I am being unreasonable... But can't help it

[Baggingarea]

Have been trying since Jan and nothing working. It seems like since we started so many people close to me have got pregnant.

I can't help but feeling devastated every time I hear another person is preg or if they tell me a milestone. I never let the friends / family members know I'm feeling that say and outwardly act really happy for them.

But inside I'm jealous, angry at them and just despairing. A few people have said some quite insensitive things to me about fertility which has exasperated my feelings.

The thing is I know logically this makes zero sense. I've only been trying 6 months which is the average amount of time it takes to conceive. I know it's not like there's only so many babies to go round.

I just need a hand hold I guess and to know if anyone else is going through this. I just can't be around pregnant friends at the moment.

Hi @Baggingarea 😊

Please know that you are 100% not alone in how you feel. I am in the same boat as you, and it really hurts when you get the news that your friends have managed to get pregnant and you're still trying. The jealousy is something I never expected to feel!

We've been trying since Feb, and have had nothing.. not even a flicker of potential pregnancy. I've been tempted to write a very similar post last week because 4 close friends are due this month and next, as well as my SIL so I'm going to be surrounded with babies and reminders that we've been unsuccessful so far.

I know exactly how you feel and it's overwhelming, all we can do is to try and stay positive and be happy for them, because it is amazing news! I'm also trying to tell myself that 6 months is still not a long time compared to some who have been trying for years. Have you considered confiding in a friend? I did and it made me feel lots better.

It's frustrating and heart wrenching but stay strong love and know you're not alone 💐

@Baggingarea I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this OP ❤️ It baffles me that in this day and age that people are not more sensitive around the topic of pregnancy and fertility.
I’m very thankful and know how lucky I am to have conceived our first very quickly and had a mainly straight forward pregnancy and delivery. I’m very well aware of the fact that this may not be the case if we try for a 2nd and it is certainly not the case for everyone and it baffles me that other people don’t have the same thought process!

I would never dream of social media posts etc and I only spoke about my pregnancy to people that asked me about it 🤷🏻‍♀️ As your post has highlighted, not everyone finds it easy to hear!!

I really hope you get that positive result soon ❤️ You too @Frandler ❤️

@Frandler sorry to hear you are going through the same thing - it sucks doesn't it?

And then there's those feeling of guilt for having jealous thoughts which just makes you feel worse.

I have tried confiding in a friend and it did help. It's hard not to feel lonely about it. I'm sure you feel the same

Some of my friends who are pregnant have had real issues trying and it's a miracle they conceived. But somehow I still feel jealous when relatively my plight is nowhere near there's. That said, the ones who conceived straight away are the ones who are insensitive.

It's difficult because I'm a very logical person (usually) but these feelings are so utterly illogical!

@KM38 thank you - it's horrible because I just don't want people to feel like I'm not happy for them - but deep down I'm not. I'd hate to project those jealous feelings onto someone (like you) who is sympathetic. Just hearing you conceived straight away did kind of make me twitch - which is not fair at all considering how sensitive to my feelings you are being! It kind of makes me think I'm a monster! Wishing you genuine luck for the second.

Thanks for the kindness @KM38 😊

@Baggingarea oh yes.. I forget to mention about the guilt of feeling jealous! Haha. It's such an odd mix of emotions and like you, I'm very logical so this is new territory for me! I mean, I even got a bit upset when Stacey Solomon announced her pregnancy. How mad is that?!

I found talking to my friend helped, but I chose wisely. She's much older and has children who are in their 20s so maybe i felt a bit more heard than if I spoke to someone my age. Maybe if you have a good relationship with your mum or female relation that could be a good place to vent? Those insensitive friends will never understand the effects of their words 🤦🏻‍♀️

For now, my main coping method is:

listening to friends experiences during and after pregnancy and prepare for my time (and yours.. because we WILL get there 😉)

Putting myself first and being kind to myself. Also, if I want to buy a new dress.. I'll do it. I'm going to be the bestest friend to myself for now haha!

And finally, although it sucks to not be pregnant, I'm taking little pleasures like I can eat Camembert, have a drink and not worry about it (obviously everything in moderation.)

Try and be kind to yourself in small ways love 😊 hope you start to feel a bit better. I already do knowing that there's someone out there whose feeling the same as I do.

[quote Baggingarea]**@KM38* thank you - it's horrible because I just don't want people to feel like I'm not happy for them - but deep down I'm not. I'd hate to project those jealous feelings onto someone (like you) who is sympathetic. Just hearing you conceived straight away did kind of make me twitch - which is not fair at all* considering how sensitive to my feelings you are being! It kind of makes me think I'm a monster! Wishing you genuine luck for the second.[/quote]
@Baggingarea You are most certainly NOT a monster. I have close friends who have struggled TTC and I’ve seen what it can do to people.
Thank you for speaking out on it though...obviously people are going to be excited about pregnancies and milestones but I do feel that people need to be more aware of others situation and the really complex feelings that go with that.
As @Frandler has said - you WILL get there ❤️

@Frandler I cried when I heard about Little mix

Wrote a longer message and bloody lost it but you and @KM38 have really made me feel heard. Thank you

Sorry you’re feeling like this, just want to let you know you’re not alone 💕 we’ve been trying since December and just having no luck, to make it worse my best friend started trying a few months back and is pregnant already. It’s just crap hearing about it and people make it sound like it’s so easy! Just got to put on a brave face and remember that some day soon that will be us that are pregnant too 🥰

I hadn’t told anyone we were trying to start with but I did speak to another friend recently, found it good to let it all out and have someone to talk to x

@Bellesjp god it just feels so unfair doesn't it? But yes that is an extremely good mindset. This thread has caused a dramatic change in how I'm feeling so please let me know if you have success and equally if you need a handhold if you have to wait a bit longer.

