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Original poster

Alcohol, drugs and accountability

8 replies

SBeeches · 03/06/2021 18:04

First of all I want to say I'm incredibly moved reading all your experiences, in spite all the trauma and lows so many of you have experienced you kept going, superwomen!

I never thought I'd be posting this, but here I am trying to hold myself accountable and reach out for some support that will be so gratefully received. I'm sorry about the essay.

I'm 33 this month. My husband and I started trying last year in Jan, got pregnant straight away. I didn't expect it to happen so quickly so was out the two days before I tested positive drinking far too much with close friends I hadn't seen for a long time. Miscarried at 7 weeks. Blamed myself.

We decided to take a 6 month break and went a bit wild during those months with covid lockdown, took cocaine many weekends, thought we'd go out with a bang before we got healthy again. I feel quite embarrassed saying this, and it's no excuse, but I live in London with many friends that recreationally use cocaine or cannabis here and there. I never thought that I or any of them had a dependency or problem. I still don't think it's the case, just bad habit ways of supposedly having fun.

Anyway, July 2020 - we begin trying again. Nothing happens. We are saints for 3 months, we don't even touch a drop of booze yet nothing happens. I then go the other way and start drinking and occasionally take coke some weekends to I suppose make me feel less sad and self sabotage, then go back to being a booze free Saint. Nothing happens. I blame myself.

We have completely cut out coke from our lives now, it scared me when I begin realising I was using it and booze to fill sadness. My husband is Irish so has a very relaxed attitude to booze but I've made a decision to give it up completely until we get pregnant now, he has agreed to only drink on special occasions and avoid ovulation time. I'm exercising, eating healthy, yet each month it doesn't happen I blame myself for all the damage I may have caused before. Waiting for a hycosy test now and I guess we'll see.

Just wondering whether anyone else has experiences of guilt, shame and blame whilst TTC?

OP posts:
ScabbyHorse · 03/06/2021 20:13

I think you are making a mistake in assuming you miscarried because you'd been drinking. I think the guilt you are feeling is misplaced grief at the miscarriage. Please stop blaming yourself! So many people do the same thing and are just lucky.

Original poster
SBeeches · 03/06/2021 20:21

@ScabbyHorse

I think you are making a mistake in assuming you miscarried because you'd been drinking. I think the guilt you are feeling is misplaced grief at the miscarriage. Please stop blaming yourself! So many people do the same thing and are just lucky.
Thank you ScabbyHorse, it means a lot to hear that. Maybe it is misplaced grief..
OP posts:
Bundaberg84 · 03/06/2021 20:29

@SBeeches what @ScabbyHorse said. Don't blame yourself. TTC is a difficult journey. Many, many women suffer miscarriages and almost none could have been prevented. Just think of all the women that didn't know they were pregnant until they're 5 months or so.
I obviously don't know you, but maybe you needed that time to 'live life to the fullest' for a bit? And maybe now you're really ready for rhis journey to continue.

Original poster
SBeeches · 03/06/2021 21:00

[quote Bundaberg84]**@SBeeches* what @ScabbyHorse* said. Don't blame yourself. TTC is a difficult journey. Many, many women suffer miscarriages and almost none could have been prevented. Just think of all the women that didn't know they were pregnant until they're 5 months or so.
I obviously don't know you, but maybe you needed that time to 'live life to the fullest' for a bit? And maybe now you're really ready for rhis journey to continue.[/quote]
Thank you Bundaberg84 I really appreciate your advice, it sounds like I shouldn't be so harsh on myself. It's quite a scare reading NHS and other health sites though. It's also quite sad how I blame myself yet my husband is able to accept it and focus on the now and future, sounds like he took a page out of your book.

OP posts:
Bundaberg84 · 03/06/2021 21:20

@SBeeches it's much more difficult for us because it's our body and of course we feel responsible for what's happening. I find it to be very hard to not be in control of what's going on inside me. I had a chemical in February and even though I know it's not my fault, it kinda leaves a bitter aftertaste.

Original poster
SBeeches · 03/06/2021 21:30

[quote Bundaberg84]@SBeeches it's much more difficult for us because it's our body and of course we feel responsible for what's happening. I find it to be very hard to not be in control of what's going on inside me. I had a chemical in February and even though I know it's not my fault, it kinda leaves a bitter aftertaste.[/quote]
I'm so sorry to hear that Bundaberg84, I can relate to you when you describe it as a bitter aftertaste. Especially when the whole world seems to be falling pregnant and giving birth, I'm so glad I've discovered this site as it really normalises and validates our experiences.

OP posts:
Bundaberg84 · 03/06/2021 21:36

@SBeeches I know right? I'm also very glad for this forum. I can only assume how lonely this whole journey must have been before the internet age.

ScabbyHorse · 03/06/2021 22:14

@SBeeches you're welcome. Also meant to say you've not even been ttc again for a whole year... things have been so crazy... it may take a bit longer Thanks

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