.. perhaps just encourage your DH to think about the things he would like to do - seriously if he has always wanted to spend 6 months travelling or something it might be worth doing that kind of thing first (we went travelling for a year - on a v limited budget - before TTC as i knew i would always be wishing i had done that otherwise!). But you are more than financially secure - think of the thousands of families that survive quite well on less than half that (my little family included!).. children need love and commitment from their parents, not loads of "stuff" etc.
In the end though, you will both only know the amazing feeling of "this is really worth it" when you actually have your LO in your arms.. when i was pg i kept thinking "is this what we really want??" but now i cannot imagine life without our ds - he has made us so happy.

God, if it came down to money ...... and if any of us had any sense .... we'd never do it at all !!!!!
There is never a good time. What you will find, is that when it comes down to it, money is never the real issue.

Thanks for for the advice Gryffin et al. He's mid-twenties, same as me, but has done a lot (got his degree, lived abroad etc) in his time.

I think I want to know if there's something he definitely wants to do - e.g. visit the Taj Mahal - or if it's just general anxiety at the prospect of our life changing so much and not having the possibility of going off and doing zany things. I think I'm prepared to put it on the back burner for a short time, but my mother's side has a history of poor fertility, and I don't want to delay for a few years and then find it takes another 3 years to conceive.

The thing I'm also worrying about is that he might react (when we talk again) in the way he did initially when i brought it up, which was just saying 'I'm not ready just yet' and when I pressed for a reason he couldn't give one. I made it clear that I need better reasons than that, but if he says it again, it's a very hard thing to counter, as there's not a lot to work with! He is generally an extremely lovely and thoughtful man, and I think he realised that wasn't a helpful response, so hopefully I won't have that problem.

Argh, now I have to wait for another 4 days before bringing it up again! It is so difficult not to put on pressure and I am determined not to hassle him before the weekend, at least.

If only there was a snooze button on the biological clock...

Well my story isnt great - or maybe it is as we did get there in the end!

I started asking when dd1 was 3 after counselling and my bursting into tears everytime i saw a pg lady...(you see i was desperate!) eventually we agreed a ttc date and to not talk about it until then, i worked out what days i would ovulate and as it got closer to the time i found if we tried on the date we agreed we would miss the opportunity for that month by 3 days....i was gutted but he wouldnt budge (i was annoyed but didnt want him to go back to not trying at all) so i kept quiet and we tried as agreed - 2 weeks later i was pregnant!

I have to say I'm not hugely surprised by his reaction. This ws obviously out of the blue for him and you caught him off guard. Maybe when he has had time to process the information he will be less dramatic. I found this with my DH - you have to ease them into the situation gently, and definitely present it to them that you will be able to cope.
Good luck and hope he comes around to your way of thinking soon

Ps. If you find that snooze button could you tell me where it is??!

Just thought I'd give you an update on things!

Sooo... we went on holiday, and I was planning on bringing the baby thing up again at an opportune moment (when dp was looking particularly lovingly at me), but before I had a chance, he started chatting about it on our first night away.

After a few sensible questions about our income if I was on maternity leave and things like that, he just turned round and said "well, shall we do it then?" Apparently he'd been thinking (in a much more vague way) the same thing as me, but didn't think I'd feel the time was right, so was completely shocked when I brought it up the first time.

I am completely in shock and over the moon and overwhelmed! AF is due tomorrow, so timing pretty perfect in terms of working things out too.

Thanks for all the advice, it obviously did the trick! Going to go find myself a place on one of the ttc threads now I suppose....

Wow! What a result, Hopefully - you must be very happy indeed. Good luck with ttc x

You better pop to Holland & Barrett and get the folic acid then!

Good luck and have a fab time ttc