I have been quite open about it all (with people I'm close to) and one friend suggested I don't. I felt that was a little unfair considering I listen to all her mummy problems!

I think the thing is that you don’t always know what journey someone has been on before getting pregnant. Obviously if they tell you they got pregnant quickly then that’s that but for others you may think it was ‘easy’ for them but it might have been anything but. I conceived my first child by accident but for the 2 years before that I’d had lots of gynae problems (very painful) and been told I was almost certainly have trouble conceiving, so to others my pregnancy probably looked easy but they didn’t know what I’d been through for the 2 years before. A lot of pain and tears. I conceived number 2 fairly easily too but since then I’ve miscarried twice which was very upsetting and now I’m 6 months into ttc again and nothing so far.

So what I’m saying is that everyone has their own journey and other people don’t always know the ins and outs of that journey, even if they think they do. Yes some people are luckier than others for sure, but they may have heartache down the line that you don’t have. We don’t know where life will take us. I hope it happens for you soon

@Baggingarea I literally could have written your post. I'm on month 7 & really struggling.... friends and family around me all seem to have fallen really quickly and its everywhere in the media at the moment!!

I know that 7 months isn't long BUT I hoped that it would have happened by now.. it hasn't and I'm struggling..

@Hadenough21 it's strange because one friend had really struggled. Yet I still felt sad when I heard her news. I know it's completely ridiculous to feel envy of her because she deserves her happiness 100% after a really hard time. But as I've said elsewhere in the thread this is a completely illogical feeling that's taken me by surprise and something I feel quite a lot of guilt for. I'm not negating others' struggles and by no means am I not being outwardly unhappy for them.

I'm sorry to hear about your struggles and hope you get some happy news soon.

@CLP86 sorry to hear that but hope you can take solace in that you're not alone here.

@Baggingarea Thank you. I hope you find the same x

@Baggingarea I don’t think you’re alone in your feelings at all. In fact I’ve remembered that back when I’d just been told I would struggle to conceive (and may not be able to at all) I felt intense jealousy towards a family member who was pregnant - but she had suffered 2 miscarriages before this pregnancy so it’s not like she hadn’t had her own pain to deal with! Like you say it’s not logical. I think all you can do is keep reminding yourself that your journey is your own and not to compare. Try to be happy for others and stay positive. In the long game of life we all have our bad times and good times. Stay off social media if that’s fuelling this feeling for you and put your energies into positive steps for your own life, don’t worry about what anyone else is doing. Good luck!

@Baggingarea I know exactly how you feel! I’ve been trying for over 2 years and feel completely alone. And I get what you mean in terms of feeling guilty and jealous all at the same time!

With regards to what a previous poster has said about finding someone maybe a bit older to confide in, I think that’s a good idea. I normally just tell my mum all about it because I feel that she will understand and I won’t feel like such a failure about it all, if that makes sense?

I spoke to my SIL about it initially because we have always been close but she got pregnant very quickly and then ignored me throughout her whole pregnancy. She would only ever message me to ask pregnancy related questions and then when her baby was born, she ignored my messages of congratulations and only spoke to me a few days later because the baby had an eye infection and she wanted me to recommend a good paediatrician ( I work in healthcare). When I asked her some follow up questions about the baby and it’s health, she ignored me again. I felt like an absolute worthless failure 😞 Oops, I’ve just realised I’ve gone on a tangent! What I’m trying to say is that TTC can be a very difficult journey and having to interact with those who seem to be having an easier time of it can feel very demotivating and a very personal slight. It’s absolutely ok to take a step back and look after yourself for a while!

6 months can seem like a lifetime I know, but most couples take a year to conceive so please please please don’t beat yourself up! Keep positive, keep smiling and keep being as kind and patient with yourself as you can be and I just know that your little bundle of joy is just around the corner!

Lots of love 💗 xxx

It's horrible isn't it? We're coming up to three years and there is such a feeling that it's really unfair. It's illogical but when friends who have a six month old announce they're pregnant it feels like they've stolen something. So so illogical.

Also a lot of people are so insensitive about it.

@Hadenough21 thanks for your words of wisdom. It's true there are always highs and lows and there are lots of things I need to remind myself to be grateful for - including this thread!

@WicketBasket that sounds really tough. It's hard when people get a bit wrapped up in themselves and forget to look out for others. I've experienced this a bit. Thank you and although I know it it's good to be reminded that this is not unusual.

@theotherfossilsister I'm sorry to hear you've been going through that and hope my post doesn't come across and me overreacting. Yes people can say the rudest things - which is normally a sign they had it easy!

Ladies, I can't tell you the difference this thread has made to my MH. It's so nice to not feel alone (although wish none of us were feeling this way). If you have any good news or need a handhold / sympathetic ear do come back to this thread.

I felt like this, I knew I was unreasonable and remember being so angry (?!) When someone I follow on instagram announced their pregnancy.. I didnt know the girl or what she went through and I just was furious as it felt so easy for someone else! Sending you hugs and baby dust

Thanks @Amijustagrump - it's so hard isn't it? All reasonable thinking goes out the window!! Hopefully this will help us be more patient mothers when our times come!

It's horrible. I'm really trying hard not to let the difficult feelings in, but I am back and forth to a very ugly dark place.

I lost my ds2 at 21+4 in November, then had a chemical pregnancy at 5 weeks in January, and I'm currently having what appears to be a MMC. I should be 8+3 but am measuring at 5/6 weeks with no heartbeat. So no progression, but my body hadn't rejected it yet. Been trying since December 2019.

@SemiFeralDalek I'm so sorry to hear you're having such a terrible time of it . I hope you have a good support network around you to deal with all this.