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Conception

When's the best time to get pregnant? Use our interactive ovulation calculator to work out when you're most fertile and most likely to conceive.

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Original poster

TTC for third baby but big age gap and feeling old and anxious!

17 replies

Windinwillow · 08/06/2021 09:26

Hi all,

I am already very lucky have 2 children aged 8 and 6. We have been TTC for a number of years for number 3.

I still feel emotionally and physically that I would love another child but am now getting worried about how big the age gap would be between the first 2 and a new baby....in addition I am approaching 40.

Does anyone have an experience (either as a parent or a sibling) and what is your view?

Can it work? Will the first 2 feel left out or like they are being replaced? Should I just stick with 2?? Finding it hard to picture my DD being 20 and the next one only just setting off for secondary school (and we would be 60+)

Is it ridiculous to have such a big gap?? I know lots of people are having babies at 40+ but i read such mixed things and just don't know what to do for the best!

Any thoughts welcome.... thanks!

OP posts:

Bundaberg84 · 08/06/2021 09:55

My brothers are 7 and 10 years older than me. It's true that we weren't that close as children compared to children with a smaller age gap, as we simply didn't have the same interests growing up. But we still did a lot together. But we're really close now. After I turned 16 or 18 maybe, we had a lot more in common and the age gap doesn't feel big anymore. I think I had a bit of the best of both worlds; I had two siblings but at the same time I was a bit of a spoiled only child :)

Original poster

Windinwillow · 08/06/2021 11:58

Thanks @Bundaberg84 - so nice to hear you had a positive experience! Really lovely to hear you are close to your siblings now too.

OP posts:

Bundaberg84 · 08/06/2021 13:05

I'm actually closer to one of my brothers than the two brothers are to each other.
Another example, my DH has a brother who is 1,5 years older than him, but they aren't really close. He has a half sister that is 13 years younger than him and he only knows since maybe 15 years, and they are extremely close.
Yes, they won't probably be playing with each other all the time growing up. But it's not the childhood alone that counts.

Aprilwasverywet · 08/06/2021 13:17

My youngest 3 were 9, 8 and nearly 6 when ds arrived. They were totally smitten. Still are and ds is nearly 7!!
Older 2 proudly learned to make cuppas so they could help me when I was stuck sitting bf for ages!!

Original poster

Windinwillow · 08/06/2021 16:51

That is really nice @Aprilwasverywet and similar age gap to what mine would be.

I worry they wouldn't all want to spend time together doing the same things but then i just think they would bond in a different way. Tbh at the minute i have a boy and a girl and although close they have very different interests and so are often off doing their own thing anyway!

Thank you!

OP posts:

MaMelon · 08/06/2021 17:05

We have a 10 and 8 year age gap between our eldest 2 and our third surprise, and I was 5 days off 38 when I had our youngest (DH was 44). I absolutely loved it . I had time to really enjoy his babyhood and childhood as there was only 21 months between DC1&2 and it was Armageddon at times because DC1 was quite a challenge (for challenge read total nightmare).

DC3 is now 14, he’s as easy going as anything (to the point of being horizontal at times), and absolutely loves spending time with his older siblings - they both have cars, jobs and DC1 had his own flat, so he gets completely spoiled by them and gets taken out on day trips and to the shops. He’s very close to them and confides in them (they duly report back to me!) - it’s really sweet.

There are times when I feel a bit old at 52 and DH at 58, but we now have willing babysitters which means we get plenty of time to enjoy being a couple when we want.

Go for it - honestly, it’s fab

MaMelon · 08/06/2021 17:06

Oh, and I have a boy/girl/boy.

Juneisjoyful · 08/06/2021 17:14

(April nc) I had 2 older dd's and a ds then a ds... Youngest is very special to them-they always have time for him and make sure he is included. . And us obviously!! I was 43.2 when he arrived!! Personally known as my Bonus Baby!!

Original poster

Windinwillow · 08/06/2021 17:16

Thanks @mamelon - that does sound fab!

I would be 40 for DC3 now which is older than i wanted to be but after 3 years of infertility that really hasn't been my choice!

Somehow if i had gotten pregnant at 37 / 38 i would have felt ok but 39 / 40 feels like a jump..... i think its all psychological around the big 40! If i haven't conceived by 40 though i think i would draw a line as it has already consumed much of the last few years for us :(

Thank you so much for your comment - really appreciate it!

OP posts:

MaMelon · 08/06/2021 17:25

Ach, you’re young yet! My friend was 42 going on 43 when her surprise appeared (after IVF to have her first followed by 10 years of nothing), so you have a few years on her 😊. My other friend was almost 40 - her second marriage with a 13 and 11 year age gap.

I really hope it works out for you - fingers crossed 🤞

Alwayswithalacrity · 08/06/2021 17:30

My 3rd arrived when her siblings were 18 and 21 and just before our 26th wedding anniversary…

BirdyBee · 08/06/2021 17:38

My eldest is 21 and my youngest is 1 with a 16 year old and 2 year old in between them, all really love the baby and at 39 am actually finding it easier than when I was younger!

Gemandi2 · 09/06/2021 16:52

Yes I'm just 41 and have a 20 & 5 year old and am ttc our 3rd. I think as we get older we overthink everything - are we told old, what will the other kids say, will we be able to do it again etc but when my 5 year old came along everything soon fell into place and if I'm lucky enough to have a 3rd I'm certain they will too. I'd have preferred to be younger than I am now but for various reasons that wasn't feasible so now I have to try and hope and just see age as a number

toadstool32 · 09/06/2021 17:04

Gosh this is me. My two are 11 and 7 and we're going to ttc no 3. I'm 33, dh is 40. I'm terrified of the age gap but we don't feel "done".

Windinwillow · 12/06/2021 06:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

butterflysparkle · 04/10/2021 13:18

what did you decide @toadstool32?

I am nearly 40 and utterly terrified of the age gap, being older and having an 'only child situation' (I am one and hated it) but feel super sad to have no more children. My DCs are 6 and 9

I got pregnant earlier this year but it didn't work out - i felt very mixed about it at the time, but now a few months on I am back to wishing for another one. In addition i have fertility issues.... so the decision really is only the first stage of this problem..... but i cant even decide on that.

it is a very head vs heart situation and both of them hurt :(

FlyOnTheWall89 · 04/10/2021 13:30

@Windinwillow

I was 13 when my littlest sister arrived. My other siblings were 11 and 10. It was so fun. I think every dynamic is different but we loved it.

I am now 32 and my littlest sister has just begun university whilst I am here TTC baby number 1. We are very close. She is very cool and very much a different generation but we are all one unit despite the age gap. We do sibs holidays each year etc.

Only thing I would say is she has very much grown up basically as an only child and I think that is a very different experience for my parents. They had 3 under 3.5 then basically an only one.

Hope you got your BFP. I feel you should defo keep going :-). xx

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