TTC after stillbirth/loss

[CharWils]

Hi all,

I couldn't find a thread so have started my own.

My son Jack was stillborn on the 3rd April this year at 28+3. I found out his heart had stopped (on my own due to covid) at 28 exactly.

I am now on my 2nd cycle I believe (2 periods since the postnatal bleed) and his due date was next Wednesday so I feel ready to start trying again so that I don't know I'm pregnant when his due date comes round, although now I wish I was!

I am 34 and fell pregnant with Jack after 2 periods since coming off contraception (pill and implant) that stopped me having a proper period since I was 18 so think I was very lucky!

I am petrified of being pregnant again and even if I can fall pregnant again!

Hoping this can be somewhere we can discuss our babies and talk TTC after loss.

Look forward to hearing from you xx

I'm so so sorry for your loss @CharWils. That sounds extraordinarily difficult. There is a long-running and very supporting thread on MN called something like TTC after loss - please come along and post, you'd be so welcome. Getting pregnant / the experience of pregnancy after loss is a whole other ballgame so good to have the support around you. Take care x

Hi @CharWils so sorry to hear that you lost your son Jack.

I actually found your post as I was looking for another forum for women TTC after loss; I've been in one for a while and it was really lovely hearing lots of positive stories about members conceiving again - but has become largely that recently and has been a bit difficult to read. Especially as someone just found out they are having twins. I'm so excited for her as it's so special, but I lost twins at 12w in Feb and there are so many conflicting emotions. So glad to have positive stories and lovely women getting BFPs again, but also very triggering.

I'm really scared to get pregnant again too as I'm sure it's going to be a very anxious time! Even though i know it's not logical, I can't stop worrying that there is something 'wrong.'

I hope you are looking after yourself? Hoping that you have a short wait until another positive for you.

L

Thanks both for replying!

@EssentialHummus have you got a link or the full name? I'm not very good at using Mumsnet yet but sounds like a group I would like to be part of! What is your story?

@LaurenNH which group are you in? Completely get that about people being pregnant etc... Its amazing for them but I'm finding people falling pregnant extremely triggering right now also. I follow a really good insta acc called unexpected family outing. She talks a lot about the use of the word 'and' so rather than feeling like you are an awful person for having those 'ugly feelings' like I do! She talks about holding both emotions together... so I am exceptionally happy for them AND I'm jealous it's not me etc. I really find that quite useful to hold onto. My best friend is imminently finding out her results from IVF and I will be absolutely elated for her but am fully expecting some ugly feelings too!
So sorry for the loss of your twins. Are you actively TTC now or just seeing what happens?

Xx

Here you are char - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/4085222-penguin-huddle-thread-36-ttc-after-pregnancy-loss

I had a loss (much earlier than yours) last year, just as covid was kicking off here. It absolutely destroyed me, sent my marriage into a tailspin, all sorts... I think just the unexpectedness of it really (I already had my DD and just naively assumed things would be fine). And then finding out / trying to get scans etc during covid/the early lockdown was near impossible. I am well now, but it really took the term of the pregnancy to get there. I really feel for you, it's the most difficult thing.

@LaurenNH just posted and can already see what you mean with a quick scroll down about other pregnancies!

A loss is still a loss in my eyes, your loss is no less than mine just because you were earlier on xx

Completely feel you with the whole covid thing... my biggest regret is that I have no pics of me enjoying my bump as we were in lockdown, just a few naked selfies! I have no photos of me and my husband with my bump for example. Finding out on my own and then having to tell my husband on the phone was still heartbreaking xx

@EssentialHummus I just replied to the wrong person!

Sorry... see above! Xx

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm in the same situation as our LO was born sleeping in April and her due date is this month.
I had a very normal pregnancy so it was completely out of the blue.

I'm not sure if my cycle is back... I had my Covid jab a few weeks ago and it seems that it's confused my body a bit. We really want to try again, but I don't want another baby to have the same birth month as our LO. There are so many things to navigate!

I'm really sorry for your loss, Jack is a lovely name x

@CharWils @EssentialHummus oh brilliant, that's actually a different group to the one I was in so I might try it too, thank you!

I am actively TTC, it's quite a rollercoaster and I've also had a chemical pregnancy in the time since. A lot of my friends have just had babies and weirdly I have no issue being around the babies - it's the pregnancy I seem to struggle with. I have my first session with a Petals bereavement counsellor tomorrow, really don't know what to expect.

Sorry for your loss everyone, @BerryCrumble I hadn't even thought about the due date!

L

Hi @BerryCrumble,

Thankyou - it was the only name we agreed on through whole pregnancy so it felt right. What is your little ones name? Happy to hear your story if you want to share?

I agree about the navigating things. I initially wanted to be pregnant straight away by Jacks due date and then I wanted to wait till after because I think the guilt would be uncontrollable personally if should still be expecting him. Now I love the idea of a potential sibling being conceived so they are born on Jacks 'Birthday' but also feel a lot of guilt around that... so many things to think about.

How are you doing? Xx

Good luck with petals session @LaurenNH

I have had 3 sessions now with a dedicated place here called firgrove centre and although very early on (even they seem surprised) it seems to be helping. I have heard good things about petals.

Completely agree with the pregnancy part more, although newborns for me are also massively triggering right now.

It just blows my mind how much loss there is with pregnancy and I was SO naive to it. Xx

@LaurenNH I hope your sessions with Petals go well! I hope I'll be able to do something similar soon.

I'm finding pregnant women triggering too but also actively avoiding newborns as well. I have friends who have just had or will be having babies soon and I'm so happy for them but just need to protect myself. x

@CharWils I also went to the hospital on my own, due to reduced movements. They tried to find our little girls heartbeat with the monitor and Doppler and couldn't find anything. Seeing our daughter on screen, but not moving was the worst thing and an image I won't be able to forget. She was born 2 days later and was absolutely beautiful, so small and so perfect.

We've decided to see what happens with conceiving again. We were lucky with our daughter and conceived quickly and we are so keen for our family to grow but I think if we don't actively try then it might help me feel less guilty? At the same time I think having another baby might help us heal. It's a minefield having to navigate the emotions!

How are you finding things? Are you able to talk about Jack a lot?
I hate that I was pregnant over lockdown because we weren't able to do much and don't have many memories to look back on, but at the same time I'm so grateful I don't have to explain to people that I bump into. x

Thanks ladies.

Oh that's the worst memory I think @BerryCrumble, I also went to EPU on my own as I work in a hospital, and the second my babies were on screen I knew it was over. It's horrible, but also really nice to talk to people that understand. I'm so sorry for your experience.

I was really showing by 3 months so everyone at work knew, but I'm kind of glad about that for some reason. I always feel the need to tell people it happened... I think maybe I feel like i need people to know that they existed if that makes sense? I also bought some jewellery to represent them which means a lot to me.

@CharWils Jack is such a lovely name, I agree it's a bit overwhelming isn't it - and I know now that I will never enjoy a pregnancy like I did first time around - so naive!

Thank you for sharing, strong Mamas.